The Dallas Cowboys: Preseason News and Notes

by on 18/08/14 at 6:11 pm

The Cowboys would screw this up too...

The Cowboys would screw this up too…

The latest news and information from the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!).

Head Coach Jason Garrett participated in an ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease) water bucket challenge this week and had a bucket of ice water dumped on his head to raise money for the organization. There is not truth to the rumor that he did this as the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) have not won a major game or a playoff game under his leadership and he has never received a Gatorade shower.

In an effort to improve the team’s record, owner Jerry Jones has petitioned the NFL to allow the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) to play all of their games against the opposing team’s cheerleaders. If this is not approved, Jerry is considering moving his team into the Lingerie League.

In a recent poll of NFL Hall of Fame voters, Jason Witten, the tight end of the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!), was voted as the player on the team most likely to make it to the HOF in Canton, Ohio. Tony Romo was also voted the “biggest choke artist in the league.”

General Manager and Team Owner Jerry Jones made the following statement concerning five year old pictures that surfaced of him last week (groping and in compromising positions with two young women): “The *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) and their fans should not be concerned with this at all. I remind you of the international crisis with ISIS and the situation with Ferguson, Missouri that should be the center of attention right now.”

For this season, the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) has announced the hiring of Assistant Coach for Scapegoating. He will receive blame every time that Tony Romo throws an interception, every time a Tony Romo interception is returned for a touchdown, and every time the defense fails to remember that their job is to tackle. This season’s Scapegoat Coach is Tom Diddle, formerly head coach at NMSU, UTEP, and several other perennial losing programs. The contract for this position is the general one season, before Coach Diddle will be replaced by next year’s Scapegoat.

Team Spokesman Rick Spinkles said that “we have better scheduled Dez Bryant’s dropped passes, leaving the field before the end of the game, sideline temper tantrums, family abuse, and criminal activity to be better in line with the needs of the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!). With this better portioning and constructive use of his time, we believe that he can be the elite receiver that we all know that he can be and that we want him to be and that he wants to be. (note: the previous sentence is what is known as Jerry Speak and makes no sense at all, but is a platitude used to make the owner happy.)

In a press conference, speaking about Tony Romo’s projected performance this upcoming season and his propensity for throwing fourth quarter interceptions, poor clock management, and blowing big games, Owner/General Manager Jerry Jones said: “”The *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) and their fans should not be concerned with this at all. I remind you of the international crisis with ISIS and the situation with Ferguson, Missouri that should be the center of attention right now.”

Head Coach Jason Garrett denied rumors that cameras were planted in the locker rooms of the Cheerleaders of the *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!). He said that it is not true that recorded footage of their game day preparation will be shown on the 120 foot big screen to fans at the game and in a special “pay cable exclusive.”

Johnny Manziel, former quarterback of Texas A&M who is now with the Cleveland Browns, officially trademarked the nickname “Johnny Football.” The *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) confirmed that there is no truth to the rumor that Tony Romo has officially trademarked the nickname “Tony Oh No!”

The *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) will be adding “Black” as an official team color to join silver, blue, and white. They will not, however, make any changes to their uniforms or logo. Now the “Silver and Blue” can officially be “Silver, Black, and Blue” after getting beaten up and bruised by their opponents.

When asked to compare different teams to products on the shelf, ESPN commentators likened the Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks to an Energizer Bunny because they “keep going, and going…” They also compared the Denver Broncos to a Timex Watch, because they “take a licking and keep on ticking.” The *Dallas Cowboys* (America’s Team!) was compared to a Playtex tampon as they “have only one sting, work with a lot of pussies, go into action clean and white, and come out bloody!”

4 Responses to “The Dallas Cowboys: Preseason News and Notes”

  1. Captain america

    Aug 18th, 2014

    The arena league is looking for a few more bad players since OchoCinco retired from beating his wife and was caught floggin

  2. Captain america

    Aug 19th, 2014

    ….surprised Jones missed the opportunity to draft
    “Johnny Football”…especially after his debut against the
    Redskins last night…would have been a match made in heaven!!

    Kid’s going to be a gigantic flame out and wind up in the gutter….he’s no Joe Namath!

  3. Jalapenoman

    Aug 19th, 2014

    Am I the only one that noticed the stats of the Browns third team quarterback last night? The top two were both less than 50% on their passing, while the third teamer was 8/9 and led them on what could have been a game winning drive (if the NFL hadn’t backed the extra points to the 15 yard line).

    Manziel is this year’s Ryan Leaf. He will sell lots of season tickets in Cleveland this year, but will be out of the NFL within three years.

  4. captain America

    Sep 2nd, 2014

    …butt now you have Sam I Am……

    Better than the gay Man-U!

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