by E. Williams on 27/04/15 at 6:55 am
CLEVELAND – (satireworld.com)
A little known news item from the recent 2015 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremonies which saw musical legends like Stevie Ray Vaughan, Lou Reed, and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, to name a few, inducted into the Rock Hall, was the opening next door of the “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nursing Home for Aging Rockers.” The nursing home is a first-class, luxury facility designed to meet the needs of those who gave their all so that the rest of us might rock.
Many past inductees are afflicted with ailments caused by years of touring and performing like hearing loss, vertigo (thanks U2), bodies ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse and, of course, the dreaded erectile dysfunction. This new facility, which only allows Rock and Roll inductees to become residents, will have features that honor past inductees. Tours are available for visitors but they are not allowed to bother residents with picture or autograph requests.
The main lobby of the nursing home is named after Jerry Lee Lewis, a first year inductee, and has a large banner which reads “Whole Lotta Sittin’ Goin’ On.” Moving past the spacious lobby, visitors walk down a hallway named after Aretha Franklin, and R-E-S-P-E-C-T must be shown at all times there. From there, the place really opens up. Residents can hang out at the Rolling Stones’ casino, “Tumblin’ Dice,” and if a resident loses too much at the roulette wheel, money can be obtained at the “Johnny Cash” ATM.
For rockers who miss their acid popping days of yore, residents can check out “The Jimi Hendrix Experience” Planetarium, where they can recline back and enjoy a trippy light show. The show is sponsored by Pink Floyd, Frank Zappa, and Talking Heads. It’s floor-to-ceiling mirrors at the “Rod Stewart Room” where residents can stop by to check themselves out in case they’re wondering if we still think they’re sexy.
There is a hearing aid repair shop called “The Who?”, therapy for couples is available at the “Ike and Tina Turner Counseling Lounge,” and residents can also hang out in the well-landscaped courtyard and feed “The Yardbirds.” When residents get hungry, they can hit one of several restaurants and cafeterias from “The Red Hot Chili Pepper,” to the “Lovin’ Spoonful,” to “The Fats Domino’s Pizza.”
Other amenities include a hair salon called “Blondie”, a chapel, where officiating is rotated between The Temptations and The Righteous Brothers, a portrait studio called “Grandmaster Flash” where residents can have pictures taken of themselves with their families, and a jewelry store run by Neil Diamond. For medical emergencies, Dr. John is always on call. There is a lounge where the smoking of medicinal marijuana is permitted, called “The Smokey Robinson” and, for those wishing to kick back with a cocktail, the nursing home offers two bars, “The Coasters” and “Muddy Waters.”
As you might imagine, anytime you have a bunch of wealthy musicians in one place, most still receiving royalty checks, there are bound to be lots of valuables that need protecting. For that, on-site security is always provided by The Police.
*********This story was inspired by, and is written for, Mr. Walter Bucket. Walter gave me the idea for this story from one of his famous lists about a month ago. I told him it would be a great premise for a story and told him he should write it. He said, “No, I just do lists these days. Will you please write it?” I filed it away until today, the day I heard he had passed too early from this world. I hope it’s funny enough to have gotten Walter’s approval. My only regret is that he wasn’t around to read it. But in all reality, I have no doubt that not only has he read it, but he gave me the words to write it. We miss you already, Walter.