Meet The One-legged Man Who’s Actually Busier Now As A One-Legged Ass Kicker

by on 11/10/17 at 5:31 am

Morris says he gives a hefty discount to those that show him a voter registration card with 'Democrat'  as a preference. "Often I just offer them a two-fer-one deal and my buddies down at the VFW get a big laugh out of it!"

Morris says he gives a hefty discount to those that show him a voter registration card with ‘Democrat’ as a preference.
“Often I just offer them a two-fer-one deal and my buddies down at the VFW get a big laugh out of it!”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) claims she was 'this close' to visiting the event in Durham, but a close friend said the 'special free invitation' looked kinda fishy.

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) claims she was ‘this close’ to visiting the event in Durham, but a close friend said the ‘special free invitation’ looked kinda fishy.

Durham, NC – (satireworld.com)

Morris Helms says he’s never been busier! The retired veteran, who looks a healthy 50 instead of being a few days away from turning 65, says ever since he read an ad looking for contestants in a local amateur mixed martial arts contest he’s been very busy on Saturday nights. “ Wow! It’s like taking candy from a baby!”

Billed as ‘Durham’s Big-Ass Kicking Contest,’ the Saturday night event draws thousands of eager enthusiasts looking to see who gets their pride diminished by a one-legged ass kicker named Morris Helms.

“Someone once told me they were ‘busier than a one-legged ass kicker’ and that got me-a-thinking. Once I saw that there ad for some contestants in an amateur mixed martial arts boxing contest nearby, I thought I could give it a special attraction and see how many would want to claim that they got their asses whupped by a one-legged 65 year old ass kicker!”

So far almost 1,200 people have paid $100 or more to have their ass kicked in the ring by a one-legged veteran. Some have come back several times for bragging rights, additional photos, or to just get another tee shirt. Most are young men, but recently several women have taken the challenge.

“I don’t kick them girls as hard,” says Helms, but does admit that most guys simply bend over and allow him a sturdy shot with his size twelve steel toed leather work boot.

“Some guys laugh, but I’d had a few who cried like a baby after ol’ Mr. Righty (that’s my boot’s name) gave him what fer right on the ole bung hole.”



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