Throckmorton P. Turdblossom; The Country Boy Advice Column

by on 30/09/18 at 6:26 pm

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Poontang, AR – (satireworld.com)

Howdy All Ya’ll! I’ve been gone for over three years now and guess that everybody figured I was dead or something (cuz I’m a really old fart). Well, the truth is even weirder than that.

You see, my wife and I hadn’t been getting along for a while. The woman who had been the love of my life had become the pain in my ass (or neck, if you think I should be nice). She was constantly nagging and riding me and bringing up the past and trying everything she could to get my goat. She wouldn’t take care of herself and she had that old people smell and everything. It got to the point in our relationship that there wasn’t a real relationship. I left.

I went to Oklahoma City to see one of our kids. Unfortunately, they were out of town and so I checked in to a hotel. I was going to my room after checking in and had to get on this elevator with a bunch of people. On the trip up, the lights went out and the elevator stopped. It must have jammed.

One woman screamed and suddenly through her arms around me. I knew that she was a woman because she smelled really nice and had breasts and was wearing a bra – you can tell these things when a woman grabs you and holds on tight and your arms have to go around her and support her. She was sobbing and crying and mumbling how much she hated the dark and that we were all going to die.

Having comforted more than one crying child and grandchild and even wife and, many years ago, a few girlfriends, I just held her tight and let her cry and rubbed her back. Her breath was on my neck and warm and felt really nice. I noticed that, even though I hadn’t taken a little purple pill, parts of me were starting to rise to the occasion. She was touching me and turning me on and I felt good and started rubbing her some more and roving with my hands. That’s when she decided to lock lips with me and shove her tongue down my throat.

Well, that went on for a few minutes before the lights came back up and the elevator started moving again. I looked at her and saw a young, beautiful woman with a smoking hot body. She looked at my old pile of bones, smiled, and used a catch phrase from the 70’s: “If it feels good, do it.”

The elevator stopped at her floor before mine and she grabbed me and pulled me to her room and completely ravished me for hours. You know how you are supposed to report to a doctor if you have an erection that lasts for more than four hours? Hell, I want to brag about it!

In the middle of our all night love making session, she put on a cheerleader costume. When I told her that she looked hotter than a real cheerleader, she told me that she was actually a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Me, and old man, with a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader in a hotel room in an all night lovemaking session? Nobody would ever believe it.

We had breakfast in bed the next morning and had fun with the pancake syrup and the whipped cream and the bananas. It was the greatest sexual experience of my life up to that point.

What I thought was a one night stand continued when she asked if I could come to Dallas with her for a few days. I kinda figured she needed handyman stuff or something, but I guess she really liked our May-December (well, more like February-December romance). I was robbing the cradle, but it made me feel more like a man than I had in twenty years.

We got to the young lady’s penthouse apartment (a man must use discretion so I ain’t gonna give you her name). She had two roommates who were just as beautiful as she was (she was blonde, one was brunette, and the other was a fiery little redhead). They looked at me kind of funny at first, but I saw after a few days that they all had a revolving door on their bedrooms with men of all sizes, races, and ages.

After about three days, my lady friend fell in practice and hurt both wrists. She asked me to get in the shower with her and wash her back. Great fun! It got even better when she asked if I could help her shave her legs and her… well…you know!

I am a very old man and have been shaving my face for over sixty… well, seventy years. I have shaved in foxholes and in the dark and on hunting trips and campouts. I have a steady hand and a smooth stroke with a razor. I have used single blades and multiple blade razors and a straight razor and electric razors and pocket knives and can give a sweet, smooth job to myself however I do it.

Well, she liked the job so much that I “got a bonus” and could do whatever else I wanted down there. That lead to a really good lovemaking session.

The next morning, one of the other girls in the place was complaining about her razor leaving nicks in bad spots and my lady started bragging about my work. Within the matter of a few days, I was shaving her roommates and a few teammates on the cheerleading squad. I got rewarded by each of the girls after giving them a nice shave and a haircut (and it was more than two bits!).

That’s been my life for the past few years. The only time I ever really get a break from being their boy toy is when they have a road game and are gone for a few days. Otherwise, I spend my time scratching their itches and easing their pains and sufferings and getting laid… more than ever!

It’s a rough life but someone’s got to do it.

I may or may not be able to get back to writing my column. Think about it… would you rather write for a slave driver or be the love slave for a townhouse apartment full of cheerleaders in their mid-twenties?

This is Throckmorton P. Turdblossom signing off.



One Response to “Throckmorton P. Turdblossom; The Country Boy Advice Column”

  1. Jalapenoman

    Oct 1st, 2018

    Lucky dog!

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