by Bargis Tryhol on 10/11/16 at 5:49 am
San Francisco, CA – (SatireWorld.com)
The City by the Bay citizens and visitors seemed to be showing their election frustration as scores of potential suicidal bridge jumpers arrived at Golden Gate Park each looking for a place in a long line that lead up to the Golden Gate Bridge pedestrian walkway.
With over 1,700 suicides or ‘bridge jumpers’ the Golden Gate Bridge has been long known as a romantic spot to sent oneself off to the great unknown merely by placing both legs over the edge and stepping off into air. This year that number is expected to triple as distraught Hillary Clinton supporters attempt to end it all by attempting their version of celebrity sky walking.
Last year, over 45 people took the step, much to the chagrin of San Francisco leaders who have long asked for a safety net as a means of preventing suicides by distraught citizens and visitors and an attempt to clean-up the image of the city’s main attraction.
Recent election events prompted city officials to pass a resolution to spend $77 million dollars on a net system that will catch bridge jumpers as they fall. By a unanimous vote, the passage of the resolution will give city officials a better civic legacy than merely appropriating more money for body recovery services that fish a few victims from the sea after a few days. Most bodies are never found until months later.
Construction on the safety net system is scheduled to begin in the later part of 2017.
Today’s long line of speculative suicidal bridge jumpers are hoping to head off restrictions to what many feel is their valued right to be a bridge jumper and end their life by attempting to fly. By mid-day almost 300 first and last time bridge jumpers were in line with scores more coming every hour.
One potential jumper Mavis Kluet, age 22 from Pasadena said, “I mean really, I had to get in on this! I don’t want to be left out. I mean, there’s a long line and everything, it just has to be exciting!”
Kluet went into great detail how she missed a recent Rolling Stones concert because she waited too long to purchase tickets and wasn’t about to repeat her disappointment. She also mentioned how other potential jumpers feel about the proposed safety net installation and how it is just another instance of government control over individual freedoms.
Cars were parked in Golden Gate Park with signed bill of sales tucked under wipers with keys left in the ignition as fatalistic anti-Trump jumpers made their way through hastily built turnstiles that counted each and every person heading to the bridge abutment. An SFPD patrolman said the count was to help recovery services with an accurate tally when body recovery efforts swung into high gear the following morning.
According to officer Daniel Hayes, who openly showed his surprise over the amount of people showing up, “I’m amazed at how fast these people arrived, What’s even more amazing is the amount of first-time jumpers. We’ve even had some of our own how-to brochures printed up and I pass them out. Yeah, we have donuts and coffee over by next-of-kin registration.”
Several community service personnel passed their own hastily prepared instruction flyers in both English and Spanish showing how to safely slide over the protective railing and how to properly stand on the main support beam.
Both community service volunteers said they were proud to serve and were happy to say their instructions helped since no one reported any injuries.
Other concerned citizens volunteered at tented kiosks where attorneys gathered, offering free ‘Last Will & Testaments’ alongside a bevy of Notary Public’s who certified each document and offered small paper cups of California orange juice.
Luckily, sane San Franciscans were spared the loud fleshy slap of bodies hitting the water at 180 miles per hour every 30 seconds or so due to a wind blowing the sound out to sea.
Earlier today the San Francisco City Council rushed an emergency meeting through where they instituted a ‘Jumpers Fee’ or ‘Early Departure Tax’ on all who arrived at the bridge lines.
The $25.00 ‘special assessment fee’ will be used for re-painting the bridge and other viable city projects, says Russ Jenkins, Alderman from district 4, who said he was just visiting and wasn’t in line himself.
Nate Trulock, the city’s head EPA engineer, has requested that all jumpers remove their footwear and any belts as it causes sharks intestinal and digestive problems and is in violation of the city’s strict EPA standards. A dumpster will be provided and the footwear will be distributed to the homeless.