by Bargis Tryhol on 04/10/14 at 10:14 am
New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
In her just-released 15 page memoir, 27 year-old “HBO Girls” star Lena Dunham claims that as a 19 year-old Oberlin College student in Ohio, she was raped by a college Republican with a mustache and packing a great deal of USDA inspected ‘man-meat’.
In the first chapter that addresses the encounter, Dunham describes the “ill-fated evening of lovemaking” as weird, sticky, and stinky. The most sensational moment to Dunham comes from the fact that “Barry the Republican” wasn’t wearing a condom over his humongous ten-inch schnozol. “I looked and there was no union label!”
Yet, in the very next chapter, Dunham backtracks with the claim, saying she’s an “unreliable narrator” (liar?) and accuses “Barry” of plain old rape:
“In another essay in this book I describe a sexual encounter with a mustachioed campus Republican as the upsetting but educational choice of a girl who was new to sex when, in fact, it didn’t feel like a choice at all.” (huh?)
Other female students said that finding a mustachioed Republican with a good sized crankshaft at Oberlin College was a feat and normally they’d have to pay alot of money for a good one to be bussed in from Florida State.
At the time, Dunham does admit she was kinda drunk, high on Xanax, smoked some pot, dropped a tab of LSD, and snorted 4 or 5 lines of good cocaine, and therefore was in no condition to give her consent. Dunham admits being clueless and said she had no idea she had been raped until she described the encounter to her roommate Edna Furtz who laughingly said she was probably just having another ‘Duh’ moment and tipped her off that having a huge penis jammed inside was probably a pretty good indication that she was being laid.
Dunham, though perturbed at being tricked by a man, continued on with the narration:
“Barry the Republican’ leads innocent me to the parking lot,” she writes. “I tell him be nice to look away as I’m going to expose Mister Kitty and it ain’t pretty. So anyway, I pull down my tights to pee on the asphalt, and all of a sudden he jams his entire fist inside me, like he’s trying to use me as a hand puppet or something! Gawd! I’m not sure whether I can’t stop it…or I don’t want to, or if it reminded me of creepy Uncle Fred and his dark basement during that Thanksgiving get-a-way to Chicago back in 2000.”
According to Dunham, who’s now a bit confused, the two of them go back to her apartment, and Dunham (in an attempt to convince herself that she’d given consent) puts on her black rubber laytex maid’s outfit and talks dirty to Barry as he ‘forces himself’ on her.
The following day, when Dunham tells her roommate, Edna, about the encounter, Edna is horrified by her candid admission and tells Dunham, “Owwwww! You were raped by some Republican. It has all the tell-tale markings of a Republicanized sexual perversion conspiracy. Plainly you can see, I mean…Your permanently curled-up toes…Vampire marks on your neck…A smiling Sarah Palin face hastily tattoed on your left arm. These are all marks of the Devil!”
“I burst out laughing,” Dunham writes of her initial reaction, but then she looked down realizing the ‘Republican with the huge schnozel’ never did bother to remove her rubber laytex outfit when he forced himself inside causing her 10 toes to be in a now constant curled position.
Says Dunham, “I knew then that being a liberal Democrat was the only way to go. Hoping someday I’ll meet a simple man named ‘Dave’ who’ll have the talent to straighten out my toes and to use me in a more liberal manner.”
I want to set the record straight…I have never visited Oberlain College, nor dated anyone who wore a black rubber costume, except that nice nurse at the VA hospital back in 1969. Any connection inferred by Captain America is coincidental and not be believed.