Woman With New ‘Boobs-2-Go From Walmart’ Accused Of Suffocating 89 Year Old Man

by on 25/06/13 at 2:21 pm

Smelts will be fondly remembered by his neighbors who say the 89 year old loved kittens and playing 'pull my finger' with all the kids in the neighborhood.

The late Hayward Smelt….Smelt will be fondly remembered by his neighbors who say the 89 year old loved kittens, an Irish whiskey while watching wrestling on TV, and playing ‘pull my finger’ with all the kids in the neighborhood.

Benton, Arkansas – (SatireWorld.com)

Beverly Boxtop, the world record holder for being the ‘Woman With The World’s Biggest Breasts,’ was arrested today for suspicion of manslaughter. She was connected to a recent accidental death which happened last week at a downtown Walmart Superstore.

A local resident, 89 year old Hayward Smelt, was rushed to St Andrews of the Valley hospital after suffering from symptoms of asphyxiation. He passed away on enroute to the hospital.

Smelt’s blue, lifeless body was found at the Benton Super WalMart with curious bruises on each cheek and badly bent nose. Authorities were immediately notified about the suspicious death by store security who found the body. The rapidly stiffening body was discovered during a two-for-one sale in the meat department.

According to eyewitnesses, Smelt, who was a small and frail person, and the robust and busty Boxtop, were mingled amongst 400 shoppers. All were patiently waiting for the Wal-Mart doors to open for the annual Big Meat Sale. Amid the mad opening rush into the store, Smelt’s face was forced into the cleavage of Boxtop’s ample 54EE busom by the pushing and shoving crowd. As the crowd moved into the store, Smelt was carried along, his face pushing deeper into Boxtop’s cleavage.

The official coroner’s report claims that within minutes, Smelt simply suffocated and died. His body was discovered by store floor cleaners amid a pile of hamburger wrappers.

Boxtop was recently in the news for another ‘breast mishap’ when her titanium reinforced brassiere suddenly burst while riding the Flying Gonads roller coaster at Six Flags due the the excessive G forces. Boxtop was injured, as well as, thirteen other riders who received shrapnel injuries and had to be hospitalized along with Boxtop. Sources say the heavy bandages on Boxtop’s breasts probably contributed to Smelt’s suffocation.

Boxtop recently had a breast enhancement procedure at the new Walmart Boobs-2-Go kiosk as part of their ‘Beautify America’ program which has introduced mass boob enhancement to thousands of middle-class patrons. A Walmart spokesperson declined to comment, but off the record stated, “that it wasn’t the firm’s liability as each new set of Walmart Boobs come with a warning label and easy-to-read instructions.”

Mr. Smelt, a longtime resident in Benton, and a WWII veteran, taught second grade in Andrew Johnson Grade School for 40 years before retiring. Residents remember the kindly old man as one who loved an Irish whiskey in the afternoon while reading his current issue of Playboy or watching TV. Smelt always talked to friends and strangers alike about his favorite subject….wrought iron.

A trial date for Boxtop has been set for early November. Mr. Smelt will not be attending.



One Response to “Woman With New ‘Boobs-2-Go From Walmart’ Accused Of Suffocating 89 Year Old Man”

  1. captain america

    Jun 26th, 2013

    …rumors of my demise are greatly exaggerated not to mention
    Pre mature just because I went “tits up” over a Wal-Martian!

    Heyward

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