by captain america on 12/07/15 at 12:28 pm
The Spoof – (satireworld.com)
A dowdy London retiree, saying he ‘really didn’t need it anymore’, lugged an antique Victorian Bureau in for appraisal on the Antique Road Show, and found after an appraisal it was worth over 3.5M Spoof Points!
Mortimer Fartwaithe, a retired postal worker from Yeoville, said he inherited the Bureau after an aging pensioner gave up his room without notice and disappeared, only leaving a brief message of good bye.
Fartwaithe, owner of the two flat after his loving mum passed on, said the pensioner, who he described as a ‘serious sort of bloke, well dressed in a shabby kind of way, with a pension to sleep all day, and work at his computer all bloody night’ inhabited the one bedroom flat for just over a year.
The renter, who paid by cash, and identified himself only as Toby Smythe, born in the UK, but who had spent most of his life ‘abroad’, said he wanted to come back to England for awhile, ‘just to get his bearings’ before striking out on what he considered ‘a new beginning’
Fartwaithe said Mr. Smythe left with only a small suitcase, his computer laptop, leaving his other meager purchases behind, including the quaint Bureau he said he had purchased at a flea market in Manchester from a woman who said she had purchased it on E-Bay, but found it not to her liking, especially after her husband found out how much it had cost, and went on a 3 day ‘drink about!”
Fartwaithe said he hoped to sell it during the Antiques Road Show episode so he could replace it with a more fitting Amoire, upgrade the decor of the flat for rent, and realize ” another pound or two”.
Antique Road Show Barrister, Q.M. Mudder, a registered appraiser, took one look at the Bureau, inventoried its contents and was seen to go ass mess, freakin’ catatonic. Her certified inventory of the chest follows:
SPOOF HALL OF FAME
Screen Name: Bureau
‘Bureau’ has published 213,687 items on TheSpoof
* 9,984 Spoof News Stories
* 109 Spoof Magazine Articles
* 101,364 Spoof Snippets
* 11,917 Jokes
* 1,315 Fake Celebrity Diaries
Certified this day, 15 October, 2009.
By Decree …QM, Spoof Appraiser, LLC, UN, WMF,& WTF for the Realm.
All of The Bureau’s original works, including rejections, were neatly cataloged and mounted in pristine folders, and time lined by date.
Spoof Connoisseurs from around the globe were notified, and an intense bidding war soon erupted, including over 100 telephone bids from aspiring writers from as far away as Thailand, San Francisco, Ca. and Tampa, Fl.
Finally, Spoof Publisher, Lord Mark Lowton, a billionaire in his own right, put an end to the bidding by closing everyone out with a winning mark of 3.5M Spoof Points…cash!
Said Lowton, “We can’t have this old Bureau’s work just floating around the universe, it needs a proper place!”
Lowton, said as soon as his MP expense check comes in he will start ground breaking on the International Spoof Hall of Fame Library, where ‘The Bureau’, and its contents, will hold the place of honor.
Lowton said he has already commissioned a bronze plaque to hang over the exhibit:
HERE LIES AN OLD BUREAU, DRAWERS AND ALL
A MAN OF FEW WORDS, BUT EACH WE RECALL
A REFLECTION OF LIFE’S FOIBLES, EACH WITH A POINT
AND AS LIFE MOVES ON, WE ARE LEFT WONDERING, “IS THAT IT, AFTER ALL?”