Archive for 'US News'

Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues”

Scotch Plains, NY – (satireworld.com) Kleenex, a division of Kimberly-Clark, has announced that they are releasing a new line of their popular facial tissues made specially for Democrats to use when crying over losing elections, seeing a robust economy, paying lower gas prices, and other events that may go against their programmed agenda.  Called “Pity […]

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Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF

Tooba, Iran – (satireworld.com) The Ayatollah Smella Buttholla, leading Moslem/Muslim cleric in the Middle East, is upset that the NCAA selected Notre Dame to be in the College Football Playoff instead of UCF (the University of Central Florida).  “I can understand undefeated Alabama and Clemson as they were so much better than every other team […]

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Former French President Sarkozy Once Took $50 Million From Muammer Gaddafi, Does a Possible Matching Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi?

Food for thought: (satireworld.com) During the 2011 French Presidential Campaign, former Libyan dictator Muammer Gaddafi donated sixty million euros to the reelection fund of sitting French president Nicolas Sarkozy.  Per Libyan officials in a French 2018 investigation, the money was given in exchange for “access and favors.”   Sauf-al-Islam Gaddafi said in an interview with Euronews […]

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Verifying the Gender of Santa Claus (20th Anniversary)

North Pole – (satireworld.com) In November of 1998, I received a very disturbing e-mail. It had been forwarded several times, so there was no way to point to the original author or origin. I would like to quote that e-mail in it’s entirety, and then add my own comments: He’s a She “I hate to […]

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Blotter: Police Make First Arrests of Christmas Holiday Season

The Police Department (Christmas Division) have made their first arrest of the 2018 holiday season.  For public record, the arrests are listed below:

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Barrio Santa Claus Considers Painting His Low Rider Something Other Than “Arrest Me Red”

El Paso, Texas – (satireworld.com) Barrio Santa Claus, who visits his paisanos and his hermanitos every year on Christmas Eve to deliver gifts, has announced plans to paint his low rider something than the traditional “arrest me red.  “La Migra always tries to arrest me when I cross the border because my ride just stands […]

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Democrats Organize Caravans of Inner City Asylum Seekers

Washington DC- (satireworld.com) Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) appears to have placed part of the blame for Democrat Andrew Gillum’s (Florida Governor’s election) loss and Democrat Stacey Abrams’ (Georgia Governor’s election) loss on the fact that neither state has ever elected an African-American governor. The Vermont Senator hastily backtracked his not well-thought-out statement soon after!

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Obama Enters the Mommy’s Basement Home Furniture Business

Washington DC – (satireworld.com) Republican President Donald Trump has improved the US economy and increased the number of jobs available to all US workers substantially, in the first two years of his presidency. Notably more Millennials and Gen-Xers are leaving Mommy’s Basement, as they now have jobs to pay for renting an apartment, a house […]

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Honduras Caravan Members Sue Trump Administration Because “We Weren’t Allowed to Participate in the Black Friday Sales”

Tijuana, Mexico – (satireworld.com) The Honduras Caravan members have sued the President and the Trump Administration because their being refused an illegal entry into the United States prevented them from being able to participate in the 2018 Black Friday sales.  They were also limited in buying at Small Business Saturday sales (though they could buy […]

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Mick Jagger Announces ‘All The Girls I’ve Slept With’ US Tour Dates

New York, NY – (satireworld.com) The Rolling Stones are bringing their ‘All The Girls Mick Slept With’ tour to U.S. stadiums in 2019. The 13-show tour will kick off April 20th at the Hard Rock Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida and wrap up June 21st at Soldier Field in Chicago.

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California Democrat Swalwell Says “We Need to Nuke 2nd Amendment Supporters so Central American Caravan Refugees Have Somewhere to Live”

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com) Member of the House of Representatives Eric Swalwell of California believes that “we need to nuke the 2nd Amendment supporters and gun rights advocates so that we can use their homes for the caravan of refugees coming up through Mexico.  If we wipe out these deplorables, we can use their empty […]

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DNC Chairman Sends a Generic Concession Speech Outline to Losing Democratic Candidates

Washington DC- (satireworld.com) The current Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairman Tom Perez has sent a generic concession speech outline to be used by all losing liberal Democratic candidates in the 2018 mid-term elections. This email formulates how a Democratic candidate can admit losing without really, ever conceding defeat!

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Global Warming Alert! Forest Fires and Cooling Vaginas Threaten Global Peace

Sacramento, CA – (SatireWorld.com) Esteemed scientist and 2008 Nobel Science Award recipient, Dr.Calvin Butterworth, issued a startling warning to people everywhere concerning disturbing events he has recorded over the past year…”Global warming and related events could threaten our species! Dr. Butterworth also raised the alarm that, in his words, “Women and their vaginas around the […]

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Al Gore Discovers a New Environmental Bogeyman

Washington DC- (satireworld.com) Former Vice President Al Gore (supposed inventor of the Internet), noted predictor of dire, non-occurring, environmental calamities since 2000 spoke before the International Brassiere Manufacturers Association (IBMA) convention. He cautioned that the effect of plastics and oil based synthetic fibers used in Bra manufacturing are affecting the oceans of the world.

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In Honor of Veteran’s Day… A Serious Note from SatireWorld

Please forward this today to everyone on your e-mail list in remembrance of all who have ever worn the uniform…and gave their yesterdays that we could have our tomorrows.  This is the 100th anniversary of the Armistice that ended World War 1.  Remember that “all gave some, but some gave all.”

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Neophyte Congresswoman-Elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Sends a Text Message

New York NY – (satireworld.com) Newly elected NYC Democratic-Socialist NITWIT Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has tried to send a Text Message to the new Democratic Speaker of the US House of Representatives, to be determined (TBD).

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Obvious Election Fraud Committed in New Mexico… by a County (a Satireworld Editorial)

What’s wrong with this picture? Yvette Harrell ran against Xochitl Torres Small for the congressional seat in Southern New Mexico. Party doesn’t matter right now because both are reprehensible (there wasn’t a lesser of two evils in this campaign). Harrell misdirected money (over half a million dollars) from the state to her business (while in […]

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Pelosi, Feinstein, and Waters Claim They Were Insulted at D.C. Restaurants Wednesday

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com) Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, and Maxine Waters claim that they were insulted at a local Washington D.C. restaurant went they went out to lunch on Wednesday (October 31st).  Said Pelosi, “we were on a break from out duties in the House and Senate and went together to get a bite to […]

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California Democrats Demand Migrant Caravan Be Allowed In By Tuesday In Order To Vote

San Diego, CA – (satireworld.com) California democrats have demanded that Donald Trump move the military and National Guard away from the borders and allow the invaders marching through Mexico to enter the country by Tuesday so that they can vote in the mid-term elections.  They have pinpointed the specific districts where they want the homeless […]

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Ayatollah Demands United States Celebrate and Honor Muslim Holiday

Tehran,Iran – The Ayatollah Smella Buttholla has demanded that the United States being celebrating a Moslem/Muslim holiday.  “You are supposed to recognize the separation of church and state, but you celebrate Christmas and Easter and note Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (which was made up by a bunch of racists twenty years ago).  Why shouldn’t your country […]

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NAACP v NAACP Case Reaches the US Supreme Court

Washington DC – (satireworld.com) The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) v the National Association of Advanced Computer Programmers (NAACP) has finally been placed on the US Supreme Court Docket. Oral arguments are to be heard during the CY 2018-2019 session on January 3, 2019.

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DNC Already Planning Spontaneous Riots, Looting, Violence, and Mob Action In Areas Where They Lose Mid-Term Elections

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com) Investigations have revealed that the Democratic Party has already been organizing and planning riots, looting, car burning, violence, mob action, protests, and crying in areas where the Republicans win races in the mid-term elections on Tuesday.  George Soros and Oprah Winfrey have each pledged millions in funding to pay for the […]

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National Park Service Confirms-‘Bears Absolutely Do It In The Woods’

Bend, Oregon – (satireworld.com) Does A Bear Poop In The Woods? The United States National Park Service officially clarified what was mostly snide jokes and hearsay remarks concerning the bathroom habits of North American bears. Today, Ranger Bud Ricks held a press conference at the Wilds Federal Reserve addressing the pressing issue of where a […]

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National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities

Palm Springs, CA- (satireworld.com) A conference in Palm Springs, California for Fraternity Presidents of all different Greek groups representing all NCAA Universities was held last week to “plan Spring Break.”  In addition to the obligatory toga parties, wet t-shirt contests, keggers, and other politically correct activities, the college and university students also voted on the […]

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Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid

Boston, MA – (satireworld.com) Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren of Massachusetts has refused to withdraw her candidacy for reelection for her Senate Seat after results of her DNA tests were released (and proved that she is between 1/64th and 1/1024th Native American).  The Senator, who has claimed that she was Native American and a “woman of color” […]

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Is Elizabeth Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian?

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com) The political world was further confused this week when Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) released the results of a controversial DNA test that was years in the making.

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Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games

Camel Toe Ridge, Arkansas – (satireworld.com) Camel Toe Ridge, Arkansas, the county seat of Snatch County, has submitted a bid to the International Olympic Committee to host the 2032 Summer Games.  The town joins other bids from cities like Sydney (Australia), Buenos Aires (Argentina), St. Petersburg (Russia), and Brussels, Belgium.

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Rosie O’Donnell Admits What She Did With Her Tuba “This One Time at Band Camp”

Fionna, NY – (satireworld.com) Former high school band member and tuba player Rosie O’Donnell admitted in casual conversation to others that she had a “sexual encounter” with her musical instrument while they were watching the 1999 teen comedy move “American Pie.”  In the movie, character Michelle says that “this one time, at band camp, I […]

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Donner Party Archaeological Study Finds Survivors Preferred White Meat

Peru, OR – (satireworld.com) An archaeological study of the remains of the Donner Party shows that the survivors who had to turn to cannibalism preferred white meat to dark meat.  The group, who was stranded in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California in the winter of 1846-47 appear to have eaten about 20% more breast […]

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Hawaiian Restaurant Offers Free Lay With Every Dessert

Boing, HI – (satireworld.com) A typo is causing major problems for a Honolulu restaurant.  Keola’s Roast Pig is having problems honoring their offer of “a free lay with every dessert” as it was supposed to “a free leia (or lei) with every dessert.”  Restaurant owner Keola Paccuci is blaming the error on spellcheck, which does […]

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