Mr. Turdblossom..."I've enclosed a photo of my sister. I still can't see how she got into a California nursing college with a 1.9 GPA! She even got herself a full scholarship too!"

My sister has done gone California tree hugging Vegan weirdo on us.

Last week, she tried to say that microwaves ruin the DNA of water.  I didn’t think water had any DNA unless there was critters in it.

She also said that seedless grapes are bad for you and that only grapes with seeds had any nutritional value.

This woman is studying at some Fruity Flakes Community College to be a nutritionist at a hospital.  The way her kids don’t ever get to eat nothing, I’m pretty sure that the hospital will have patients dropping like flies from starvation if they hire her.

I think she’s gone nucking futs.  What should I do?

Hal A. Peno  Orogrande, New Mexico

Dear Hal,

I’d make sure that she gets a job in some touchy-feely hospital in Liberal Land.  If she manages to kill off a few of them Hanoi Jane fan voters, it’ll help in the next general election.

TPT

Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  I met a woman yesterday that said she had three dogs.  I found out that they were chihuahuas.  If’n she thinks a chihuahua is a dog, then seeing a man with a teeny weinie probably impresses her too.

Kukula, Fran, and Barney were a big hit with fellow cruisers when the almost ex-congressman did the chicken dance in his speedo on the poop deck.

Retiring congressman Barney Frank, (D,Gay, MA) was honored in the White House today as President Obama, the First Gay President, named Frank to grab the joy stick of the DNC signature new gay cruiser, “Bottoms Up.”

It seems the President was doing more than ‘evolving’ as he leveraged his declaration in favor of Gay Marriage during the past three years of finding his inner self in preparing a new marketing ploy to raise more money ‘than even those Jews in California and New York,” according to Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

Shortly after the staged interview where he came out of the closet, the Presidential website introduced a whole line of Obama Gay souvenirs and memorabilia including an Obama 69 game jersey,
Pink Air Jordan’s, a line of Debbie Wasserman Schultz fright wigs produced by Raquel Welsh, and PMS pills backed by Richard Simmons.

In behind the scenes maneuvering involving threats, intimidation , an IRS audit and a proposed discrimination suit headed by AG Eric Holder, the White House announced they would be taking over
the sinking Italian cruise line Costa. The line, which has suffered a spate of self inflicted wounds including the Costa Concordia which tipped over and couldn’t get up, an engine room fire, and the loss of power in ‘a few’ of their remaining fleet, had been turned down by the IMF, World Bank and even JP Morgan for an infusion of new funds to keep themselves afloat.

Obama, tapping the Department of Energy funds, said “I made them a deal they couldn’t refuse” in announcing the acquisition.

The DNC said they had to put on 2500 new ‘bag boys’ to keep up with the cash flow pouring in since Obama’s hysterical (sic) proclamation backing his Gay Marriage edict. Said DWS, “this is simply brilliant…our own gay cruise line! We even expect to make a profit someday in order to pay back the taxpayer…it’s a win, win deal for everyone who ever wanted to cruise but was afraid to come out of the closet!”

Admiral Frank said that he was still ‘stunned’ over his appointment but was ready to take charge and make sure the inaugural cruise was ‘even bigger, better, and gayer than Rosie’s!”

He said as the Admiral, he would be marrying himself on the cruise to his long time partner late this summer, and announced he would be performing a mass marriage ceremony on the poop deck for any
of the passengers who wanted to join the nuptials.

A spokesman for “Bottoms Up” said there would be a plethora of gay themed entertainment including the entire cast from Provincetown’s female impersonator theater “The Oar House,” featuring lead diva ‘Musty Chiffon’ and her back up dancers “The Altar Boys.”

Word is the cruise, scheduled to circle the Bahamas for 7 days and 7 nights and leaving from Key West is already overbooked, with a waiting list of thousands of Manchester United fans distraught after being ‘sorted’ by arch rival Manchester City in some kind of ‘gay football foolishness’ over across the pond.

In addition Frank announced that the cruise will be ‘clothing optional’ but that a pair of Speedo shorts are recommended for ‘formal night’ in order to prevent ‘possible misunderstandings
during the long line leading into all you can eat buffet featuring a variety of finger foods including ‘Pigs in a Blanket’, ‘Toad in the Hole”, “Spotted Dick’ and “Cheeze Whizz’ for dipping.

Bargis Tryhol, known for being the man with the world’s biggest penis, said he would not be on hand to help judge contestants for Mr. Massachusetts, Mr. Fire Island, Mr. San Francisco, or Mr. Manchester forcing the line to go with it’s second choice, Vice President Joe Biden.

Said Bargis, “Well, that’s certainly no big F****g deal…he certainly knows how to tell a dork when he sees one!”

Lady Ga Ga has been honored with the christening ceremony where she’ll break a bottle of pink champagne over the stern prior to ‘sail away’ as the boys in the band lead the group in a Doors
favorite:

Come on buddy, light my fire
Come on buddy, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire, yeah

The time to hesitate is through
Now that Barry’s opened the door
This can only lead to more ‘n more
No time to wallow in the mire
Your cheeks are causing my mounting desire
And Aids will become our funeral pyre

(all join hands and hum the chorus)

Barry Obama Hmmmm, Hmmmm, Hmmmm

'Chaz' Bono spent several hundred thousand dollars to to fulfill the fantasy of looking like a semi truck driver and without the hassle of parking it at Moma Cher's house.

Singer, actress, and Hollywood personality Cher is upset that her daughter/son Chasity/Chaz Bono left the seat up whe he/she came to visit Mom on Mother’s Day. The entertainer admits to sitting down “farther than I anticipated” and getting her bottom more than a little soaked.

“Does he/she think I raised him/her in a barn? Has he/she already forgotten what we do with the toilet seat in my home?”

“I can understand that he/she hasn’t gotten his/her aim down yet, because Sonny never could do that right either, but this is just fundamental common courtesy!”

Chaz/Chastity could not be reached for the comment as the recet sex change operation patient was busy learn how to properly belch, scratch his/her ass, and execute the “pull my finger” routine.

Elizabeth Warren describes to reporters how much of her clitoris she'd like to have removed moments before a reporter asked if it's removal would allow her to swallow better.

Civil libertarians have questioned the recent Obama Administration’s support of a provision in Obamacare where large medical convoys organized by the Democratic party wander through rural America performing free medical examinations and procedures on people, including female circumcision, or female genital mutilation, in violation of US law, conventions and treaties signed by the US.

In an effort to promote complete control over a woman’s vagina HHS doctors try to convince poor, rural families of young girls about the need to agree to circumcise their daughters, “as a matter of preserving chastity.”

According to HHS physician Morris Klein, “If we can prevent pre-marital sexual relations we can curb the rising rates of teenage pregnancy and therefore cut back of all social services in the future.

This past Sunday, Massachucetts senate hopeful, Elizabeth Warren held a meeting with the governor of Masachucetts to discuss the mechanisms of organizing awareness campaigns and seminars for women in the governorate, on how to address and support female genital mutilation, “which is being carried out by the HHS in the state.”

According to Warren, she described her own clitoris as the ‘root of her longtime sexual distress,’ and wished she had it burned off years ago in her quest to become more like an Indian brave versus just a plain ordinary looking squaw woman. In a recent interview, reporters asked Warren how much she’d have removed if she allowed an HHS doctor to remove her clitoris. She held up her fingers showing approximantely three inches.

Backlash groups across America are beginning to protest and are becoming more mainstream in accepatnce by the media as they question the practice of female mutilation. One group in question ‘Save Our Cunts,’ which in recnt weeks have stage protests sit-ins in large urban centers including New York and Washington.

Gay muslims everywhere applauded Obama's 'coming out.'

Within days of announcing his support for gay marriage, Barack Obama has planned to attend almost 75 homosexual related campaign dinners in various parts of Chicago, Los Angeles, Miami, and New York. Dubbed the First’Gay’President, Obama announced to homosexual leaders how he…”Wants to feel their pain!”

Homo leader Davis Berry decided to take Obama up on his desire and publically offered to ‘cornhole the President’ on national TV in order to raise re-election funds from fellow gay New Yorkers. The pay per view event would be broadcast from Madison Square Garden and shown on cable TV.

Says Berry, “I’ll give Barry a real taste of being my bitch. No vaseline or K-Y, just a burning hunk of man-meat to satisfy his gay cravings.”

In Washington, Michelle Obama commented that, “Barry always did have an itch he couldn’t scratch.”

Meanwhile, overseas in thne Middle East….Previously, the underground muslim gay community applauded Obama as being the first gay president and honored him at a recent clandestine all male Hide the Sausage party in suburban Damascus.

California's Governor Moonbeam....aka Jerry Brown can't remember how a $9 Billion budget shortfall multiplied overnight into $16 Billion of added state debt...."Must be like those rabbit thingies!"

Bogota, Columbia – (SatireWorld.com)

Reports out of Bogota, Columbia, now affirm that the social and financial morass rampant around the globe was not the fault of George Bush After all!

Politicians around the globe now claim a previously unreported drug, Scopolamine, was responsible for their acts of omission, co-mission and nocturnal emissions which landed them, and the rest of us, in a pile of deep doggy doo doo!

According to a laboratory report out of the University of California, Berkley (NPI), the drug, from the prevalent Borrachero tree has strange powers rendering those subject to its affect ‘basically helpless, compliant, and willing to do anything with while not remember a thing!”

California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown, soon after announcing the state’s $16B deficit took to his tree house and now claims, “I forget how to get down!”

Commenting on the lab disclosure former PM Gordon Brown said quizzically, “Missing Gold…what gold…certainly not on my watch!”

Sally Bercow, a devoted follower and practitioner of designer drugs before they are outlawed said, “Honestly, all I remember is one minute I was naked in a sheet, and the next I followed some gypsy to his home…the rest is all a blank to me…was I really on the Telly! OMG, don’t tell the Dwarf!”

Nick Clegg and Dave Cameron in a joint conference on BBC said “Frankly, for the life us us we can’t remember why we decided to get together!”

Ed Milliband was quoted as saying to the Guardian, “Get off Mate…I don’t remember having a brother!”

The powerful substance, ground into powder, can be held in the palm of the hand, and then blown into the nostrils of an unsuspecting victim. Reports say that within a millisecond the victim can be led into emptying their bank accounts, bringing a crook home to show them where the family jewels are, and dropping their knickers for a quick shag…all without having a memory of anything untoward.

‘Spy inna Bag” Gareth Williams was said to have been working on tracing the drugs origins when he was ‘snuffed and stuffed’ leaving many unanswered questions concerning his death, Gareth himself said he didn’t remember a thing after being zipped up.

Rebekuh Brooks, commenting to Piers Morgan about the recent UK phone hacking scandal, said, ‘Honestly, I can’t even remember who I talked to yesterday…does it matter? LOL!”

Attorney General Eric Holder says he doesn’t remember being briefed about ‘Fast and Furious,”
the GAO exec filmed in a Las Vegas hot tub during a $800K taxpayer junket that has taken the ‘fifth’ saying it wasn’t his fault and certainly can’t remember any of the details.

Timothy Geithner, Charlie Wrangle (sic), Al Sharpton and 400,000 government employees say they ‘just forgot to file’ their taxes, and Dominique Strauss-Kahn said last week after the French election, “I honestly can’t remember the last time I had sex,” prompting Tiger Woods to echo, “me either,” even after they watched video’s to prompt their memories.

President Obama, facing a tough re election in November, has said to be going bat shit trying to get enough of the powder in time for November. As he told Michelle, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz, ‘this shit will be better than blowing smoke up their arse…you folks better get ready to BLOW!”

Scientologists to the core, Tom and John invite often each other over for weenie roasts..."It's better between the buns though," claims Travolta.

Turmoil in the dark halls and secret closets of Scientology today after it was disclosed that two of the cult’s biggest stars , “Tiny Tom” Cruise, and “Big John” Travolta experienced a great deal
of “friction” in their long running relationship with the mysterious group and each other.

The relationship, long hidden behind closed doors, emerged in the open recently as the perfect storm formed over Hollywood with the convergence of President Obama’s ‘Evolution’ supporting Gay Marriage, and multiple charges that the former Saturday Night Fever star was suffering from ‘Al Gore Syndrome” involving alleged contractual arrangements with free lance masseurs, albeit seeming backwards in the Travolta case.

At least two, “and possibly hundreds” of claims of inappropriate advances on the part of Travolta, according to the attorney for “John Dork 1″ and “John Dork 2″, now threaten the carefully protected image of the big time star.

According to Hollywood insiders, Travolta’s penchant for diversity has been known for years, prompting Carey Fisher a few years ago to say, ” Everyone knows John is Gay. He should just come out of the closet and get it over with…we all love him and couldn’t care less.”

Reached by phone after Obama’s $15m fund raising “Evolution” at bachelor George Clooney’s pad, Carey said “if Barry can come out, I’m sure John will be sure to follow, especially if it’ll raise more money for the re election campaign. Washington is much, much too austere, it should be a really, really gay place where people can meet and have a good time without worrying about getting outed over of a few friendly BJ’s in the Lincoln Bedroom or under the Resolute Desk. Just look at England;Parliament is a hoot where boys will be boys and vice a versa following their multi-gender
policy which has it’s roots in those nasty old schools from their youth where they took turns doing each other as a ‘right of passage.’

Said one Brit observer tartly, “Right of passage…sounds like a big arse mess to me, and not the tunnel of love!”

Friends of John said the problem with Cruise started after the pint sized star made it big in “Top Gun” about a hot shot air force pilot, “went to his head.”

Travolta, a multi-talented pilot who is licensed to even fly a commercial multi engined jet, and even owns his own at his ‘fly in’ residential property in Florida, is said to have been incensed
about Cruise being cast in the role.

“It shoulda’ been me, ” he reportedly told Clooney during a St. Maarten clothing optional beach vacation, “they wouldn’t have needed a stunt double, I could have flown rings around them all, and they wouldn’t have had to put a pillow on the pilot’s seat, either!”

Flight instructors close to Travolta have claimed “he’s a natural…he can fly by the seat of his pants and needed hardly any training.”

One instructor, identified only as Bruce said, ” during our first lesson together we went a mile high, then practiced ‘touch ‘n go’s ” for about 2 hours. We were both exhausted after the experience, but it was pretty clear to me John knew how to get it up and down safely!”

Following the revelation, Katie Holmes was said to be looking ‘even more vapid, stoned, dazed and confused than ever.”

More as the story Evolves.

An early photo of Elizabeth 'Shack-Nasty' Warren seated in her wig wam in Charlestown. According to friends, Shack Nasty wove blankets and dealt in trinkets for odd sexual favors. Her customers included Edward ' Chief Thunder Bowels' Kennedy who often played cowboys and indians inside her wig wam until the wee hours of the morning.

Embattled Senate Candidate Elizabeth Warren, still digging her own grave concerning her alleged Native American roots, doubled down over Scotland Yards new ‘sensitivity policy’ requiring that the terms ‘Black List” and ‘White List’ be struck down in order to promote racial harmony.

Said DCI Morse, forced out at the yard for his outspoken criticism over botched investigations and whistle blowing on criminal coddling, “don’t say I didn’t tell you so! Since I’ve been gone the lads have gone mad….crime is up 98% whilst arrests are down 23% in 3 months…no wonder people are afraid to write letters to the editor…chavs have even taken over the internet…BASTARDS!”

Unfortunately for the gaffe prone law enforcement agency, the decision to replace the ‘offensive’ terms with “Red List” has struck a nerve not only with Warren, but other famous and non famous
persons in the Colonies who claim they carry Native American Blood. (NAB).

Warren, who claims she is descended from Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring from the acclaimed 50′s icon show “Howdy Doody” has filed a complaint with the Human Resources Department at Harvard University where she and her husband allegedly teach and receive tenured salaries approaching $400,000 per year.

Harvard said they have forwarded the complaint directly to the Department of Justice for immediate attention by Attorney General Eric Holder who has claimed to be 1/53 Blackfoot (‘on my mother’s side”).

Holder has gone on record to proclaim that people of colour should not be singled out for a ‘Black List’ or a ‘Red List” and backs Obama in his decision not to release his donor list.

Holder further denied that his department has compiled an ‘Enemies List’ for the President leading up the the election which staffers have referred to as the “White Racist List” which includes members of the Vatican, descendants of Betsy Ross, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Dewey.

Outspoken Hollywood Indian Princess Cher, who has been vocal in her support of Warren said,” I resent being put on the ‘Red List’ by some constipated Brit! It’s an insult to my heritage, my transgender son/daughter, and most of all to the off spring of Jay Silver Heels! (Tonto to those of you in the Falklands). As for Elizabeth, of course she’s part Indian…just look at the beads she wears and those Jimmy Choo moccasins! She was also known as an ‘Indian Giver’ in college and always made a point of attending Winter Carnival at Dartmouth with all those other sex starved Indians!”

Many in Hollywood claim NA ancestry, although not all claims have been verified. According to reports Red Skin Nation counts Burt Reynolds, Sean Penn, Anthony Quinn, Della Reece,James Earl Jones, Sly Stallone, Quentin Tarantino, and Richard Simmons amongst their tribe.

Said Hiram Weinstein, who’s Indian name is ‘He who counts wampum”, treasurer at the Foxwoods Casino in Massachusetts, “hey…no big deal…they can put me on any list they want..business is good, and I don’t really care much about that stuff, them Brits are all meshugana if you axe me!”

Equalities Minister Lynne FEATHERweight (sic), busy fighting the right of Christian workers to wear a cross around their neck in England, or display a symbol of Christianity in white vans or their cab, could not be reached for comment as she was pleading her case before the council of human rights somewhere in Brussels.

Said a spokesman for the Liberal Minister, “we’re not saying they can’t wear a cross, just that they have to hide it from view by wearing a burka or hoodie like other civilized Britons..same goes for sharks tooth and bear claw necklaces and of course scalps.”

A spokesman for the EU said that if Christians don’t comply they could be stoned to death, or worse, lose their jobs.

Barney Frank hopes Joe Biden catches his garter at the wedding reception...."Feeling his manly hands on my hairy thigh would send shivers up my spine, " Said Frank as he sat for a waxing and pedicure.

The Canadian government admitted today that they are stumped over how to classify an influx of EU citizens flooding the country over fears of unrest, anarchy, crimes against nature, sodomy,
football (soccer) riots, high taxes, not to mention political correctness and ‘uman rights!

Whilst a government study group has been put together to solve the riddle, a study that will’ take months if not years, according to officials, in the meantime the Passport Ministry has decided to temporarily classify all those dazed and confused with an “X” in their gender preference box (NPI).

“Some are in between gender changes, we call them ‘transitional’, some are delusional and want to have it both ways, and many are attracted to the same sex, although they claim ‘not in a gay way’
said a noted sex therapist.

“I can’t quite put me finger onnit, ” said famous proctologist, sociologist and therapist Sir Victor Nicholas, “but most of these seeking asylum seem really confused about their sexual makeup…even if they’re sporting the usual tackle and are keen on football.

Immigration officials said that despite long interviews and detailed psychological profiles, most of the desperate seekers ‘don’t know if they’re really coming or going…I think it’s a tribal thing, and of course the relaxation of gender identification in Parliament and all over the EU is just adding to their confusion” said Immigration Minister Percy Whistlewaite.

The minister mostly blamed the red tops in the UK for perpetuating the image of the amorphous Brit PM, cabinet minister, distant interbred Royals far from the throne and cross dressing MI6 agents charged with protecting the realm.

“The drinking problem probably has something to do with it too,” said the minister,’ when you get drunk and fall down with your shorts or knickers down about your ankles, you’re likely to get
F****d by most anybody with an urge, any port in a story, eh?”

A spokesman for the National Lampoon said from the Colonies, “it’s even got worse and is now infecting the previously straight world of satire. One can find woman writing as men, and men writing as women…I think they’re really, really, confused across the pond!”

Vice President Joe Biden, addressing an audience of visiting fisherman from Newfoundland studying democracy and the future of whaling said famously,”What’s the Big F****g deal….it all comes down to whether you have a C***k or a C***t..how you decide to use it, well, that’s up to the government to decide and I’m sure the Canadian government will come up with the right decision.”

President Obama said he is still ‘evolving’ on his opinion of gender identification saying “some of my best friends are amorphous…they can dribble, but they can’t shoot and I’m not sure Gay marriage will be recognized by the Quran if they can’t consummate it. I’ll be more flexible to discuss this after the election and I evolve a bit more.”

Retiring US congressman Barney Frank, said to be set to marry his latest partner, “give the government some credit. The Canadian Parliament is just as smart as our Congress…most of the time when a tough decision is required and ‘Given the complexity of the gender questions that elected officals must now manage, seat-of-the-pants-decision-making sneaks in where rational solutions fail. My best advice to Canadians is just to keep their thumb onnit, it’ll all come out in the end, eh!”

The Spoof's owner, Mark Lowton, has his head so far up his ass, that when he hiccups his tonsils vibrate.

After readership has gone up and down more times than Oprah’s dress size, the once popular British website, ‘the Spoof’ has nosedived in reader popularity in recent months…In fact, it readership has dipped an astounding 8% this month alone!

Citing facts of a three-month decline of 23%, scores of talented writers have simply stopped adding new stories and have avoided the once popular forums all together.

Says one ex-writer, who wishes to ne anonymous, “With story headlines as mundane as ‘Turkey farm constructs new fence,’ one can only wonder which dimwit author thought that an attention grabbing headline!”

Even the once popular Reader Forums have declined significantly over the past year or so where writer contributions to sections like ‘Dear Spoof’ are tendered by the same four of five people day after day. So, how does one really spell B-O-R-I-N-G?

Once madly popular writers for the site have either been banned from the site for too much creativity, moved on to other sites, or stopped writing all together. Others merely point to current editorial personnel as the source of the ridicuously boring site where demographics show the highest readership is between the ages of 18-24 with no college education.

Late night contributions by loyal writers show a darker side of the once humorous satire site…Substance abuse! In an effort to placate the need for after-hours companionship, many of the writers appear to be under the influence of intoxicants as they add mumbo-jumbo comments to the otherwise boring forum sections in an effort to appear witty and hip, but their otherwise sad efforts belies the site’s main problem…The editorial staff’s rigorous censorship policies and timid response to actual spoofing.

We’ll keep you posted about the sites gradual spiral into oblivion and the outcome of its demise.

Hmmmmmm blue balls?

SPARTANBURG, S.C. — A South Carolina man was released from jail Monday after being held overnight for an arrest that was sparked by the fake testicles displayed on the back of his truck.

Joe ‘Boogers’ Bradshaw 31, was driving Sunday evening in Spartanburg when he was stopped by a sheriff’s deputy who noticed an “obscene object” hanging from the truck’s rear bumper.

An arrest report obtained by the website The Smoking Gun described the object as “a pair of large fleshy testicles” that were “flesh colored, anatomically correct, approximately the size of a softball, and in clear view of the public.”

The novelty item is called “TruckNutz” by the company that sells it.

The deputy pulled Bradshaw over and told him the reason for the stop was “the large testicles,” according to the report.

The deputy, Johnnie Lee Colburn, 34, described them as…”Swinging in the breeze and jiggling along just as plain as day!”

Bradshaw removed the TruckNutz from his bumper and admitted to the deputy that he did not have a valid driver’s license.

He was arrested and held in jail on $237.50 bond for driving without a license. The deputy also issued a warning citation for obscene display.

Bradshaw says he won’t be hanging his gonads on the truck bumper anymore, but will stuff them down his bluejeans when he goes to Marty’s Countyline Bar next Tuesday when it’s girl’s night two-fers.

At a recent 'Tarzan 3-D' screening, several front row patrons had to be given medical treatment after a close-up had Tarzan swinging out toward the audience. His pendulous 'Johnson' flopped out in 3-D so realistically, several viewers ducked hitting their heads.

The latest sign of the end of human civilization on this planet:

They are making another Tarzan movie. The bad part is that Tarzan will be played by one of the “sparkly” vampires from Twilight (in other words… a pretty boy). I seriously doubt that he will have a scratch or scar on his perfectly sculpted, California beach body while wearing his loincloth, even though Tarzan grew up among animals in the jungle and has huge scars from a battle where he was almost killed by a great ape.  His hair will probably also be perfectly cut and styled and he will probably be clean shaven, even though Tarzan has never seen a hairdresser or owned a Norelco razor.

It gets worse.

The movie will be filmed 100% in motion capture animation (like they used for Golumn in LOTR and for the apes in last year’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and it will be in 3D.

It gets worse.

Jane will be an environmentalist/conservationist who is trying to save Africa.

It gets worse.

Tarzan and Jane are being pursued by “Greystoke Industries,” which is responsible for the plane crash that killed his parents. (In the books, Tarzan is heir to the Title of Lord Greystoke in England. His parents were marooned in a shipwreck off the coast of Africa).

It gets worse.

They are trying to have this film, which is currently only in preproduction, ready for a release in 2012.

I don’t believe that I am planning on seeing this one.

William Allen  Wichita, Kansas

Dear William,

I think you got that one right.  A Disney cartoon that don’t follow the real story is one thing, but them Hollywood folks need to know that when they mess with a classic, they are messing with folks!

Watching “Mirror, Mirror” last week and their version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was pretty bad, but this sounds worse.

What else are they going to do?  Have “Boy” and “Girl?”  Make Cheetah into a peek-a-poo?  Have Jane do the Tarzan yell?  Have Tarzan wear a Designer Loincloth?  Be politically correct and try to make Tarzan a black moslem?  Dumbasses!

I’m already planning to pull out my old Johnny Weismuller dvds and watching some real vine swinging!

TPT

Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  The wife brought home a taco pizza for dinner tonight.  A combination of two of my favorite foods sounds great, but it don’t measure up to either of its names.  Even the dog wouldn’t eat the leftovers.

" you know, I invented that gull-darn internet and never got a dime! I invented intercourse too, and all I got was the dirty end of the stick."

Former United States Vice President and Internet inventor Al Gore filed a lawsuit today in Federal Court against Facebook. Gore claims that the social networking giant, which was recently valued at $95 billion, has never paid him the 2% royalty that he should be receiving.

A check of the financial records of the Tennessee Senator and would be filmmaker reveals that no one has ever paid him any royalty money for his “invention” of the internet. When asked about why he is going after Facebook now, when he has never sought any other royalty payments from any other company or individual that uses the service, Gore said:

“I was willing to let Joe the Plumber and the average American use my service for free. I know that it made their lives easier and I was happy to contribute to this in some small way. When I see, however, that a huge company like Facebook is making billions off of my invention and is running other companies out of business and attempting to take over all social networking and many sites on the internet, I just have to step in and do something!”

Gore has decided that a 2% royalty will be sufficient for the first payment. “I have deprived my children of the luxuries of life long enough. With this money, I might be able to purchase clothes that don’t come from Walmart and stop feeding them the government cheese.”

“If I had this money in my bank account back in 2000, I might have been able to buy the election like Barack Obama did in 2008. No one would have ever had to hear about hanging chads.”

He also stated that he will investigate whether or not he should pursue royalty requests from Amazon, AOL, Microsoft, E-Bay, and other internet giants.

In a related story, when President Obama heard that Facebook was valued at $95 billion dollars, he said “that’s more money than even I can waste in an hour!”

After the election results were tallied, experts were truly amazed that dwarf tossing was still alive and well in France!

Following France’s Presidential election one thing is most certainly clear; the European Union is doomed, and what’s left of the bankrupt fragile coalition will most certainly go down in flames as riots erupt across the continent this summer.

The only thing that would have been more absurd in the election was if DSK hadn’t been caught with his rampant member standing at attention in any number of posh hotels, sex parties, and houses of high class prostitution reportedly ‘doing it’ six times a night! Must be something in those escargot, eh?

Former President Nicholas Sarkozy and his italian heiress and pop singer wife, became hated for their arrogant ways (hey, he at least is French what’s the big F****g deal?) leading the electorate to dub him President ‘Bling Bling’ with delusions of being the French version of Obama with his new plane fitted with special ovens for fresh baguettes, soundproof master bedroom doors, and its own snail garden.

Sarkozy was so broke before he was elected, he had to sell his house to pay off his previous two wives, and move into Carla Bruni’s pair of million dollar piles. It was said he was so self conscious about his diminutive height, he ordered the ceilings and doorways lowered to boost his self confidence and wouldn’t employ any house staff over 4’11″ which limited recruitment to pygmies from Papua New Guinea which at least made them half Italian (NPI) and kept Carla happy.

Francois Hollande described as being comfortable living in his shell of mediocracy, had earlier stepped down from his leadership in the Socialist Party, but after the fall of DSK, who was ticketed to be the next President until he was caught with his pants down around his ankles, took up the torch of left wing anarchists screaming from the ramparts “Tax the Rich” whilst burning down their own stores and praising the multi cultural influx of bombers, gypsies, and strangers in sheets taking over their streets for prayer revivals, fortune telling sessions, and picking pockets.

Hollande, who left his wife of 30 years and his four children, took up with Valerie Trierweller, nicknamed the “Rottweiler” for her take no prisoner articles as a magazine journalist. Valerie will now be known as the country’s ‘First Mistress’, not bad for a 47 year old who resembles her non de plume!

Meanwhile the far right candidate Marine le Penn is biding her time for later elections hoping to garner more seats and helping her in the next election, as surely it will come sooner than later as Hollande’s policy of spending more on government, already at 56% of the economy,hiring 60,000 teachers and rebuilding the Maginot line under ‘infrastructure stimulus’ whilst easing austerity measures, will bring France, along with Greece and Spain into further chaos and certain ruin.

Speaking of Greece, chaos there as right wing Commies took elections , although not enough for a majority, but enough to put the country’s future in doubt, as no one will have the power to lead the bankrupt country out of their morass of national debt and entitlements.

Appraising the weekend’s election results, it can only be likened to the illustrious couple Tom Cruise and vapid wife Katie Holmes catering to the 6 year old Suri who has never been seen to walk on her own.

The child who reportedly has a $1m wardrobe and has ‘marvelous taste’ according to Katie, has been carried by her parents her entire short life; just points and gets what she wants, and when she doesn’t just throws a tantrum…work…not in her life time…one can only wonder what this spoiled child will demand next.

According to tabloids Suri has demanded a sibling, and is said to be ‘supervising’ as Tom and Katie try diligently to accommodate her with Tom allegedly telling his wife, “hey Honey…it would help if you would move around and at least pretend you’re awake and enjoying this…!”

President Obama wasted no time hailing France’s new leader, already arranging for a state visit for Francois and his mistress and preparing a congressional address praising him for his Tax and Spend promises as a reflection of what ‘the hope and change the peasants have been waiting for!”

From the standpoint of the France economy, reports from the UK indicate estate agents have been bombarded with requests for available high end properties and requests for asylum from France’s affluent as they prepare to evacuate the country leading Dave Cameron to address Parliament in a ringing speech saying:

“We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills and the entrance to the tunnel…. we shall never surrender to foreign interests who want to rewrite our glorious history…assisted suicide is not an option…we can manage by ourselves quite nicely, thank you very much!”

More as the Continent Goes Up in Flames.

A circa 1964 photo of Elizabeth Warren dressed as a native American while she lived in Doodyville, MA. Warren says she lived in a teepee and rode bareback. Many of the remaining male inhabitants in Doodyville claim they rode her bareback too.

Taking a page from General Custer, Mass-hole Senate wannabe Elizabeth Warren tried to circle her wagons after she was outed over her claims she was a minority Indian Maiden which afforded her special affirmative action perks during her rise to the 1%.

Warren’s congressional bid, the second such in the cluster F**** Mass-hole state, follows closely behind inept Attorney General Martha Coakley’s bid where she had her shoo-in election for Ted Kennedy’s seat derailed by Scott Brown, a republican pick up driving moderate, in the 2010 Tea Party driven tsunami.

Now Warren, a Harvard ‘professor’ who was roundly rejected by Congress in Obama’s attempt to name her the Czarina of his new power grab to head a ‘consumer protection agency’, with no congressional oversight, no doubt due to her penchant to walk around like she had a feather stuck up her arse, is seeking to oust Brown.

So far she is acting like a typical detached and out of touch Harvard liberal, claiming she was the inspiration for the OWS uprising around the country, much like Gore claiming he invented the internet and Obama claiming he was the second coming of the Messiah.

It turns out Warren was listed in legal publications for over 20 years as qualifying for ‘minority’ status due to her claim she had some 1/32 of Cherokee blood in her varicose veins, a claim still not able to be verified despite the DNC spending campaign cash to find some evidence from high priced Genealogy firms including one from Hawaii who backed Obama’s claim that he is a ‘natural born white American with a generic skin pigment defect accelerated by years of surfing.”

Whilst no official records have yet been found to exist, the clueless Warren keeps digging her grave deeper supporting her claims by saying, “see…I have high cheek (bones) just like all the rest of them there Redskins!”

Declaring herself ‘one of the 99% ” saying “I’m not wealthy,” Warren’s financial disclosure reveals over $14M (million) in net worth, NOT INCLUDING her spouse who just happens to be yet another
tenured Harvard professor, although luckily at 62 Warren’s breeding days are surely over!

While sticking up for the ‘little people’ Warren acted as defense council for a large insurance company against infected victims of asbestos poisoning with the logic of a Harvard professor saying
she ‘wanted to make sure the settlements were fair,” and this from the company’s attorney…they should sue to get their fees back!

While democratic corruption, cronyism, and catering to illegals will insure that Massachusetts will never be a Republican state, another election for Barney Frank’s seat (NPI) in congress should also be interesting.

Pulling out visions of Kennedys long dead, ginger haired Joe Kennedy III is being propped up by union thugs to be anointed to the seat. In an example of yet another cluesless liberal, young Joe put out a mandate that if elected he would ‘put an end to cheap oil’ in a state with one of the highest gasoline taxes and gas approaching $4 a gallon.

Little Joe claims he is not running on his name, but has yet to put forth any platform for his bid to Congress, and his handlers are doing their best to keep him away from public appearances less he claim he has Papal Blood dating back to 1530 in order to appeal to the Irish Catholic voting block in Southie.

Lest we forget, the little Bastard’s father arranged for an annulment from his mother thanks to a charitible contribution to the Vatican after a decade of marriage and child bearing!

Apparently Joey thinks Obama is on the right track throwing money down the toilet to cronies who have sucked up taxpayer money, gone bankrupt, and then reorganized and gone right back to the trough!

He is opposed by former Marine Sean Bielat, who gave Barney a big scare in his re election and was cited as one of the reasons the Harvard educated self acknowledged gay liberal most responsible for the liberal banking policies that caused the economic melt down has decided to call it quits.

Just goes to show, you always can tell a Harvard graduate, a Kennedy and a Mass-hole…but you can’t tell ‘em much!

"Looks to me like yer gonna git yerself a real good whupping courtesy of yer Momma and that Obama fella!"

I got me a problem in school.  I got an “F” on my spelling test and am gonna get in real trouble when my momma sees the paper.

I thought I could blame it on the Bush administration (President Obama has been doing that for over three years and everyone seems to give him a pass on it), but that one didn’t work with my teacher.

Is there any way I can keep from getting a whipping from my momma on this one?

Luther Pangloss  Beaumont, Louisiana

Dear Luther,

Go out and look at the back end of your mama’s car.  If she has one of them “Change” bumper stickers on it from four years ago, you got a chance.  If she has a fading McCain/Palin sticker, you’re in deep doodoo.

In the future, I’d suggest studying as the best solution.  I’d also suggest personal responsibility, but that isn’t a part of the Obama administration (and it looks like you are leaning that way). 

Actually, your best bet might be to ask the administration for a bail out and get some stimulus money to buy a better grade from your teacher.  They give to enough stupid causes that it just might work for you!

TPT

Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  I tried calling the 7 day a week, 24 hour emergency service plumber, but their answering machine said that they don’t work after 5:00 p.m. or on weekends.   What part of 24/7 don’t they understand?

Sensing trouble on the horizon, the British military dispatched a regiment of its finest troops to the Falklands to quell possible riots because of a severe sheep shortage.

Slightly over 5000 British Moslems, most of whom were born in the Middle East, have announced plans to relocate to the Falkland Islands. As the current population of the Falklands is less than 3200, this will give the area a new look and a new majority culture.

When asked why they were chosing to relocate, Abdul Mohammed Raghead said that “we have always enjoyed the pastoral life, though ours has often been in the desert. In the green and rolling hills of the Falkland Islands, we can find the peace and tranquility that so many men desire.”

When asked if the more than 100,000 sheep on the island was part of the reasoning for relocating, he said that “it is certainly a selling point for the island. Who needs brothels when you have flocks of ready and willing sexual partners and no money need change hands? Besides, in the rolling and green hills of the islands, it would be a great thing not to have to worry about the sand when you take a ewe out behind your tent for a tryst.”

Traditionally, the Falkland Islands have been involved in legal disputes between England and Argentina over ownership and control. Raghead said that this would not be an issue as “we could take out Argentina with a lot fewer men and at a much lower cost than most western governments.”

It should be noted that moving this many people at once to the Falklands would cause an immediate housing shortage. In comment, Raghead said that “this will be no problem for us, as we can live in tents temporarily, until we have the time to vote the current residents out of their homes and off of the island.”

Upon hearing the news that they would have 5000 potential suicide bombers within a few hundred miles of their country, Argentina surrendered. The White House reacted to the announcement by blaming the Bush administration.

Embarassed over the Bin Laden insinuations, Joe Biden still refused to release his education transcripts, citing....'I accidently left them on the short school bus I took to school."

Buried deep within a treasure trove of intelligence information gathered from the Bin Laden compound after last year’s SEAL Team 6 raid, an enticing tidbit shows the contempt Osama Bin Laden had for the American people.

A flash drive was found by investigators that was part of the courier files that Bin Laden used to communicate with his commanders throughout the world. The implicit instructions were to formulate effective planning that would eliminate the American commanding general in Afghanistan and President Obama via a missle stike on Air Firce One. But, the message cautioned Al Queada members from planning or instituting any actions against Vice President Joe Biden!

“We need him he infidel idiot,” claims Bin Laden in a pre-recorded video message to global supporters.

The message was loud and clear that Al Queada leadership felt a Joe Biden presidency would benefit their long term objectives of slowly bleeding America, especially considering that the complete lack of good common sense from Joe Biden is nearly existent.

According to further recorded discussions by top terror commanders….”Joe Biden so dumb he needs an instruction manual for his shoe laces.”

DNC chairwomen, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz defended the Vice President in a speech saying….”Well, Joe isn’t exactly the brightest and most articulate, but he’s still our Joe!”

With this stupid slogan...'Forward!' The only thing missing is Nancy Pelosi in peasant garb holding a sheaf of fresh cut wheat!

After being shown on just about all media outlets, most have heard of the Obama campaign’s new slogan…’Forward.’ Most noteworthy is the dubious scrubbing of all references to the Marxist origins of the new slogan on its Wikipedia entry. This has raised eyebrows once again about Obama’s true socialist leanings.

President Obama’s leftwing ideology and those who have served as his inspiration…from far-left radical Frank Marshall Davis to Bill Ayers and his father Tom, to Obama’s own father who served as a left-winger agitator in Kenya during the violent civil unrest of
the 1950′s.

So, the question comes uponce again…Who is Barry Obama? Are his claims backed up with firm evidence? Let’s check….

1.) Selma March Got Me Born – NOT EXACTLY, your parents felt safe enough to have you in 1961 – Selma had no effect on your birth, as Selma was in 1965.(Google ‘Obama Selma ‘ for his full March 4, 2007 speech and articles about its various untruths.) ! !

2.) Father Was A Goat Herder – NOT EXACTLY, he was a privileged,
well-educated youth, who went on to work with the Kenyan Government.

3.) Father Was A Proud Freedom Fighter – NOT EXACTLY, he was part of one of the most corrupt and violent governments Kenya has ever had.

4.) My Family Has Strong Ties To African Freedom – NOT EXACTLY; your cousin Raila Odinga has created mass violence in attempting to overturn a legitimate election in 2007, in Kenya. It is the first widespread violence in decades. The current government is pro-American but Odinga wants to overthrow it and establish Muslim Sharia law. Your half-brother, Abongo Obama, is Odinga’s follower. You interrupted your New Hampshire campaigning to speak to Odinga on the phone. Check out the following link for verification of that….and for more.

Obama’s cousin Odinga in Kenya ran for president and tried to get Sharia Muslim law in place there. When Odinga lost the elections, his followers have burned Christians’ homes and then burned men, women and children alive in a Christian church where they took shelter… Obama SUPPORTED his cousin before the election process here started. Google Obama and Odinga and see what you get. No one wants to know the truth.

5.) My Grandmother Has Always Been A Christian – NOT EXACTLY, she does her daily Salat prayers at 5 am according to her own interviews. Not to mention, Christianity wouldn’t allow her to have been one of 14 wives to 1 man.

6.) My Name is African Swahili – NOT EXACTLY, your name is Arabic and ‘Baraka’ (from which Barack came) means ‘blessed’ in that language. Hussein is also Arabic and so is Obama.

Barack Hussein Obama is not half black. He is the first Arab-American President, not the first black President. Barack Hussein Obama is 50% Caucasian from his mother’s side and 43.75% Arabic and 6.25% African Negro from his father’s side.

While Barack Hussein Obama’s father was from Kenya , his father’s family was mainly Arabs.. Barack Hussein Obama’s father was only 12.5% African Negro and 87.5% Arab (his father’s birth certificate even states he’s Arab, not African Negro).

7.) I Never Practiced Islam – NOT EXACTLY, you practiced it daily at school, where you were registered as a Muslim and kept that faith for 31 years, until your wife made you change, so you could run for office.

8.) My School In Indonesia Was Christian – NOT EXACTLY, you were registered as Muslim there and got in trouble in Koranic Studies for making faces (check your own book).

February 28, 2008. Kristoff from the New York Times: Mr. Obama
recalled the opening lines of the Arabic call to prayer, reciting them with a first-rate accent. In a remark that seemed delightfully uncalculated (it’ll give Alabama voters heart attacks), Mr. Obama described the call to prayer as ‘one of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset.’ This is just one example of what Pamela is talking about when she says ‘Obama’s narrative is being altered, enhanced and manipulated to whitewash troubling facts.’

9.) I Was Fluent In Indonesian – NOT EXACTLY, not one teacher says you could speak the language.

10.) Because I Lived In Indonesia, I Have More Foreign Experience – NOT EXACTLY, you were there from the ages of 6 to 10, and couldn’t even speak the language. What did you learn except how to study the Koran and watch cartoons?

11.) I Am Stronger On Foreign Affairs – NOT EXACTLY, except for Africa (surprise) and the Middle East (bigger surprise); you have never been anywhere else on the planet and thus have NO experience with our closest allies.

12.) I Blame My Early Drug Use On Ethnic Confusion – NOT EXACTLY, you were quite content in high school to be Barry Obama, no mention of Kenya and no mention of struggle to identify – your classmates said you were just fine

13.) An Ebony Article Moved Me To Run For Office – NOT EXACTLY, Ebony has yet to find the article you mention in your book. It doesn’t, and never did, exist.

14.) A Life Magazine Article Changed My Outlook On Life – NOT EXACTLY, Life has yet to find the article you mention in your book. It doesn’t, and never did, exist.

15.) I Won’t Run On A National Ticket In ’08 – NOT EXACTLY, despite saying, live on TV, which you would not have enough experience by then, and you are all about having experience first.

16.) Voting ‘Present’ is Common In Illinois Senate – NOT EXACTLY, they are common for YOU, but not many others have 130 NO VOTES.

17.) Oops, I Miss-voted – NOT EXACTLY, only when caught by church groups and Democrats, did you beg to change your misvote.

18.) I Was A Professor Of Law – NOT EXACTLY; you were a senior lecturer ON LEAVE.

19.) I Was A Constitutional Lawyer – NOT EXACTLY, you were a senior lecturer ON LEAVE.

20.) Without Me, There Would Be No Ethics Bill – NOT EXACTLY, you didn’t write it, introduce it, change it or create it.

21.) The Ethics Bill Was Hard To Pass – NOT EXACTLY, it took just 14 days from start to finish.

22.) I Wrote A Tough Nuclear Bill – NOT EXACTLY, your bill was rejected by your own party for its pandering and lack of all regulation – mainly because of your Nuclear donor, Exelon, from which David Axelrod came.

23.) I Have Released My State Records – NOT EXACTLY, state bills you
sponsored or voted for have yet to be released, exposing all the special interests pork hidden within.

24.) I Took On The Asbestos Altgeld Gardens Mess – NOT EXACTLY, you were part of a large group of people who remedied Altgeld Gardens. You failed to mention anyone else but yourself, in your books.

25.) My Economics Bill Will Help America – NOT EXACTLY, your 111 economic policies were just combined into a proposal which lost 99-0, and even YOU voted against your own bill.

26.) I Have Been A Bold Leader In Illinois – NOT EXACTLY, even your own supporters claim to have not seen BOLD action on your part.

27.) I Passed 26 Of My Own Bills In One Year – NOT EXACTLY, they were not YOUR bills, but rather handed to you, after their creation by a fellow Senator, to assist you in a future bid for higher office.

28.) No One on my campaign contacted Canada about NAFTA – NOT EXACTLY, the Canadian Government issued the names and a memo of the conversation your campaign had with them.

29.) I Am Tough On Terrorism – NOT EXACTLY, you missed the Iran Resolution vote on terrorism and your good friend Ali Abunimah supports the destruction of Israel.

30.) I Want All Votes To Count – NOT EXACTLY; you said let the delegates decide.

31.) I Want Americans To Decide – NOT EXACTLY, you prefer caucuses that limit the vote, confuse the voters, force a public vote, and only operate during small windows of time.

32.) I passed 900 Bills in the State Senate – NOT EXACTLY, you passed 26, most of which you didn’t write yourself.

33.) I Believe In Fairness, Not Tactics – NOT EXACTLY, you used tactics to eliminate Alice Palmer from running against you.

34.) I Don’t Take PAC Money – NOT EXACTLY, you take loads of it.

35.) I don’t Have Lobbyists – NOT EXACTLY, you have over 47 lobbyists, and counting.

36.) My Campaign Had Nothing To Do With The 1984 Ad – NOT EXACTLY, your own campaign worker made the ad on his Apple in one afternoon..

37.) I Have Always Been Against Iraq – NOT EXACTLY, you weren’t in office to vote against it AND you have voted to fund it every single time.

38.) I Have Always Supported Universal Health Care – NOT EXACTLY, your plan leaves us all to pay for the 15,000,000 who don’t have to buy it.

39.) My uncle liberated Auschwitz concentration camp – NOT EXACTLY, your mother had no brothers and the Russian army did the liberating.

So, who EXACTLY is this Obama guy and what is he trying to sell us agin in his quest for re-election????????

Since the world is Obama's stage, and another day to remind people what a hero he is...Barry the trained killer plans to show NATO heads his latest movie about killing Bin Laden in a private screening. Admission is $25,000. and benefits the DNC.

Downtown Chicago, including Lake Shore Drive, is preparing to defend itself against ugly demonstrations planned by the Taliban and OWS activists during the May 1-21 Obama/NATO Fundraiser hosted by Hussein Obama at the $1m a plate dinner to be held in the Empire Room of the famous Drake Hotel.

According to a Homeland Security Official, who agreed to talk in exchange for having his theft, rape and drug smuggling charges mitigated, said the Red Cross is working on a plan to evacuate most of the down town area in advance of the onslaught.

The FAA has issued a ‘shoot on sight’ order for any unauthorized planes flying in the area, including visiting tourists who might be para-gliding from speed boats operating on Lake Michigan during the conference which many Nato countries have said is ‘too dangerous to attend.”

Said Pierre Roquefort, a spokesman for French forces, “if you’ll note, the conference takes place over a weekend…the most dangerous time to be in Chicago if you’re a young black male, a black Irishman, or a Frenchman from Algeria.”

Pierre pointed out that it was not unusual for the President’s own city to record nearly 50 shootings in just one 48 hour period over a weekend saying, “it’s a tribal thing…it’s even worse than those idiots that Karzai’s paying to keep the war going and foreign aid flowing!”

Patriot missile batteries are being dug in along the scenic Lake Michigan Beach front property, and residents and business owners are being urged to evacuate voluntarily or face mandatory removal prior to the conference. “Anyone who stays there over the weekend is probably doomed,” said Mayor Rahm Emanuel, who himself is said to be planning to travel to Israel to ‘plant a tree for peace’ over the weekend in yet another Obama fund raising event.

Obama himself doesn’t seem too concerned, despite being dropped by his government paid home owner’s insurance carrier for ‘living in a war zone.’ Apparently, according to AG Eric Holder, about to be impeached by Congress for the Fast and Furious Coverup, ‘the president can declare an emergency and issue himself reimbursement for any damage incurred by acts of Allah noted in the policy’s fine print.”

Obama is said to be flown in by a squadron of armed Black Hawk helicopters, directly to the well fortified site, and for the first time will himself be armed with a pair of pearl handled revolvers formally worn by WWII General George Patton.

Chris Matthews, the Presidents unpaid spokesman and a talking head on CNBC was shocked when he heard the news. “OMG,” he gasped, “I hope this doesn’t mean General Obama will have a jeep accident before he has a chance to be more flexible after the election!!”University

Meanwhile, reports are circulating that a ‘crack’ team of Secret Service ‘Advance Men’ have been busy vetting the city’s working girls to check on any possible terrorist ties, putting a presidential price freeze on services for the visiting VIPs, insuring the girls will be providing clean linen and washcloths for their clients and providing free government contraception devices.

Newly appointed Slut Czar Sandra Fluke has been tasked with ensuring that the government mandated contraception program is being carried out, and has even spoken to her peers at the University of Chicago about the ‘opportunity to make some extra cash during the weekend as ‘social guides and dinner companions’ with fees as high as $800 a pop (NPI) authorized by the DNC.

Michelle Obama, in charge of the menu, told certain attendees concerned about an alien diet, ‘not to worry, no need to bring your own pet….we’ve got plenty of food to go around…!”