Of course, Mooch will arrive with an entourage of friends, her sponge-grubing mother, 200 support staff, and a small navy to guard her while beaching it a few times a week. Hundreds of nearby peons will have their vacations disturbed by road closing, helicopter noise, and annoying press for the entire summer.

Cape Cod, MA – (SatireWorld.com)

The national news media was not on the scene when the Weather Channel’s ‘master of disaster’ Jim Cantori flew in to Hyannis, MA yesterday with his advance team anticipating the whirlwind arrival of Michelle Obama who threatened to take an extended ‘sabbatical’ from her stressful duties of mentoring her campaigning husband and counting the nation’s calories, and by her presence completely cripple the slowly recovering economy of this NE tourist region, AKA ‘The Irish Riviera.”

According to one of the First Lady’s numerous staffers, Michelle and ‘the kids’ will be extending their usual vacation on Martha’s Vineyard which usually last about 2 weeks and brings no fly zones, the suspension of the twice daily ferry from Hyannis carrying tourists as well as workers to the mainland.

As in previous years this leads to a 25 mile backup on the Bourne and Sagamore bridges leading to the cape on a Friday night as Boston Pols and 35 year old union workers on life time, tax free disability pensions flee to their 2nd and 3rd homes on Cape Cod with the hope they can see Marine One hovering over Mashpee Commons as the first lady and her entourage descend from the heavens to take over the picturesque New England themed mall for a few hours of shopping topped off with a festive taxpayer funded meal including French Champagne toasts to France’s socialist President after he enacted the now infamous 100% tax on wealthy individuals in the country most noted for throwing their hands up in supplication.

“Ayup….a big arse mess for sure be coming, moaned cape clammer Eustis Crowell, ” every statie will be collecting overtime directing traffic and guarding the entrance to every Dunkin Donut along Route 28…won’t be none left to keep an eye out for any more of them Rag Head terrorists, BASTAAAADS!”

According to the White House Michelle, the kids, Bo the dog, and MIL Marion Robinson may be in their rented waterfront estate till fall in order to enjoy the foliage, or at least until Taylor Swift exercises her option and closes the real estate deal causing the gang to vacate the premises.

Ms. Taylor’s estate agent, identified only as “Krissy” said she couldn’t comment on the singer’s plans, but did say her client ‘is exceptionally close to the first lady, and just loves her taste in clothes, so they may be allowed to stay longer.”

Local Cape Codders were not surprised to hear of the first lady’s ‘summer separation’ citing her earlier remarks that she was ‘a single mother’, and didn’t have enough time ‘to list all Barry’s failures.”

‘We’re used to these types of trial separations, ‘said Paul O’connell a long time fence installer on the Cape which is noted to have more installed fence than the border between Arizona, New Mexico, San Diego and Texas combined, ‘when summer comes to the Cape every one usually splits up, but they all get back together again at the first frost sometime in late November, unless of course it’s an election year!”

Insiders say Barry will be rejoining the family on weekends, but mostly just to play golf and imbibe in the famous Mashpee Wampanoag Tribes “first light oysters’ said to instill virility and infallibility, “Barry’s been gorging on’em since late in ’08′ said Obama supporter, and now affirmative action Senator Lizzy Warren,no stranger her ownself to the power of Indian mysticism.

Expecting the worst, FEMA has been alerted, as well as the National Guard, to deal with the expected damage once the impact of Michelle’s arrival takes hold, said to be capable of exceeding a Force 5 on the ‘blow hard’ scale.

Chris Christie is said to be ready to join Obama when he tours the devastation, and already pledged “Barry and I will take steps to cut through all the red tape and have the area up and running, at least by Memorial Day, 2014. After all, what good is having the power to screw everybody, if you don’t use it?”

As a revenue enhancing measure, Governor ‘Cadillac Deville” Patrick, says he hopes to have the AMTRAK hi speed train from DC to Provincetown up and running as soon as ‘the FEMA check clears’

Infighting has already started between Michael Du Ka-Ka and VP Joe Biden over will be the honorary engineer in charge of the administration’s latest train wreck.

Captain America, standing by on Route 28 at the 132 Rotary.

..and every Democrat who voted for this failed community organizer should write an apology letter to our fore fathers begging forgiveness!

Obama administration apologist, White House senior adviser Dan Pfeiffer made the rounds of the five Sunday talk shows. He invoked illogical arguments as to why President Barack Obama wasn’t told about the IRS scandal and defended his boss about the response to the Islamic terrorist attack on the US Embassy in Benghazi Libya.

Mr. Pfeiffer seems to have forgotten that the president is the senior manager, responsible for the all of the executive branch agencies, including the IRS, with agency cabinet officials reporting directly to him. In the words of President Harry S Truman “The Buck Stops Here!”

Mr. Pfeiffer also claimed President Obama was not involved in crafting the Benghazi embassy attack talking points. These talking points went through 12 iterations before UN Ambassador Susan Rice went on all five Sunday shows five days after the September 11, 2012 attacks, with no mention of any Islamic terrorist attacks.

Mr. Pfeiffer further said that Republicans owed UN Ambassador Susan Rice “an apology” for accusing her of intentionally misleading the nation over the nature of the Benghazi Consulate attack.

Au contraire Mr. Pfeiffer, UN Ambassador Susan Rice owes the American public an apology for: 1) being dumber than a box of rocks; 2) not being able to ascertain that the talking points she was given to parrot on the Sunday talk shows were a charade to hide the incompetent Obama administration’s failed Islamic terrorism policy; 3) being a pawn of President Obama, possibly attached at the hip or other body part; 4) being arrogant to anyone daring to question being fed a load of bullshit by the Obama administration; and 5) fraudulently collecting a taxpayer provided salary.

The Obama administration is still dragging its feet in bringing the Islamic terrorists, identified by the FBI, to justice who murdered the American Ambassador to Libya, an embassy staffer and two Special Forces operators.

Anthony Weiner’s campaign spot on TV reminds voters that this candidate has sizzle!

New York City – (SatireWorld.com)
Opening the 30 second TV ad with a cheesy smile and his arm around his equally chessy wife, Anthony told NYC voters that he’s ‘pretty hard to beat!”

Weiner says it’s getter harder and harder everyday to mount a successful campaign without the distractions of the past, but empty-headed Democrats say they might give him a pass and vote for him.

Ruda Goldstein had this to say about fellow Brooklynite Weiner…”He is so handsome and looks so sexy in his underwear! Women love him! And he will win the erection.”

Ben Shapiro had this to say about Weiner who buys bagels from his Brooklyn shop every week…”He tried to stick it out as long as he could, but everyman has his limit!”

Myra Feinberg says, “He’ll have some stiff competition during the mayor campaign.”

Intimidation? Probably, but isn’t this the same agency who recently purchased 1.4 billion rounds of .40 cal ammo? That’s more than the US armed forces would use in 25 years.

There were multiple reported sightings of agents with the Department of Homeland Security at several Tea Party-led IRS protests in states like Missouri, Florida, Illinois and Indiana. The peaceful rallies that occurred across the country on Tuesday were sparked by the IRS’ unfair targeting of conservative groups — one of the several scandals the Obama administration is dealing with.

What is unclear though is why federal officials felt the Tea Party presence required more than the attention of local law enforcement.

The above photo showing “armed” DHS guards, were reportedly taken at the St. Louis IRS protest:

In Maitland, Fla., just north of Orlando, a Tea Party-led IRS protest also reportedly attracted the Department of Homeland Security. Photos apparently snapped at that particular protest show at least one DHS vehicle at the site of the rally.

In one of the photos, a women poses in front of the DHS SUV with a sign that reads: “Hey IRS! Don’t target me, bro!”

A woman in Fort Wayne, Ind., found herself all alone at the scheduled rally outside the IRS office on Tuesday. However, she was reportedly accompanied by three visible security guards in the IRS parking lot, which included a Homeland Security officer.

It would be helpful to find out if DHS presence was customary during rowdy “Occupy” protests, which many times spun out of control and resulted in property damage and injuries (not to mention drug use).

Obama’s Army might be the realization of the ‘National Police Force’ he spoke about during the 2008 elections.

“Look Boss…A pair of panties With Hillary’s initials on them…Think Bill forgot and left them here?”

The General Services Administration (GSA) has initiated the bidding process for clean-up and refurbishment contractors to ready the White House for the new occupant in January 2017.

At the bidder’s conference a GSA spokesperson explained that because of the two to five year federal government bureaucratic contracting cycle, it was prudent to start the process immediately, e.g. the Keystone XL Pipeline still not approved after five years.

A spokesperson for all the clean-up and refurbishment contractors attending the meeting said that each firm intends to no-bid at this time, as the cost of the clean-up cannot be realistically estimated.

The spokesperson continued, citing only what currently needs clean-up: fast and furious gun walking; the cover-up of the Benghazi Embassy Islamic terrorist attack; the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) targeting of Republican conservatives, Tea Party and religious groups; the gathering of information on Associated Press (AP) reporters by seizing their business, cell phone and home telephone records; losing a number of Islamic terrorists from the witness protection program; and the Pentagon sexual assault investigations.

However, there is still over three years left to President Obama’s second term (unless he gets impeached) to discover more dirt swept under the rugs, dirty laundry, skeletons in the closets, people thrown under the bus, grime in high places and packs of lies hidden under the bed in the Lincoln bedroom!

Al Gore’s ‘press secretary’ Frenchie Francois said she felt the heat during her stay in Barbados mostly because Al liked to turn the A/C down and use two blankets at night.

Snow for 232 straight days…it took over 30 years for Anchorage to set a new record for the longest snow season on record.

The National Weather Service measured 2/10ths of an inch just after 9 p.m. Friday and 1/10th Saturday morning – breaking the old record of 230 days set in 1981-1982.

Anchorage police responded to 22 crashes, 4 with injuries and 37 vehicles in distress between midnight and noon Saturday. Police say roads were wet and not icy midday and “motorists should use caution if the temperatures drop below freezing.

Other parts of the city had much higher amounts of snow, however official measurements must be consistent and observed at the Sand Lake forecast office. The recent snowfall also broke the daily record for liquid precipitation, lowest maximum temperature for May 17, and a host of other records.

NWS says Saturday evening’s forecast calls for “mostly cloudy with isolated snow showers in the evening…then partly cloudy after midnight – lows in the upper teens to mid 20s and north wind to 15 mph.”

For Sunday, the forecast will be mostly sunny, highs in the 40s, and light winds, according to NWS.

Al Gore, who was vacationing in Barbados, said he felt pretty warm wehere was and stands pat on his global warming theory in spite of what happens in Republican Alaska.

Obama would be right at home in this role. As far as him saying ‘I know nothing’! We already knew that before the feckless liberals elected him to office.

Sergeant Hans Schultz is a fat, moustached comical character in the old TV show Hogan’s Heroes. Masterfully played by the actor John Banner. Schultz is a bumbling, obese sergeant in a Nazi German POW camp branded Stalag 13, who, when confronted by evidence of the Allied prisoners’ covert activities, will simply look the other way, repeating “I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing!” to avoid being blamed. This eventually became a catchphrase of the series.
But there’s nothing comical or funny about President Obama, the ‘Sergeant Shultz’ of the Chicago Thug Crew now operating in the White House.

One would think the leader of the free world who has a staff of thousands, access to the world’s best intelligent services, and is briefed daily with details both large and small; political and or of national interests would be briefed over scandals like Fast ‘n Furious illegal gun running to drug cartels, illegally wiretapping journalists, and IRS outrages that are threatening to blow the lid off his second term. One would think that for sure, but in Obama-land the circling of wagons is evident and lockdown by both threats to subordinate government employees and out right lies is diminishing any credibility the Administration may have left.

Soon to replace the popular ‘Hope and Change’ mantra/

“I know nothing. I see nothing. I hear nothing.”

Well, as far as excuses go, this one is a bit better than ‘the dog ate my homework.’

According to sources in the CIA, the iris of the Peeping Tom belongs to a very well known black male, but wouldn’t divulge exactly who it was.

The White House – (SatireWorld.com)

SatireWorld editor Bargis Tryhol said in his blog on Monday that the Obama administration’s developing scandal involving the monitoring of Fox News reporter James Rosen’s email accounts goes “much deeper.”

Citing a “CIA source,” Tryhol claimed via his official Twitter account that the Fox News scandal was the “3rd Shoe” and the White House is sitting on “something” that has top White House aides even more “terrified.”

With the second star-studded event held at the White House in the last two months celebrating the Sequester, a rash of complaints surfaced from female celebrities about a ‘certian individual’ peeking while they dressed in the White House dressing rooms.

Secret Service agents fearing a national security breech, placed several motion sensitive cameras and recorded a male peeking through the keyhole on the female dressing room door. At that time pop singer Beyonce was dressing.

Using biometric security software they were able to identify the Peeping Tom using secure Secret Service records.

The Secret Service instituted a news blackout of the event, but staffers fear the information weill be leaked in the next week or so.

Jay Carney…Only the Maytag repairman is lonelier, with the exception that more people believe the Maytag guy won’t lie!

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that he will be leaving his current position at the end of July 2013 for employment elsewhere.

At this week’s White House press briefing reporters from the Washington Post, The New York Times, Fox News Channel, MSNBC TV, ABC TV, CNN and other news sources asked why.

Mr. Carney responded that on January 27, 2011 President Obama selected me to succeed Robert Gibbs as White House Press Secretary, subsequently leaving my position of Communications Director for VP Joe Biden. Since then I have had to handle the Fast and Furious ATF gun-walking episode; the president’s ongoing Middle East Arab Spring and Syrian chemical weapons red line fiascos; the administration’s strained relations with close US allies; the Benghazi Libya Embassy terrorist attack cover-up; the IRS persecution of conservative groups; and the Associated Press (AP) phone records seizure.

Since I have been up to my ears in muck, I have accepted employment at the Washington Suburban Sanitary Commission (WSSC) as the new director of the sewage processing plants division!

“Did you catch that footage of the whale getting bonked on the head with that missle. Laughed my ass off…”

Protesting the lack of media coverage ever since the Boston Bombings swept North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s childish antics from the breaking news, North Korean medium range rockets splashed into waters bordering the Hermit Kingdom.

South Korean air defense experts claim it was a short range rocket and not a medium ranged model that the North claims it launched. General Kim Du angrily challenged the South saying it positively was a medium range rocket because he personally lit the fuse to set it off!

South Korean General Yu Park Wong quickly chastised his counter-part by claiming the General is over 89 years old and forgets easily, often calling the South Koreans ‘Japanesse occupying forces.’

General Yu Park-Wong stirred the North Korean hornet’s nest two years ago when he accused Jong-un’s late father of having a small penis and big mouth.

Dr. Sigmund Freud III is a frequent contributor to SatireWorld. Be sure to read Dr. Frued’s latest book…”Think Like Your Penis”

I felt as a professional psychiatrist I had to contact Satire World about Philbert of Macadamia’s story of May 16, 2013 entitled “Former NAACP Official to Meet With Tea Party Leaders.”

Mr. Macadamia states that President Barack Obama ordered a white wine and a piece of Black Forrest cake; Vice President Joe Biden asked for black bean soup; Senior Advisor to the President Valerie Jarrett requested white turkey chili; White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough ordered a pulled pork sandwich on black bread; and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney ordered a pastrami sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise.

The story’s author, not being a psychiatrist, failed to follow through on the significant analyses of the lunch orders that my great grandfather would surely have performed. President Obama’s lunch order demonstrates that he is always politically correct; Vice President Biden is just full of beans; Ms. Jarrett is either in denial or simply likes white turkey chili: and Mr. McDonough is fond of the other white meat, but isn’t totally sure.

Mr. Carney just recovering from several relapses of the ailment liar, liar your pants are on fire may have suffered a brain injury by searing his butt. Otherwise why would anyone in their right mind order a pastrami sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise?

My great grandfather would have concluded that there was some kind of sexual connotation associated with Mr. Bond declining lunch and hastily leaving the room. I on the other hand believe that his statement that Tea Party groups are, after all, “overtly racist” and the “Taliban wing of American politics” is a direct insult to all US service personnel who have faced the Taliban!

Very truly yours,
Dr. Sigmund Freud III
Vienna Virginia

“Ha Ha Ha Ha! The first ting we do iz maka youse all wear deze big sombreros!”

Having already taken over all of South and Central America, the Latino population of the New World now have their sights on taking over the northern hemisphere as well.

Having subdued the native peoples of these lands over the centuries and dominating their former lands, they now wish to pull the carpet out from under the largely white population of the two countries of the north…the United States and Canada.

“We have been planning this for a long time.” said Miguel Hermosa, coyote organizer of Conquistadors of Norte America, a Latino underground pumping illegals over the Mexican border into the U.S. “We saw how lazy the gringos are now in the age of computers and don’t want to do the hard or dirty physical labor that any society needs to keep functioning. We came over the borders both legally and illegally to do these unfilled jobs. Now, with much time, we have taken over the foundation level of their society and will over throw them, making them slaves to do the work they once despised. We have over populated our taken over lands in the south and now need more ‘lebensraum’ in the north. We have our people in every state and every province in the two gringo nations. They will soon be ours!”

Already the organized efforts of Conqistadors and other clandestine Hispanic groups have managed to put a wedge into U.S. immigration and illegal alien policies. They have made the United States the only country in the world that forgives illegals who have broken the law and shown disrespect for doing so and who now supports the children of these illegals by allowing them to stay and helping them with their higher education, something which the government doesn’t extend to its own citizens.

The coyotes do not plan on stopping after they have subjugated the northern hemisphere. “Why stop?” asks Hermosa. “Siberia and the riches of Russia are just over the pole on the other side from Canada. Think of what we could do with all the oil and land that they control!”

If Abedin didn’t work for the State Department and Hillary Clinton, she’d never get a visa to visit Israel

Iranian born Huma Abedin, longtime friend of the Clintons and wife of former Rep. Anthony ‘Underpants’ Weiner, enjoyed an arrangement to work as an adviser in the State Department under Secretary of State Hillary Clinton while still consulting for private client.

Abedin was employed as a “special government employee” to the agency, although she didn’t disclose the outside income in her financial disclosure forms. An adviser to Clinton explained since she has such a sensitive role that Abedin wouldn’t have to disclose her income under law.

With the obvious potential for conflicts of interest, good-government types argue that public officials shouldn’t be allowed to maintain private consulting gigs while working for the government. Abedin’s clients outside the State Department included the William Jefferson Clinton Foundation as well as Teneo, a consulting firm co-founded by Doug Band, a former adviser to Bill Clinton.

According to the Times, interviews and State Department records show that “the lines were blurred between Ms. Abedin’s work in the high echelons of one of the government’s most sensitive executive departments and her role as a Clinton family insider.” The arrangement apparently began in June of 2012, after Abedin returned from maternity leave.

Abedin has a curious role in high state department since many of her relatives in the Egyptian Brotherhood.

Reportedly, one stripper from Kenya deep-throated a rolled-up copy of the US Constitution.

According to sworn testimony by a Karima el-Mahroug, the alleged underage prostitute at the center of the scandal, the embattled former Italian prime minister hired women to perform stripteases in sexy nurse, sexy nun and sexy Barack Obama costumes.

Three former Berlusconi aides are on trial for procuring el-Mahroug and another prostitute for sex. She claims she was paid about $40,000 to attend his wild parties over the course of a year.

The aides are accused of recruiting prostitutes, abetting prostitution and, in el-Mahroug’s case, abetting prostitution of a minor. Berlusconi is facing separate charges for having sex with el-Mahroug when she was just 17, which they both deny.

During her testimony Friday, el-Mahroug said that several women were dressed as nuns, Obama and the Milan prosecutor who is after Berlusconi. Of course, they didn’t stay dressed like that for long before stripping down to their lingerie.

“The girls who were dressed in costumes approached him in a sensual way as they danced. They raised their skirts,” she said. “I never saw contact.”

El-Mahroug said that she went to the former prime minister’s mansion, Arcore, six times and each time was handed envelopes full of cash from 500 to 2,000 euros.

Politicians are like diapers…Once they begin to smell they need to be changed!

The Government Accountability Office (GAO) has charged the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) with spending $1 billion on developing a Fecal Matter Odor Detector (FMOD).

FMOD’s are employed by the FDA to detect foul odors in food processing plants in order to enhance food safety. Some FMODs were also loaned to the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) to detect animal/cow manure odors in crop fields. The FMODs were appropriately nicknamed “Bullshit Detectors.”

The FMOD manufacturer was to deliver 500 units to the USDA building at 1400 Independence Avenue, but the inexperienced truck driver got confused and delivered them to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The units were placed in the basement until USDA personnel could pick them up.

Washington DC Metropolitan Police were dispatched later in the day to the White House, when neighbors and pedestrians reported hearing loud shrill alarms that sounded like 500 banshees were trapped in the basement.

Apparently President Obama, White House Press Secretary Carney and senior staff political advisors were discussing how to blame the Republicans for the cover-up of the Benghazi Embassy Islamic terrorist attack; the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) targeting of Republican conservatives, Tea Party and religious groups; the gathering of information on Associated Press (AP) reporters by seizing their telephone records; and losing a number of Islamic terrorists from the witness protection program.

The GAO has revised its report to indicate that US taxpayers got their money’s worth from the FMODs!

=”Fair man of the darkest shall wane in his 50th year” Claims Nostradamus text.”

In 1555, a French Renaissance occultist and seer, the famous Nostradamus predicted:

Quatrain CXXV

‘In the year of our Lord 2009, will come a dark moon over the pale face of a black man called Son of Jack, he would unite with a tender virgin of royal birth and be born three, but not from the daughter of Elvin the Prestlee, a Lydian leader of fame, from this union will result a whirlwind in great places. Many will rant and tear upon their breast. Lamentations of death in his 50th year will be heard in great places. Thunder shall peal in caverns and yost. The moon shall walk across the skies until dawn.’

French scholars have translated the text and have ruled upon its meaning and the effect it will have on American culture. The translation confirms that Nostradamus predicted the marriage to Elvis’ daughter, the birth of three children, and the untimely death of Michael Jackson…. five centuries ago!

Digging paid off when an obscure reporter did a little research using ancient texts, a computer, and a little of putting two and two together! The research was the basis of a recent ’60 Minute’ show where the Quatrain was explained.

Jackson family members were reportedly very angry when they heard the revelations on the TV show ’60 Minutes’, which aired the Nostradamus segment on Sunday night.

Late night pundits used the ancient text to solidify the connection between Jackson and his one-time father-in-law, the late Elvis Presley. They now confirm that after Jackson’s death recent revelations have surfaced where Elvis and Jackson were seen in the same place at the same time, often alone with each other.

When interviewed by reporters, angry Jackson family members had this to say, “We’ll make a prediction ourselves! We predict when I find that French twangy-voiced, viagra dropping snit we’re gonna do an mad-assed bitch on his old geezer ass!”

A Sixty Minutes spokesman declined comment and refused to disclose the location of the ‘hidden Jackson Quatrain’.

“All we can say is, Morely Safer has decided to take some time off do to exhaustion. He wishes his location to be private and has asked that there be no threats to Mr. Nostradamus.”

Matthews might be off centered the last few days, but we expect the usual pompass fool to be back in stride once Obama pats his bald empty head.

MSNBC Land – (SatireWorld.com)

It’s OK Chris, the tingle loss won’t last. Most everyone knows MSNBC anchor Chris Matthews is in love with President Barack Obama and his recent outburst has surprised many.

This isn’t about a a man-crush, some homosexual thing, or even partisan worship. What Matthews feels is way beyond that. The “Hardball” anchor is deeply in love with the President. It’s not a sexual thing, but it is romantic and unrequited.
How else to explain Tweety McTingles’ erratic and ongoing emotional tingle-osity:

President Obama “obviously likes giving speeches more than he does running the executive branch,” Chris Matthews said last night.

Now, it isn’t as if legions of conservatives haven’t said a similar thing about the impression they’ve gotten from President Obama, but for once maybe McTingles has had a moment of clarity.

We all recall that famous moment when the MSNBC host who said on the air in 2008 he felt a “thrill going up my leg” after hearing Obama speak has now grown disenchanted. Last night’s episode of Hardball saw Matthews delivering a rare, unforgiving grilling of the president as severe as anything that might appear on…oh my horrors…Fox News!

So, the question is…Is Charlie Brown look-a-like Chris Matthews now a racist?

Meanwhile Rev. Al Sharpton, the biggest race baiter since Jessie Jackson, hearing Bond’s angst and knowing he was still pretty hungry invited him over to try his new line of cereal ‘ghett-O’s. Bond declined and had ham biscuit at Popeyes instead.

Julian Bond, former Chairman of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), said during an MSNBC TV interview that it’s only right and just that the federal government and the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) target tea party groups. He added Tea party groups are, after all, “overtly racist” and the “Taliban wing of American politics.”

President Obama invited Mr. Bond to meet with a number of Tea Party leaders and discuss their differences over lunch at the White House. The president also asked Vice President Joe Biden, White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, Senior Advisor to the President Valerie Jarrett and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to attend.

The president received a message via an aide that the Tea Party leaders would be late, as they were stuck in downtown traffic. The president suggested the group order lunch while waiting and not being particularly hungry only ordered a white wine and a piece of Black Forrest cake. The vice president asked for black bean soup, Ms. Jarrett requested white turkey chili, Mr. McDonough ordered a pulled pork sandwich on black bread, and Mr. Carney ordered a pastrami sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise.

Mr. Bond declined to order lunch and hastily left the room, muttering something about being mocked!

New York’s own Mayor Michael Bloomberg is happy he brought his own rolling paper…The Mayor is in Caracas winding up a 3-day Latino Mayor’s Conference

First milk, butter, coffee and cornmeal ran short. Now Venezuela is running out of the most basic of necessities – toilet paper!

Taking a page from Barack Obama, officials are blaming political opponents for the shortfall, as it ordered 50 million rolls to boost supplies. That was little comfort to consumers struggling to find toilet paper on Wednesday.

“This is the last straw,” said Manuel Fagundes, a shopper hunting for tissue in Caracas. “I’m 71 years old and this is the first time I’ve seen this.”

One supermarket visited by the Associated Press in the capital on Wednesday was out of toilet paper. Another had just received a fresh batch, and it quickly filled up with shoppers as the word spread. Profiteers are selling rolls for the equivilent of $5.00 US per roll on shady street corner vendor carts. Business is brisk too!

“I haven’t wiped my ass in two weeks and I’ve been looking for it for two weeks,” said Cristina Ramos. “I was told that they had some here and now I’m in line.” Ramos also said her husband is upset and now sleeps in the garage because of the unsanitary conditions in the bedroom.

Economists say Venezuela’s shortages stem from price controls meant to make basic goods available to the poorest parts of society and the government’s controls on foreign currency. “Last year is was plastic grocery bags! Says Rosa Rodriguez, a 51 year old mother of 9 who had to juggle items up to her 6th floor co-op building.

“State-controlled prices – prices that are set below market-clearing price – always result in shortages. The shortage problem will only get worse, as it did over the years in the Soviet Union,” said Steve Hanke, professor of economics at Johns Hopkins University.

President Nicolás Maduro, who was selected by the dying Hugo Chávez to carry on his “Bolivarian revolution”, claims that anti-government forces, including the private sector, are causing the shortages in an effort to destabilise the country. “It is a capitalist conspiracy against us,” he added.

The government this week announced it also would import 760,000 tons of food in addition to the 50 million rolls of toilet paper.

Commerce minister Alejandro Fleming blamed the shortage of toilet tissue on “excessive demand” built up as a result of “a Yankee media campaign that has been generated to disrupt the country”.

“The revolution will bring the country the equivalent of 50 million rolls of toilet paper,” he was quoted as saying Tuesday by state news agency AVN. “We are going to saturate the market so that our people calm down and have a chance to properly wipe their asses.”

Finance minister Nelson Merentes said the government was also addressing the lack of foreign currency, which has resulted in the suspension of foreign supplies of raw materials, equipment and spare parts to Venezuelan companies, disrupting their toilet paper production production. Merentes candidly told reporters that the home-grown alternative to imported toilet hasn’t sold well since it’s manufactured from Ordiz, a plant that resembles cactus.

“We are making progress removing even the tinest thorns…we have to work very hard,” Merentes told reporters on Wednesday.

Anointed by Chávez as his successor before the president died from cancer, Maduro won a close presidential election on 14 April against opposition candidate Henrique Capriles, who refused to accept the result, claiming Maduro won through fraud…voter intimidation, and giving away free toilet paper imported from Cuba.

He filed a complaint to the supreme court, asking for the vote to be annulled, though that’s highly unlikely to happen since the court is packed with government-friendly justices.

Patience is wearing thin among consumers who face shortages and long queues at supermarkets and pharmacies. Last month, Venezuela’s scarcity index reached its highest level since 2009, while the 12-month inflation rate has risen to nearly 30%. Shoppers often spend several days looking for basic items, and stock up when they find them.

Fleming said monthly consumption of toilet paper was normally 125 million rolls, but that current demand “leads us to think that 40 million more are required”.

“We will bring in 50 million rolls to show those groups that they won’t make us bow down,” he said.

Fabric manufacturing in Caracas has shown a decline as thread is in short supply for weaving looms with the biggest consumer shortages showing up in the towel and drape sectors. According to Hotel and Motel Lodging Commissioner Hector Garcia, “the current toilet paper shortage is affecting towel and drapery damage issues in most of Caracas’ major hotels.”

Personally, if I had to live there I’d tell the muslims to pound salt!

A local council in the U.K. just voted down the nation’s flag of St. George allegedly due to the fact that its link to the Crusades might offend the town’s 16 Muslim residents.

The Telegraph reportes that university lecturer Eleanor Jackson said the iconic red and white symbol could cause upset in in the town of Radstock, Somerset, because it was used 1,000 years ago during the Christian Crusades.

The council met to determine the fate of the flag, which flew atop the town’s civic flagpole.

“My big problem is that it is offensive to some Muslims, but even more so that it has been hijacked by the far right,” Jackson said.

“My thoughts are we ought to drop it for 20 years.”

The Telegraph provides background:

Radstock Town Council, which serves a local population of more than 5,600 residents, eventually decided to purchase a Union flag to fly on Armistice Day.

The rainbow flag of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender pride movement will be flown at “appropriate” times of the year while an In Bloom flag will celebrate the town’s achievements in the gardening competition.

The objections raised about the flag of St George were branded “oversensitive” by the local Muslim community while the Muslim Council of Britain said England’s patron saint should not be associated with “any hatred of Muslims”.

But some British Muslims do not agree with the decision to remove the flag of St. George.

Spokeswoman Nasima Begum said, “St. George needs to take his rightful place as a national symbol of inclusivity rather than a symbol of hatred.”

Rizwan Ahmed, spokesman for the Bristol Muslim Cultural Society even noted that she believes the decision is political correctness run amok.

“I think they are going a bit far here … It is political correctness going a bit too far,” she said.

“Use by the far right is one thing, but to say that Muslims are offended I don’t think is correct. We understand the flag is part of this country’s heritage, and in fact many many Muslims will identify as being British themselves.”

While council chair Lesley Mansell insisted that Jackson’s objection to the flag ”was not really taken into consideration,” they have opted to fly the Union flag instead.

EDITORS NOTE: We at SatireWorld feel their pain and we’ll be sending a large Confederate flag just so the freaking muslim don’t soil their underwear. ( Do muslims wear underwear?)