by E. Williams on 12/10/14 at 5:55 am
HOLLYWOOD – (satireworld.com)
The stars were out and in fine fashion for the lifestyles of the rich and famous fundraiser held at Gwyneth Paltrow’s humble abode last night. The takeaway from the festivities is an interesting mix of the silly, the absurd, the creepy, and the immature.
Gwyneth got the awkwardness started by greeting President Obama by saying, “You are so handsome. I can’t even speak properly around you.” The President nodded but later told an aide he had no idea what she said to him since she wasn’t speaking properly. She was just mumbling most of the time. Mr. Obama assumed she was in character for her next role – playing Wendy Davis in the upcoming biopic on the Texas governor wannabe, tentatively titled Abortion Barbie: The Bloody Years.
Later, Michelle spotted Gwynie passing notes to aides to give to the President. Michelle then started confiding to her close friends and her husband that if Paltrow made just one more move on the President, she was going to “take that skinny, white bitch outside and use her long blonde hair to tie the starlet to a tree for the rest of the night.”
Shortly after the threat was made, ‘The Hollywood Toothpick’, as friends refer to the nearly anorexic star behind her back, approached the President and asked him if he would like to join her for a game of ‘spin the bottle.’ Michelle exploded by yelling, “Where are we, in high school?!”
Michelle then grabbed a cheeseburger and rushed GP, shoving the burger in Paltrow’s mouth and sending both ladies flying through some open french doors and onto the lawn outside. As the crowd rushed outside to see the fight, Michelle chastised the actress for not eating enough and reminding her she was not a high school student and didn’t have to restrict herself to carrots, tofu and dirt like public schoolchildren do.
It didn’t take long for Mrs. Obama, who some say could play linebacker for many pro teams, to subdue the actress and make her agree to behave herself for the rest of the night. Paltrow was obviously embarrassed by the incident but said, “At least this wasn’t as embarrassing as Shallow Hal or Country Strong…..or most any other movie I’ve made since the year 2000.”