Planning Christmas Dinner…..

by on 23/12/14 at 7:16 am

Idea# 1... Dress up as Santa Claus and meet new friends

Do It Idea# 1…
Dress up as Santa Claus and meet new friends

Las Cruces, NM – (

Every year, millions of Americans go “over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house” for Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner. Many, however, must stay home and cook the dinner themselves for the first time. This may be because finances do not permit them to travel, gas prices and airline costs are prohibitive, illness in the family, or they may just wish to establish their own holiday traditions. It could also just be “their turn” to host a rotating family meal.

It is now to late to help with Thanksgiving Dinner (unless you are the kind that always sends out “Happy Belated Birthday” cards). It is not, however, too soon to begin preparing for Christmas Dinner!

With these thoughts in mind, the writers and editors of SatireWorld offer these ideas, both do’s and don’ts, to assist you in preparing your Big Holiday Dinner (and please note the word Holiday… because at SatireWorld, we are not politically correct and don’t call it a Winter Celebration):

1. Do your grocery shopping early. If you go to Safeway on Christmas Eve expecting to find a turkey, you’ll probably end up cooking a rump roast.
2. Thaw that turkey. They are frozen. They weigh over twenty pounds. They take a day and a half to thaw at room temperature or three days in the refrigerator (best way). Thawing turkeys in the bathtub, the dishwasher, the microwave, the oven, and in the furnace closet are all good ways to give your family food poisoning. This also makes you the butt of a lot of jokes until someone screws up next year.
3. Take off the plastic wrap from the outside. It just doesn’t taste very good. Even if it is an expensive Butterball or Honeysuckle White, keeping the wrap on is not the same as the designer label on your jeans.
4. Remove the giblets, the neck, and that little bag full of turkey guts from the inside before baking. No one wants “turkey surprise.”
5. Remove the metal piece that holds the legs together before you put the bird in the microwave to thaw on Christmas morning (because you forgot to follow instruction number 2).
6. Make more than one kind of pie. Some of us hate mince meat. Some don’t care for pumpkin. Some expect apple. Have a variety to please everyone and expect them to want to take the extra home. This way, you can also sneak the leftover turkey, your neighbor’s cranberry relish, Aunt Edna’s brick hard rolls, and anything else you have too much of into their bags so you don’t have to overstuff your refrigerator.
7. Have at least one television on the football games (preferably one in each room). If you are hosting the holiday, you are also expected to have a color television (32 inches or larger) and provide the beer, sodas, chips, and pretzels before the big meal.
8. Do serve plenty of mashed potatoes. This way, people can hide their overcooked turkey or beets underneath something and sneak it to the trash can.
9. Throw away that little temperature sensor that tells you that the turkey is done as soon as it comes out of the oven. Otherwise, the kids will pretend it is a hypodermic needle and start poking each other with it and giving each other shots (and you know that someone is gonna get poked too hard and start crying and that kid’s parents will be the ones that get most ticked off).
10. Plan on more people than you intended because someone is going to haul along some in-law or girlfriend or fiance that wasn’t on the original list (and it is very awkward to say that you haven’t got enough turkey or beets or sweet potatoes to go around).

1. Don’t cook the giblets (a.k.a. the bird guts) and chop them up and add them to the gravy. Feed them to the dog because only he really finds them edible. Of course, expect him to get a really wicked case of the farts afterwards because giblets smell just as bad coming out as they taste going in!
2. Don’t serve peas with the meal. Seven out of eight SatireWorld staffers interviewed hate them and all of us have seen the kids flick them at each other at the children’s table.
3. Don’t serve fruitcake. Ever. At all. Even at Christmas. It sucks and we hate it. Instead, save your fruitcakes and use them as bricks to prop up the bed frame when one of the legs breaks (because you put on too much weight eating over the holidays).
4. Don’t serve the meal unless it is halftime, between games, or after the second football game. That’s just stupid.
5. Don’t set the men where they cannot see the television set (pre-game, post-game, and half time shows are still important and must be watched… and all wardrobe malfunctions tend to happen at halftime).
6. Don’t expect any of your eaters to follow your diet. Regardless of what Jenny Craig says, there is no such thing as low fat, low cal, or sugar free on a holiday.
7. Don’t put your good china on the kid’s table. If you chose to break rule number 4 on the don’t list, don’t give china to the men or teenage boys either.
8. Don’t make everyone go around the table and list something they’re happy for or their favorite Christmas gift. After men have been waiting all day to eat because the wife wouldn’t cook lunch and insisted they have a light breakfast, men don’t care about being thankful for anything but a full plate and a good view of the cheerleaders at half time. Also, Aunt Edna always gets offended because no one ever likes her ugly sweater gifts the best.
9. Don’t make everyone put on the new clothes that they got for Christmas to wear in front of their relatives. A lot of that stuff is just ugly and you can’t take it back on the 26th if it has gravy stains on it.
10. Don’t let your kids offer to “take the Christmas tree outside to give us more room” unless you are willing to lose all of your ornaments. Somewhere, someone in the family got a new pellet gun or bb gun that they would love to sight in on your decorative glass balls and antique tree lights.
11. Don’t let anyone under 21 handle the can of whipped cream (preferably Ready Whip and not the store brand stuff) to put on the pies. They will treat it like a can of silly string. People will have whipped cream beards. A teenager will joke that someone creamed their jeans due to an inappropriate shot of pressurized dessert topping. It won’t go all the way around the table if a responsible adult is not in charge.

We hope that these tips will help the new host and hostess properly prepare and serve their holiday meal. The editors and writers of SatireWorld wish everyone a safe and Marry Christmas and a Happy New Year and want you all to know that the Broncos are favored by 13 1/2 and the over/under is 48.

Leave a Reply