Entire Satireworld Staff Hunting for Alleged Sniper

by on 21/10/14 at 4:45 pm

This publication will spare no expense to get to the bottoms of this story

This publication will spare no expense to get to the bottoms of this story

Orlando, FL – (satireworld.com)

Recently, a story was posted on Satireworld with instructions to attempt to find a sniper.  This reporter took it upon himself to do just that.  Another staff writer, Philbert of Macademia, volunteered his help and assistance in locating the shooter.

Satireworld Editor Bargis Tryhol quickly saw the time and diligence that J-Man and Philbert were putting into this investigation and recognized that this should become an entire team effort.  He quickly dispatched his whole writing staff to a local beach to search for the the mysterious sniper.

This investigation has learned that:

  • There isn’t enough Viagra, Cialis, or other erectile dysfunction drugs in local pharmacies to take care of the old men on the Satireworld Staff in their investigation.
  • Jalapenoman quickly begin investigating the third suspect from the left.  After first patting her down for concealed weapons, he determined that a body cavity search was necessary.  After two days, he announced that “we could probably rule out this girl as a shooter… but she is a screamer.”  The two were last seen booking a flight to Las Vegas and scheduling the services of a local wedding chapel/
  • Philbert of Macadamia, who started on the right side of the line-up, was forced to quit when the batteries of his pacemaker were outpaced by the beats of his heart.  His first suspect, a blond in a purple bikini, has changed that for a naughty nurses outfit and is giving him “round the clock” care.
  • Bargis Tryhol attempted to help by bringing his “specialized equipment” to the investigation.  Local police, however, said that it was possibly a “weapon of mass destruction” and had the potential to contaminate the entire crime scene.  Bargis has been forced to oversee the investigation from his hotel room with a pair of binoculars… and a box of kleenex and bottle of vaseline.
  • Walter Bucket, who said that he regularly likes to put out ten to fifteen pieces in a day, is frustrated as the other investigative journalists are limiting him to only one suspect.
  • Two different suspects said that they found Buckwheatsbutt and his zeal “a little hard to swallow.”
  • Captain America felt that this was a secret ploy by the Democrats and brought along his copy of the Constitution to try to trip up the suspect that he was assigned.  Being blond, she could not read the document and Captain America was forced to “make her choke on a few hard facts.”
  • E. Williams claimed to have “The Right Stuff” to get to the bottom of this investigation.  His right stuff turned out to be a camcorder, a double dildo, and a bottle of massage oil.  His methods might be working as screams have been coming from the interrogation room for three hours.
  • Optic Nerve is looking into the problem.
  • None of the suspects would allow themselves to be interviewed by Annoying Rash until he could prove that his shots were up to date and that he was STD free.
  • Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, the oldest staff writer for this publication, had his false teeth fall into the beach when he first saw the girls.  He then vowed to do his investigating the old fashioned way and “get up into their business.”
  • Abel Rodriguez has decided to take a different approach in the investigation and “look at it from the back way.”  He is going to reverse engineer the process and come at it from behind!
  • Mark Lowton and Harold Worth claim that the sniper is actually a man laying in the sand on the lower right corner of the mysterious photo, though no one else is able to see this aberration.  After claiming to have solved the mystery, they were off to a gay bar for a bottle of Stella before playing rump ranger and hide the sausage in their shared hotel room (the Honeymoon Suite).

As of right now, it has not been determined how long this investigation is going to last.

4 Responses to “Entire Satireworld Staff Hunting for Alleged Sniper”

  1. Captain america

    Oct 21st, 2014

    ….SW has the best ‘private dicks’ since
    Dick Tracy, Mickey Spillane and Morse!

  2. E. Williams

    Oct 21st, 2014

    I’ve learned all my interrogation techniques from ATF Agent Fleming in Beavis and Butthead Do America – “Full cavity searches all around! Go hard and go deep.”

  3. Jalapenoman

    Oct 21st, 2014

    Of course… if any interrogation sequence lasts more than four hours, we should see a doctor!

  4. Philbert of Macadamia

    Oct 21st, 2014

    Viva JM and the naughty nurse, as laughter restarted my pacemaker!

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