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Republican Presidential Hopefuls to Meet in Steel Cage Death Match

SOUTH CAROLINA – (satireworld.com) This week, CNN is hosting a unique event in the world of politics. Because of the vitriol displayed between the Republican candidates in the last GOP debate, the network is hosting a two-night, steel cage death match to whittle down the current field of six presidential hopefuls.

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Cam Newton Blames Super Bowl Loss on ‘The Man’

SANTA CLARA, CA – (satireworld.com) Before walking out on his post-game press conference following his team’s loss to Denver in Super Bowl 50, Carolina quarterback Cam Newton blamed his play on ‘The Man’ keeping him down.

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New Hampshire Governor Declares State of Emergency

CONCORD, NH – (satireworld.com) Maggie Hassan, governor of New Hampshire, has issued a state of emergency for the entire state of New Hampshire. The governor said the state has become saturated with political ads, with reports of some needing to be rescued from said ads. 9-1-1 operators say calls are coming in from people screaming […]

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Megyn Kelly Won’t Confirm if She and Michael Moore Are Dating

NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com) Sparks flew last night between Fox News’s anchorbabe, and Donald Trump Kryptonite, Megyn Kelly, and smooth talking, liberal lady’s man Michael Moore. The four hundred-plus pound Moore has a long history of sweeping famous women off their feet, from Nancy Pelosi to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

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Feeling Guilty, Academy Adds Several Late Entries to Oscar Noms

HOLLYWOOD – (satireworld.com) All the controversy surrounding the lack of diversity in the Oscar acting nominations for the second year in a row has caused voters in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to make a couple of last minute changes.

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Winter Storm Jonas: God’s Wrath For All-White Oscar Nominations

NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com) According to Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, the giant snowstorm named Jonas that is pounding the East Coast this weekend is God’s punishment for the snub of black artists for this years Oscars by the voters from what he called the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Racists.

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‘El Chapo’ Using Affluenza Excuse to Fight Extradition to US

MEXICO – (satireworld.com) Mexican authorities are dealing with an outbreak of affluenza in their country. Recently, American Ethan Couch, who used an affluenza defense to get off easy after killing four people while driving drunk, was discovered hiding here. Now, the world’s biggest drug cartel leader, widely known as “El Chapo” Guzman, is attempting to […]

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Obama Pulls Muscles, Tears Tendon in Gun Move

WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com) White House doctors have confirmed that President Obama strained several muscles in his arms today, and even tore a tendon in his shoulder area, while overreaching in putting together his newest gun control executive orders. The president has been ordered to rest his skinny arms and reduce the movement of his […]

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Scientists Discover Probable Cause of North Korea Bomb Blast

NORTH KOREA – (satireworld.com) The world reacted with shock today as North Korea announced that it had successfully tested a hydrogen bomb. The thought of such a weapon in the hands of the country’s maniacal dictator, best known for his kick ass haircuts, worried leaders worldwide, though the White House doubts the claims.

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Meat Lovers Join Hunt For Man Who Wasted Bacon on Mosque Door

LAS VEGAS – (satireworld.com) Last week, a person placed slices of bacon on the door handles of the front and back doors to a mosque in Sin City. Bacon and pork products are considered unclean in Islamic tradition, and Muslims are forbidden from eating or touching it. Initially, members of the mosque and the Islamic […]

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ISIS Militants Watch the Head Drop on New Year’s Eve

MOSUL – (satireworld.com) Members of the terror group ISIS spent New Year’s Eve celebrating the beginning of a new year of terror attacks and killing by watching the annual head drop in Mosul. The tradition is in its third year and the event is circulated by cellphones and ISIS-controlled TV stations in the region.

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Republican Presidential Field in Disarray After Graham, Pataki Exit

NEW YORK – (satireworld.com) The Republican presidential field is scrambling this week to find a way forward after the shocking, recent departures of John McCain’s BFF, Lindsey Graham, and former New York governor George Pataki. The announcements also crushed the dreams of millions who were hoping to see the first male president named Lindsey.

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Peyton Manning Tests Positive For Papa John’s Pizza Sauce

DENVER – (satireworld.com) Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is fuming this week amid rumors he used human growth hormone (HGH) to recover from surgery several years ago. Al Jazeera, the source of record for football in the United States, claims in a report that Manning was supplied steroids from a clinic in Indianapolis in 2011.

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Steve Harvey Apologizes: “Mitt Romney Was the Winner in 2012”

LOS ANGELES – (satireworld.com) Embarrassed Family Feud and Miss Universe pageant host, Steve Harvey, is continuing to cleanse his conscience following his recent gaffe in announcing the wrong winner in the famous beauty contest. Harvey announced Ms. Colombia as the winner, when the real winner was Ms. Philippines, a mix-up that became a television nightmare.

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Trump Aims to Restructure Branches of Government

NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com) Speaking from his luxury Trump Tower office this week, Donald Trump promised supporters that, if elected, he would restructure the American government system to bring it more in line with what our Founding Fathers envisioned. Today’s government is nothing like the one that made America the strong nation it once […]

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Obama Clarifies ISIS Strategy, Most Serious Stance Yet

WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com) In a press conference today, President Obama laid out his latest vision for defeating terror in the Middle East and restoring a feeling of safety among Americans here at home. The president seemed more serious in his remarks today, and his rhetoric was the harshest he’s used on the subject to date.

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President Unveils Muslim Protection Program: ObamaCAIR

WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com) Following his “Please Pardon the Muslims” speech last week, in which Mr. Obama vowed not to change a thing in his imaginary war with ISIS, the president announced his latest, government-mandated program. In conjunction with the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Obama, using his favorite tools, his pen and his phone, has […]

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Obama Demands Ammunition Manufacturers Develop Slower Bullets

WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com) In his infinite wisdom and attempt to thwart mass shootings by Muslims so the American people don’t get upset with them, President Obama said today that he had come up with a workable solution to all the gun control hysteria that he himself has stirred up. He has demanded that gun manufacturers […]

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Obama: “Don’t Worry About Refugees, They Don’t Radicalize Once Here”

WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com) Trying to put American’s fears to rest about the possibility of bringing tens of thousands of Muslim refugees into the country from Syria, President Obama reassured the nation today that there wouldn’t be any problems with his plan because Muslims “just don’t radicalize once they get here.”

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Paris: Obama Warns World About Climate Change, Space Aliens, Republicans

PARIS – (satireworld.com) President Obama has concluded two days of making a fool of himself at the climate summit here. Warning the world of the dangers of magic warming gas in our atmosphere, the president painted an apocalyptic vision of the future if the world doesn’t start believing his climate hysteria. Immediately. There is not […]

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Papa John’s Benches Peyton Manning For J.J. Watts

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com) Due to mistakes in the restaurant lately, Papa John’s owner John Schnatter has decided to bench its starting NFL spokesman, Peyton Manning, for Houston Texans superstar, J.J. Watts. Manning recently became the pizza chain’s all-time leading spokesperson and is usually in command in all of his performances in Papa […]

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Have a Happy Liberal Thanksgiving

The Heartland… For most people, Thanksgiving is a day for family, giving thanks, food, and football. For some, it means early shopping after the big meal. But for liberals, Thanksgiving is a time to gather families together and then alienate each other. It’s a sacred holiday because of the indoctrination and propaganda opportunities it affords […]

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Hillary, Obama Say Just Ignore ISIS and They’ll Go Away

IOWA – (satireworld.com) Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have this whole terrorism thing figured out. So today, Mrs. Clinton echoed the president’s sentiment in a speech, saying Muslims have nothing to do with terrorism whatsoever. She also told the crowd that life is so much more fun and carefree when you live in denial.

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Obama: “Chill, Refugee Vetting Database Run by Same Company That Did Obamacare Website”

WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com) President Obama, tired of hearing critics “pop off” about his plan to import tens of thousands of future Democratic voters from Syria, is trying to allay fears that the vetting process for incoming refugees is not adequate enough.  He said the process need not be made more complicated by Congress.

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Obama Mulls Putting ‘Republicans on the Ground’ in ISIS Fight

TURKEY – (satireworld.com) Sticking to his strategy of no “boots on the ground” in the fight against ISIS, President Obama now says he is examining what he called “an interesting option” that could potentially take the place of his current strategy, which is military paralysis. The president has been looking for years for a military […]

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Obama Plans All-Out Skirmishes With ISIS

WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com) Not since General Patton has America witnessed such a brilliant military strategist as Barack Obama. Since the dawn of man, civilizations have fought and defeated their enemies through sheer force by any means necessary. No matter how violent, how brutal, a war wasn’t over until one side was beaten into submission.

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World Record For Biggest Baby Now Held by Liberal College Students

MISSOURI – (satireworld.com) Guinness World Records states that the record for the world’s biggest baby was born in 1879 and weighed just under twenty-four pounds. That long-standing record fell this week when, in light of current nationwide protests, spurred on by the protests on the University of Missouri campus, Guinness certified America’s liberal college students, […]

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University of Missouri Changing Curriculum, Name of School

COLUMBIA, MO – (satireworld.com) With the firing of top administrators at the University of Missouri because of racial protests, the school is taking the opportunity to make some changes to help students feel more comfortable and safe. The first thing to change is the school’s name. The University of Missouri is now known as the […]

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Bush Opening Handyman Service With #JebCanFixIt

FLORIDA – (satireworld.com) With his campaign having as much traction as a three-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond, Jeb! Bush is seeing the writing on the wall and starting to plan for life after presidential politics. With his new slogan, #JebCanFixIt, the former Florida governor hoped to kick start his […]

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Democrats Accuse Trump of Reading Lines Off Cue Cards on SNL

NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com) Democratic National Committee chairbeast, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, accused Donald Trump of reading some of his lines off of cue cards during his hosting gig on Saturday Night Live last night. Schultz says she is appalled that Trump would stoop to such a stunt.

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