by E. Williams on 01/05/15 at 6:26 am
BOSTON – (satireworld.com)
After lending his name to a made-for-TV genealogy special about his ancestors that was supposed to have a warm and fuzzy ending, actor Ben Affleck was initially horrified to find out that one of his great-great-great grandfathers was a slave owner. So horrified, in fact, that he tried to get the producer of the show to keep the newly discovered family secrets, well, secret. But the ploy didn’t work, the news went public, and Ben was left feeling deflated and looking like a douchebag for trying to cover up the facts.
Ben’s attempt at secrecy was a small-scale example of how liberals try to rewrite history by ignoring the facts and omitting parts of the part they find unpleasant for one reason or another. But wait, it gets worse for Ben. Since the news hit the media, public records checks have revealed that numerous Affleck family members were slave owners and owned a total of over 200 slaves! There is not enough alcohol in the world to wash away the white guilt that Batman is feeling these days.
Ben thought about paying out reparations to purge himself of his tremendous white guilt but decided against it since, as a member of the Hollywood elite, he felt much more comfortable demanding that others pay out reparations while holding on to his own money. So, in light of the devastating news, Ben has decided instead to embrace his past rather than trying to hide it. He has acquired ten slaves to work his mansion/plantation estate, but promises to be a totally cool master.
Going all in for diversity, the slaves Ben has purchased include four white trash rednecks, three Central American illegal immigrants, three Asians, an Eskimo, and one Pakistani fellow. The slaves will wash cars, clean windows, perform light housekeeping and landscaping duties, and cook meals on the Affleck estate.
Ben felt that chains and shackles were too outdated to use on his slaves, so he opted for high tech electronic collars that each worker must be fitted with. The collars will shock and incapacitate any slave who gets any wise ideas about wandering off the estate grounds and making a break for freedom through the nearby woods.
And in a nod to his ancestors, in his next movie, Batman will own one slave – an older gentleman named Alfred.