Jerry’s Pawn Shop and Title Loans Owner Says U.S.A. Has Defaulted and He Will Seize Assets

by on 08/10/13 at 9:52 pm

Cash is best, that is if you can haul away $1.2 trillion dollars in a pick-up truck

Cash is best, that is if you can haul away $1.2 trillion dollars in a pick-up truck

Birmingham, Illinois – (

Jerry Plutarch, owner of “Jerry’s Pawn Shop and Title Loans” of Birmingham, Illinois, has said that the United States Treasury Department has defaulted on the payments of his loan to the United States Government. As such, Mr. Plutarch says that he will begin the process of seizing and selling off the assets used as collateral from this 2009 loan (part of the national debt).

A claim for this money was filed at the Social Security Office in Birmingham (the only Federal Government office in Birmingham, according to Mr. Plutarch and verified by a telephone book search) for the immediate payment of $1.2 trillion dollars.

Jerry said that “unless I get my money, I’m getting so I can’t give nobody any cash when they brink in and try to hock their wedding rings or their laptops. If I don’t see some payback from the Feds pretty soon, I may not be able to meet my payroll and my hired armbreakers might break my own arms!”

“I’ve given Washington plenty of time, but there’s only so far that I can stretch patriotism. Business is business!”

Plutarch said that “when Obama came into my shop and borrowed these funds, he used some things as collateral. I’ve come up with a plan on what I’m gonna do with this stuff to get some of my money back.”

His plans include the following:
1. The sale of the Ark of the Covenant to the State of Israel. “They told me that this was recovered by a Dr. Jones back in the 30’s and that they have had it stored in a warehouse. I figure the Jews will pay top dollar for one of their historic artifacts.”
2. Turning Cannon Air Force Base into a themed, flying amusement park. “I figure that everyone wants to wear a flight suit, put on aviator glasses, go Mach 2 in an F-22 while listening to Top Gun music, and use this as a way to pick up girls. I can pay the currently furloughed Air Force pilots to take people up. We’ll charge extra for barrel roles and mock dog fights. I’ll even put some targets out in the desert that they can shoot at for fun.”
3. Turning the White House into a bed and breakfast. “The Clintons gave me this idea when they were renting out the Lincoln bedroom back in the Billary Administration for campaign contributions. I’ll even try to hire some women to provide Lewinsky’s for the guests… for an extra charge, of course.”
4. Turning the United States Capital Building into a petting zoo. “Seems like Congress has been a zoo my entire life, so we might as well let it be one now. Well have to, of course, make sure that any paying Moslem visitors know that the sheep are there as part of a petting zoo, not a brothel.”
5. Making Government Motors turn out cars that work. “We’ve had the technology for years to make cars that are fuel efficient enough to get over 100 miles per gallon, but the oil companies have helped bury that. I’ll make sure that GM makes cars that are really fuel efficient and that don’t look stupid (seen the P.T. Cruiser?). We’ll also make ’em so you don’t have to have a college degree just to figure out how to run the air conditioner or scoot the seat back.”
6. Build a nuclear power plant at Guantanamo Bay. “I’m sure that all the Cubans would love us and drop communism if we provided them all cheap, efficient, and clean power and took all them Moslem terrorist prisoners off their island.”
7. Turn all Federally owned lands in California into hunting preserves. “I’d make me a lot of money in entrance fees from sportsmen and have the added benefit of pissing off a whole bunch of vegetarian cry baby liberals.”
8. Change the arm of the Statue of Liberty. “I don’t want her raising a torch for freedom any more. I want her flipping off the Middle East!”

Jerry also says that he has plans to turn the Federal Building next to a Philadelphia mosque into a hog processing plant, make NASA send men back to the moon and expand the space program, and to fund government research into why Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones doesn’t realize that Tony Romo is a choke artist.

3 Responses to “Jerry’s Pawn Shop and Title Loans Owner Says U.S.A. Has Defaulted and He Will Seize Assets”

  1. captain america

    Oct 9th, 2013

    Jman on a roll!

    …don’t want GM though…more defaults on their NINJA car loans, more defaults than on Chrysler, Ford and Toyota combined..the next
    debt the taxpayers will be forced to bail out…

    …as for the first family, I could see why you wanted to repossess all those ‘designer’ clothes…even a CaveWoman wouldn’t pay a nickel for ’em….

    BTW: too bad about Romo…probably better off taking his short pants style to the Premier League where they’ll all appreciate him
    ‘choking’ onnit eh?

  2. Philbert of Macadamia

    Oct 9th, 2013

    How about President Obama and the liberal Democratic Congressional big spenders having to take jobs in fast food restaurants, to pay back the $8 trillion of debt they ran up?

    At $5.00 a week each that should keep all of these politicians occupied for awhile!

  3. captain america

    Oct 9th, 2013

    ….the first day on the job, they’s organize a strike for a higher minimum wage plus healthcare inclusions for abortions, condoms, and
    mouth dams…then spit in your taco…

    …and then there’s the issue of vacation and ‘comp’ time plus sick days..
    and the owner would have to pay one of them to do his union job…

    our govt….you really can’t make it up…

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