Latest Nielsen Ratings Show All Viewership For CNN, MSNBC Are ‘Accidents’

by on 09/05/15 at 7:11 am

MSNBC plans on offering Marie Harf her very own cooking show i n order to promote viewer interest. 'Cooking Left With Marie' will feature guest chefs and news commentary.

MSNBC plans on offering Marie Harf her very own cooking show in order to promote increased viewer interest for the network. ‘What’s Cooking With Marie’ will feature guest chefs and news commentary, as well as, a frank discussion on sex and abortion.

ATLANTA – (satireworld.com)

The latest Nielsen ratings numbers are in and they reveal what many have long suspected – that every counted viewer of CNN and MSNBC was an accident. TV viewers have known for some time that there is not a single show on either network worth watching, but the latest data proves it.

Whether it’s the arrogance of CNN’s Chris Cuomo, the insufferable fence-sitting by MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough – with his blonde bimbo, Mika, the condescending Rachel Maddow, the “know-it-all” bookworm, Chris Hayes, blowhards Chris Matthews and Ed Schultz, or the unintelligible Al Sharpton, neither channel has a show that is worth any viewer’s time.

Along with the usual information Nielsen compiles from its test audiences, in the latest round of ratings information, viewers also included written documentation to supplement their ratings data. It’s almost as if viewers were embarrassed to have any evidence at all that they watched anything on either channel.

Nielsen announced they received written documentation from viewers giving reasons such as, “I was grounded, and as part of my punishment my parents forced me to watch MSNBC” to “Please disregard the few minutes showing that we watched CNN. Our dog stepped on the remote and Anderson Cooper’s show was on for several minutes. When we looked up and noticed what had happened, we changed the channel as quickly as possible to try to cover up the mistake.” This last incident is the equivalent of “butt-dialing” someone on your cell phone. Purely an accident.

One viewer said, “The power went out and, when our equipment reset itself, somehow MSNBC came on. We changed the channel as fast as we could. It was a harrowing couple of minutes in our house, I can assure you! We hope this incident that was out of our control doesn’t affect our chances of being a ‘Nielsen family’ in the future.”

One Nielsen executive told us, “We’ve known for a long time that most of the viewership for those channels were mistakes for one reason or another, and we appreciate the honesty we get from our test audiences. When you have news shows on a “major” network that only gets tens of thousands of viewers, out of a population of over 300 million, you know most of those numbers are bogus or stem from a morbid curiosity, like watching a train wreck. We’ve had reports from countless people who stumbled across those two channels and thought they were watching a Saturday Night Live type sketch comedy show. Sometimes it takes them a few minutes to realize their mistake. Poor bastards.”



2 Responses to “Latest Nielsen Ratings Show All Viewership For CNN, MSNBC Are ‘Accidents’”

  1. Captain america

    May 9th, 2015

    …don’t overlook the fact that Obama has delivered 92m unemployed trying to spur viewers!

    • Philbert of Macadamia

      May 9th, 2015

      ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Obama couldn’t deliver a Pizza!

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