by Jalapenoman on 26/08/13 at 5:10 pmNew York, NY – (SatireWorld.com)
In the words of New York Jets’ coaches: “Mark Sanchez Sucks! Geno Smith sucks! The other rookies in camp suck!”
Frustrated by their inability to find a quarterback, the team announced this morning that they are signing former Super Bowl MVP QB Joe Willie Namath to a five year, $150 million dollar contract. The 70 year old is expected to use the skills that earned him two league MVP awards to revive the fortunes of a team that made the AFC championship game twice in the past few years, but never could get over the hump (and has been slumping due to poor quarterback play).
In addition to receiving $25 million dollars each season, the Jets have also put bonuses in place. Namath will receive unlimited amounts of Viagra, Depend undergarments, Geritol, and Grecian Formula. Additionally, he will get his food cut into small pieces at the training table and will not be expected to play or practice after dark.
Namath was inducted into the NFL’s Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985. HOF officials said that his bust will have to be removed from display as long as he is playing again.
During his career, often on bad Jets teams, Namath threw for more interceptions than touchdowns. Jets spokesman Able Dingleweed said “Yes, but he did throw for over 170 touchdowns. We don’t mind the occasional interception as long as we occasionally get to score.”
As an additional incentive for scoring, Namath will also receive the overnight services of a Jets cheerleader each time he leads the offense to a touchdown. “Why do you think we’re giving him the Viagra?” added Dingleweed.