by Jalapenoman on 22/07/14 at 8:07 pm
Off and on, for about six years, I wrote “snippets” for a different humor website. These were also easy one or two line jokes with a simple set up, followed by a punch line. Some people call these zingers or and others call them different names.
I have been gathering them together and trying to group them by subject. Here are the ones on multiple subjects (religion, business, science, sex, etc). Look for more my previously posted collections on entertainment, politics and sports.
If you enjoy these, fine. If you are insulted or offended by some of these, great! Remember that all humor doesn’t work for all people (and that some jokes never work at all).
I just don’t get it #1. What’s with this whole “Doctor’s Without Boarders” thing? I just don’t get it. Why aren’t they allowed to rent out their spare rooms?
I just don’t get it #2. I still don’t get it. What’s with this “lather rinse repeat” for directions for shampoo. What do I repeat, the lather or the rinse? And why does saying it out loud have anything to do with washing my hair?
I just don’t get it #3.I just don’t get it. My dog licks his butt. He licks his crotch. He eats “tootsie rolls” out of the cat’s litter box. The dog, however, refuses to eat broccoli. Does it really taste worse than shit?
I just don’t get it #4. I just don’t get it when it comes to food. If Mexican food is supposed to come from Mexico, and Japanese Food comes from Japan, and Italian Food comes from Italy…. Then does dog food come from dogs?
I just don’t get it, #5. I just don’t get it. If another name for a penis is a “one eyed trouser snake”…. Does that mean I need to get mine contact lenses, or was it just born blind?
Jimmy Cracked Corn…. and I still don’t care.
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. I’ll bet the dress wasn’t white!
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Was the baby her “something new?”
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. I hope she told the groom she was pregnant!
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Poor groom won’t get laid on his honeymoon.
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Did she throw the bouquet, or the afterbirth?
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Were the bridal shower and baby shower a combined affair?
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Just when the minister said “if anyone knows any reason why this couple should not be wed, let him speak now or ever hold his peace,” the baby made his appearance.
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Were there three figures on top of the cake at the reception?
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. I wonder how the bride would feel if, 15 years from now, her daughter wears her wedding gown?
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. If this were Arkansas, there would be a shotgun involved.
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Did the cake cutter do double duty with the cord?
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. I’ll bet she didn’t stay for the reception!
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. I guess it’s better that her water broke instead of the expensive punch bowl.
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Vows included “in sickness, in health, in childbirth…”
Bride Goes Into Labor At Own Wedding. Flower girl and ring boy have nightmares for two weeks, but now know “where babies come from!”
Texas passes constitutional amendment barring gay marriage. Governor declares state holiday to celebrate and announces party to beat up “homos” outside of “fag” bars.
Senator and Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Says that Paying Higher Taxes is Patriotic. “And I want to make the middle class the most patriotic people in this country!”
John Edward’s Wife Says Trust Is Biggest Hurdle in Relationship. Next biggest hurdles are to leap over are carseat, stroller, and piles of toys from his live child in living room.
Newspaper reveals ten richest men and women in Congress. Senator John Kerry, married to heir of Heinz fortune, says “I’m not first anymore, so I’d better try to ketchup.”
Study traces origin of A.I.D.S. virus to over 100 years ago. John McCain said that he is not responsible.
Corazon Aquino buried in the Philippines. The late Imelda Marcos represented at the funeral by 6000 pair of shoes.
Urologists discover ACORN workers have world’s smallest penises. We shouldn’t be surprised, as we all knew ACORNs were little nuts.
Obama Not Happy With 10% Jobless Rate. “I thought that I would have destroyed 20% of the companies in this country by now.”
American Soldier Arrested Crossing Mexican Border with 200 Pounds of Marijuana. Uses excuse “we were having a Vietnam Memorial.”
The New Testament teaches that when Jesus cast out a Legion of Demons, they entered into a group of pigs. Proving that a Jew was responsible for the creation of Deviled Ham.
Excavations reveal that Stonehenge was ancient place for healing and medicine. If you didn’t get better, the stone masons would knock a rock over on top of you.
Shark “virgin birth” confirmed by scientists. Independent research could not confirm that the shark pup walked across the Indian Ocean as the seawater suddenly changed to wine and the reporters were too drunk to work.
Mormons edge out Jehovah’s Witnesses in door knocking competition. Girl Scouts, Band Candy, Avon, and Fuller Brush round out the top six.
Catholic Church Announces Selling of Indulgences In Tough Economy. Persons wishing to have sex with young boys must first allow their priest to try them out to determine “value” of sin.
Pope Announces Restoration of Selling Indulgences. Sex with teenage girls will cost $100 dollars for each year under the age of 18.
Vatican Says Selling of Indulgences Will Help Financially Struggling Church. Obama Administration questions whether or not they can charge sales tax.
Selling of Indulgences Returns to the Catholic Church. IRS to determine whether or not purchases of indulgences will count as charitable contributions and become tax deductable.
Pope breaks silence about attack. “Why couldn’t that nutcase just throw a shoe at me?”
Catholic Schools To Make Children Wear See Through Clothing. Pedophile, homosexual priests want to make sure that the boys are wearing clean underwear.
Catholic Schools To Make Children Wear See Through Clothing. Nuns want to make sure that Catholic School Girls are not wearing any evil, Satanic thong underwear.
Catholic Schools To Make Children Wear See Through Clothing. Huge group of suspected sex offenders volunteer to become Priests in Boston.
Catholic Schools To Make Children Wear See Through Clothing. I guess this means that fewer kids will go “commando” to school.
Catholic Schools To Make Children Wear See Through Clothing. Larger numbers of teenage boys will now be turned on by Catholic School Girl Uniforms (and they won’t even be plaid).
Speedy Alka Seltzer caught sipping Pepto Bismol. He comes out of the closet and admits that “I like being in the pink.”
“Rent a Wife” says she’ll do housecleaning, sewing, and dishes, but no sex. Men wonder what makes that different than most marriages.
Dallas opens first Canadian Restaurant to go with other local ethnic based eateries. While the menu will pretty much be the same as in a normal American restaurant, the waitresses will all say “eehh” a lot and call each other hosers and the thermostat will be set to “damn it’s cold in here!”
Co-Founder of Ice Cream Parlor Chain Passes Away At Age 90. Surviving founders Mr. Baskin, Mr. Robbins, and Mr. Flavors all say that they will miss Mr. 31.
Subway Restaurant chain arrested for promotion of male prostitution. Police say offer of “$5.00 footlongs is just going too far.”
Cannon Corporation to make huge donation to assist in September’s National Hispanic Heritage Month. Company will donate a free towel to every wetback.
Paper company creates new three ply toilet tissue to replace current two ply. Spokesman says “We did it because some of our customers are just too stupid go get a piece 50% longer.”
Crude Oil prices drop more than 40% in last week to six month low. Oil companies respond by raising gas prices five cents per gallon.
Texas A&M releases plan to cut greenhouse gases at University. School solution will not let greenhouse employees to eat Taco Bell bean burritos during lunch hour.
Starbucks to close 300 locations. This will reduce the number of Starbucks in Seattle to only 812 and may mean that some intersections only have three.
New Jersey to outlaw Brazilian Bikini Wax services in state. Says Governor, “we like our women hairy. We’re also outlawing Epilady and Nair.”
Prostitution ring at inner city New York McDonald’s broken up. This gives new meaning to the term “eating a McMuffin.”
McDonalds To Create International McMenu. McHaggis is expected to only be popular in the British Isles
McDonalds To Create International McMenu. McCurry to be served in nations where they can’t put McBeef on Big Macs.
McDonalds To Create International McMenu. McPizza will not use thousand island dressing as its special sauce.
McDonalds To Create International McMenu. McSquid and McSushi expected to outsell Filet of Fish in Japanese locations
McDonalds To Create International McMenu. You’ve just bought McRocky Mountain Oysters. You want fries with that?
Candy and Brewing Companies Announce “The Chocolate and Beer Diet.” You may not losing any weight following the new plan, but you’re not going to care and it will taste better than that low fat crap!
Tupperware to begin manufacturing condoms. Remember to “burp” them to get all of the air out and lock the freshness in.
Wang Electronics Announces Plans To Move Manufacturing Plant to U.S.. Tallywacker, Alabama and Peter, South Carolina are considered early favorites.
Male prostitutes file for bankruptcy. They say Subway’s Five Dollar Footlongs promotion is killing their business.
Taco Bell Reveals Secrets Behind Their New “Drive Thru Diet.” “The secret is that Jared and Subway were killing us, so we had to make up some crap that says our food was good for you.”
Pizza delivery chain to offer improved sauce, improved crust, improved cheese, and improved toppings. What they don’t admit is that their product was crap for forty years.
Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalogue Ready For Publication. There’ not a lot of difference between the bikini bottoms and the bikini panties.
Truck Stop Owners Admit Restroom Condom Vending Machines Make Lots of Money. “I haven’t filled mine in three years, and no one ever complains that it’s empty.”
Toyota to Recall 300,000 Priuses. “We want to give the car a new name that doesn’t sound so gay, and that people can actually spell.”
Fan enjoyment of commercials prompts NFL to make change for next year. “Instead of a halftime concert, we’ll just show more Clydesdales and Dorito’s ads.”
Honda, Ford, GM, and Nissan Join Toyota In Recalls. Forget the cash, give me my clunker back!
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market. Cocoa Krispies boxes will include a free tube of acne cream as their next prize.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market. Special K cereal will be marketed as Special Kid, for the teens who ride the short bus.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market. Trix will become Twilights, because teen girls will buy anything with that name on it.
Toyota Receives $16.4 Billion Fine. CEO receives half that much just for keeping fine so small.
Texas recovers from Ike hitting Galveston. Tina Turner says “Now you know what I used to feel like when he beat me up!”
Jiminy Cricket Buried After Making Mistake As Pinocchio’s Conscience. When you are an insect wanting someone to hurry up, never say “step on it!”
Health and Science
Snow flurries reported in El Paso, Texas (known as the Sun City). Meteorologists report that “the proverbial cold day in Hell has arrived because Hell really has finally frozen over!”
The Earth will be destroyed at 8:00 p.m. this evening. Film at eleven
Second Space Shuttle readied in case rescue mission needed. What happens if something goes wrong with that one too?
Mars Lander finds evidence of water and snow on planet. The discovery was found behind a Starbucks and next door to an Indian owned motel and a convenience store near the canals.
Human embryo transplanted into dog’s womb born at Johns Hopkins. Bouncing baby boy is true son of a bitch.
No new swine flu deaths reported today… but 300,000 pigs still die in meat packing plants.
World Health Organization admits that swine flu really came from cats, not pigs. The women doctors said that we couldn’t call it “Cat Flu” because men might stop eating pussy.
Swaziland has world’s highest AIDS rate at 33%.of the population. The other two-thirds are just too ugly to get laid.
Woman implanted with wrong fertilized embryo gives birth. Asks hospital dietician “Am I supposed to feed this black baby chocolate milk?”
Geologists determine that Grand Canyon was not really dug when a Jew dropped a penny in a gopher hole. It was actually a dime.
More Children’ Jewelry Tainted with Cadmium Discovered. “Who sucks on their ankle bracelet?” asks Chinese manufacturing group.
Doctors Suggest American Medical Association Change Name of Women’s Practices. “What part of a woman is a Gyne? Why not just call us pussyologists?”
Typo sends new medical equipment to Senior Citizen’s Center. Bariatric surgery is now geriatric surgery!
Archaeologists answer musical question that is over 3000 years old. “We believe that it was Solomon that who wrote the book of love in Song of Solomon.”
Social scientists say that taking pictures of genitals with camera phones is latest craze. “It is the modern day equivalent of Xeroxing your butt.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. This means that, for the next seven days, there will be no Wind in the Willows.
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. Dry conditions will keep anyone from “Singin’ In The Rain.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. For the next 72 hours, “I’ve Got Sunshine, On a Cloudy Day.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. That blowing dust is now Gone With The Wind.
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. Groups of people meet friends and move under shelters to avoid storm as “Hail, Hail, the Gangs All Here.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. Depressed moods expected to start the new week as “Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. Moonshine makers fear that “the tropical depression this year, might be the answer to this hillbilly beer.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. People hoping for spring upset that, with the snow, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. Motorists and pedestrians advised to be careful, as they should expect a lot of “Dust in the wind.”
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather. Weathermen say to open your windows for a glorious Spring and “Let the Sunshine In.”
Spoof Writer Bureau Pens His 10,000th Snippet. I’ll bet this one slipped through so fast between the rest of his that you never notice.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #5). The squirrel’s wheel needed new bearings.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #4). Al Gore blames global warming.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #3). The cheese from Mark’s toasted sandwich that he left on the computer melted into his CPU and shorted things out.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #2). Those responsible have been sacked (except for the llamas). Have you seen the fjords?
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #1). The “editors that be” had to blow the dust from their mainframe TRS-80.
Illinois wife beaters organization merges with Chicago Gay/Lesbian Alliance. New group to be called the Fudge Smackers.
College Dean denies charges of assault and battery brought by co-ed. “Sure I hit her, but I used my fists and not an Energizer or Duracell.”
News from the National Wife Beaters Convention in Illinois. Brandy Alexander voted the favorite drink, while Mike Tyson elected to hall of fame.
Man from Western Chapter wins slap off at Wife Beaters Association Convention. He breaks record with 177 slaps in one minute.
Springfield man wins overall competition at Wife Beaters Association Convention. Says one judge, “this guy could really knock a girl’s socks off…and her wig…and her false eyelashes…”
Springfield Man enjoying most aspects of National Wife Beaters Association Convention. “My only gripe is that there are no small children for me to put my cigarettes out on. What happened to the hotels and convention centers providing human ashtrays?”
One Western Illinois man feels left our at National Wife Beaters Association Convention. “Hey, I beat up lots of girlfriends. That should count for something!”
Springfield Man wins costume contest for 70’s throwback leisure suit at Wife Beaters Association Convention. “I didn’t know there was a costume contest, ” says winner.
Illinois Non Profit Organization In Trouble For Strong Arm Tactics. Law officers say that campaign of “contribute or I bitch slap your wife and put a cigarette out on your kid” goes a little too far.
Illinois Man Wins National Wife Beaters Association Presidency By 1600 Votes. Nobody in the exit polls remembered voting for him or had even heard his name before.
Illinois Man Wins National Wife Beaters Association Presidency By 1600 Votes. Voting experts say that it was due to “shared ballots.”
Sex and Marriage
Revised Hitchhikers’s Guide Books Say 42 Isn’t The Answer. The new number is 69
Crazed Woman Sets Fire to Husband’s Penis and Testicles. She wanted him to be “a hunk of burning love.”
Rabbits to divorce due to loveless marriage. Female bunny says that he never cared about her and just wanted to “Thumper.”
Wee Willie goes insane, kills 26 at family reunion. In confession, he says that “I couldn’t take it anymore with everyone always talking about the size of my Winkie.”
World’s shortest man meets world’s tallest woman to promote new Guinness World Records Book. He said, “I walked between her legs several times for photos and publicity purposes, and because she wasn’t wearing any panties and I liked looking at her goodies.”
112 year old record holder says secret of long life is staying active. “I’ve been running from jealous husbands and boyfriends for years. Viagra has helped keep me going.”
Woman arrested for swimming naked at city pool. “The sign said no thong bikinis permitted, so I took mine off.”
Study shows men whose wives wear thongs have better dental hygiene. They don’t call them “butt floss” for nothing!
Bragging about snow fall levels on Eastern Seaboard confuses women. Usually, when a man says he’s got fifteen inches, he’s talking about something else.
Paper or plastic? Men prefer natural flesh or silicone implants instead.
Paper or Plastic? Doctors say that sheepskin and rubber are more effective.
Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me? Not some mouse, say most men. Give us a girl with nice hooters.
Midget learns his normal sized wife hasn’t bathed in a week because she’s been busy with affair. “I thought I smelled something fishy!”
After millions of Euros spent on excruciating and difficult study, Spanish Scientists discover that… the rain in Spain does not stay mainly in the plain.
Researchers study women who say “If I knew you were comin’, I’d have baked a cake.” Test results show that no dessert would have ever been prepared with fair warning and that the females would still have insisted on being taken out for dinner.
American third graders fail to pass standardized history test. Most identify Ralph Waldo Emerson not as a famous writer, but as a missing guy in a striped red and white shirt and beanie.
Investigators report that Cow jumped over the moon. Dish cannot be reached for comment as it ran away with a spoon.
London man demands people stop saying “Bob’s Your Uncle.” “Bob is my grandfather’s name and I’m getting tired of this.”
Timmy falls in well and drowns and Lassie doesn’t warn anyone. Dog says “you think I was going to save his sorry ass after he went and got me fixed?”
Fashion Police issue warnings to manufacturers. Even though old styles are returning, they refuse to allow leisure suits and wide ties.
Cheetah sues Tarzan for physical abuse. Jungle spokesman says “No one explained to him when he was growing up with the apes what they really meant by spanking the monkey.”
Underwear bomber finally admits to his brand of choice. He prefers Fruit of the Boom.
Girl Arrested For Doodling In Class. Police say she should have been “diddleing” her teachers like the other students to avoid trouble.
Hey Diddle Diddle. Scientists say that cats can’t play the fiddle.
Killer Whale Kills Trainer At Sea World. That’ll teach ’em to be stingy with the fish Shamu snacks!
Wife admits “My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean.” If her “bonnie” is a politician, he probably lies regardless of where he is in the world.
“My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean, My Bonnie Lies Over The Sea,….” Sounds to me like Bonnie needs to learn how to tell the truth.
Miners freed after two months. One upset because “we were getting pudding tomorrow.”