by Jalapenoman on 13/07/14 at 8:25 am
Off and on, for about six years, I wrote “snippets” for a different humor website. These were also easy one or two line jokes with a simple set up, followed by a punch line. Some people call these zingers or and others call them different names.
I have been gathering them together and trying to group them by subject. Here are the ones on politics (look for more collections soon on entertainment, sports, and other categories).
As you can see, I am an equal opportunity insulter. Of course, that is very easy considering that we have never had a government this corrupt and that we are about to go through 16 consecutive years of the two worst men ever to sit in the Oval Office (one incompetent, the other criminal).
If you enjoy these, fine. If you are insulted by some of these, great! Remember that all humor doesn’t work for all people (and that some jokes never work at all).
General/Federal and State Government
Congress finally reaches compromise agreement on bailout. Only 535 earmarks and riders are on the bill.
Cash for Clunkers program runs out of money in four days. Most people thought it meant that they could trade in their mother in law.
Cash for Clunkers program voted an extra two billion dollars. Unfortunately, the real clunkers are in Congress, not on the road.
The “V” remake debuts on television soon. They’re still lizards, but are not as slimy as politicians.
Food and Drug Administration Makes Recommendation. Virgin girls in Hershey’s edible undies can now be called chocolate covered cherries.
New Mexico Bans Cell Phone Use While Driving. Putting on your make-up, eating a burger, getting a blow job, and reading a map are still permitted.
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid Living Wage ….never mind that they can’t fill out an I-9 form.
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage … never mind that it is illegal to hire them in the first place.
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage ….but what if their job is in Arizona?
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage ….but what if they apply for a job with the Border Patrol?
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage. Will they throw rocks at you if you don’t?
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage. Does living wage mean higher than minimum wage?
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage. Which will be higher: the fine from the government for hiring illegal aliens or the fine for not paying them “a living wage?”
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage. Does this mean that all of the illegal Mexican maids along the border will get more than $15 a day?
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage. Do they get benefits too?
Labor Secretary Says That Undocumented Workers Must Be Paid A Living Wage. Should money be withheld for taxes?
Barack Hussein Obama (or Bollocks O’Bummer, if you prefer)
Obama, who said U.S. has 57 states, is asked to identify the extra 7. “Well, when I watch college sports, I see Boise State, East Carolina, Wichita State, Western Michigan, Weber State, Northern Arizona, and South Florida. You can’t tell me they don’t exist!”
Obama slips on “favorite Christmas carol lyrics” question by reporter, revealing Muslim heritage. Totally unfamiliar with the music, he said that his favorite song was the hymn “Allah want for Christmas is my two front teeth.”
Obama’s dying white grandmother will be supporting McCain in election. “Are you kidding! I couldn’t vote for a jungle bunny for president, even if he is family. Those spear chuckers’ would have watermelon seed spitting contests off the oval office balcony!”
A few months ago, Reverend Jeremiah Wright became famous for saying “God Damn America” from a Chicago Pulpit. With the election of church member Barrack Obama, it’s obvious that he got his wish.
White House chefs to resign at end of Bush’s term. New crew of cooks hired from local KFC to feed President Obama and family.
Obama Plans Political Change: First Mission. “I intend to change the words of the National Anthem to end with o’er the land of the free and the home of the brothers.”
Obama Plans Political Change: Second Mission. “How come we got pictures of Dead White Folks on Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills? We need to change these to Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and Louis Farrakham!”
Obama Plans Political Change: Third Mission. “I said we have 57 states, and can’t look stupid. I think we need to add Iraq, Iran, Syria, Jordan, Indonesia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Libya to our nation.”
Obama Plans Political Change: Fourth Mission. “We’ve got to stop putting crosses on the graves in our cemeteries and on our churches because it might make people think we are a Christian nation.”
Obama Plans Political Change: Fifth Mission. “I’m going to overturn California’s New Anti-Gay Marriage Constitutional Amendment, because I’ve got to give those stupid fairy faggots something for voting for me in droves.”
From heaven, Martin Luther King talks about Barack Obama election. “I done said I be havin’ dreams, but I didn’t have no nightmare about this raghead.”
Obama says “I can’t justify the expenses of the Rose Garden in these trying times.” Garden to be paved over and replaced with basketball court.
Obama announces plans to replace bird and motto on American money. Eagle is to be replaced with chicken and “E Pluribus Unum” will become “Finger Lickin’ Good.}
Obama allowed to keep his blackberry. He must, however, turn in his watermelon.
New Beanie Baby dolls made of entire Obama family. Republicans have already discovered that pushing pins in them while reciting voodoo chants doesn’t work.
George Obama, President’s Half Brother, Arrested For Drug Trafficking. American television, radio, and print media do not report story for 4 days, and then bury it on last page of newspaper (CNN blames it on Republican party).
Obama family drops offer to purchase formerly selected first dog. Barack and Michelle were afraid of the political fallout when it was discovered that the puppy had not paid taxes.
Jackson Hewitt, H & R Block, and other tax services rush to the aid of Obama appointees. IRS offers amnesty to all Cabinet appointees if they pay back taxes by February 28th.
Democratic Party to Change Name. The political party will now be known as “The American Moslem Socialist Union” after their leader, Comrade Barack (a.k.a. Sheik Obama).
Analysts think Barack Obama does okay at his first G-20 Summit (even though the other guys made fun of the first timer by taking him on a Snipe Hunt and short-sheeting his bed).
White House Dog Bo has “First Accident” on Oval Office carpet. Reporters scramble to take the first pictures and be the fastest ones to get it to their media outlets.
Barney clashes with Bo over First Pet status. “He’s re-marking my territory! I pissed on those desks and paintings first!”
Reverend Jeremiah Wright (Obama’s Favorite Pastor) Back in the News. Says “Swine Flu is a disease that the white folks bio-engineered to kill Blacks and Mexicans.”
Texas to leave United States due to Obama seeking Socialist State. Comrade Barack asks “Will this mean the Cowboys aren’t America’s team anymore?”
Texas to leave United States Due to Obama’s creation of Socialist State. OPEC invites Texas to join since they will now be a huge exporter of foreign oil to the U.S.
Texas to leave United States due to Obama’s desire for Socialist State. Will they change the name of the amusement park to “Seven Flags over Texas?”
Texas to leave United States due to Obama’s wanting Socialist state. Oprah sued again when she responds by saying “I knew that they were just a bunch of mad cows down there!”
Texas to leave United States due to Obama’s dream of Socialist State. Obama tries to mobilize military to stop secession, but most of them have emigrated and moved to Fort Bliss or Fort Hood.
Texas to leave United States due to Obama’s attempt at Socialist State. Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Arkansas, the Dakotas, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Arkansas, Kansas, Missouri, Montana, and Alaska all want to come to the party too.
Texas to leave United States due to Obama’s acts toward Socialist State. Bilingual education repealed, political correctness ends, and 2 million illegal aliens are deported to Mexico in first week (most sneak into California).
CBS Evening News Announces Schedule for Tonight’s Telecast. There will be 28 minutes of Michael Jackson stories, followed by one minute of Farrah Fawcett coverage and the obligatory one minute of kissing Obama’s ass.
Terror threat upgraded to “red” status. Obama explains that “Malia and Sasha decided that it was a good time to change colors and red goes better with today’s outfits.”
Astronomers Discover Possible Earth Like Planet in Galaxy. Even if we sent a rocket there today, when it got there on 50,000 years the media would still be glued to Obama’s ass.
Obama plans official National Michael Jackson memorial. Faces on Mount Rushmore to be replaced with Jackson, Obama, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson.
Barack Obama Meets The Pope. Asks him, “Now, you’re the Ayatollah for the Catholics, right?”
Obama gives official gifts to the Pope on Italy visit. Michelle also gave him some perfume for his wife and asked if Mrs. Pope wore a dress also.
Obama taking flack for checking out 16 year old girl’s ass in Italy. “I was really looking for a qualified babysitter if Michelle and I ever brought the girls over here.”
Al Queda Contributes Three Billion to Obama Reelection Campaign. Amount is smaller than the money they gave him for the 2008 election.
Premiere Obama Responds to Glenn Beck Calling Him A Racist. “Who let that honkey cracker on the air? Why that pasty face be talking ’bout me? Use the Patriot Act and shut his white ass down!”
Obama Uses Patriot Act Against Political Enemies. Christians will no longer be permitted to sing the hymns “God Speed the Right” or “Choose the Right.”
Obama Uses Patriot Act Against Political Enemies, #2. Children in schools will now be taught the words “smelly” and “cool” instead of, respectfully, “right” and “left.”
Obama to change “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Gays propose “Don’t Jump, Don’t Yell!”
Obama to change “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (variation #2). Straights propose “Leave the fudge packing to Ernie Keebler.”
Obama to change “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (variation #3). Naval officers suggest “My Ass Looks Swell.”
Obama to change”Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (variation #4). Protestant Chaplains suggest: “Pansy boys go to Hell!”
Obama announces Cash for Clunkers follow up program. With “Cash for Spunkers,” bring your masturbating sons, husbands, boyfriends, and grandfathers and trade them in to receive $4500.
Rumors denied about “Warehouse 13” television program. Producer says “we will not find Michael Jackson’s nose and Barack Obama’s birth certificate in upcoming episodes.”
Very small Nigerian tribe reveals that words “Barrack Obama” are in their rare tribal language. It means “incompetent smiling boob” when translated into English.
Republican wins in several states show Obama influence slipping. Administration to overturn voting results via Patriot Act and restore proper Democrats to office.
Obama looks for explanation of Republican landslide victories. ACORN was still out trick or treating
Bruce Springstein Dedicates Concert Song to President Obama. There was a lyrics change as the Boss had to sing “He Wasn’t….Born in the U.S.A.!”
House Passes Health Care Reform. Further proof that the opposite of progress is still Congress.
Titans Owner Bud Adams fined $250,000 for flipping double bird at Buffalo Bills fans. “I wonder how much they’d fine me if they knew how many times I’d flipped off Obama?”
Following fiasco of choosing Obama to win Peace Prize, Nobel Committee announces new recipients. Next year’s prize will go to Barney, the purple dinosaur, for teaching children to play nice with each other.
Obama selects the 30,000 he’s sending to Middle East: List includes Republican National Committee, Fox News Employees, and any Democrats who voted against his health care reform bills.
Obama Says 2010 Stimulus Payments to Go to Bail Out Broke Federal Reserve. President orders broke Federal Reserve to pay itself $800 billion to speed it’s economic recovery.
Obama Administration Says They Are Still Looking For His Birth Certificate. Intense, three month search determines that it isn’t in Malia’s room.
Obama Gives Presidential Order Saying “Massachusetts” Must Change State Name. “I think any state named after Massa must be racist.”
Obama Administration Upset At FoxNews (again). White House says that they shouldn’t have added laugh track to State of the Union Address.
Obama vows “I don’t quit” in State of the Union Address. “I’ve still got three more years to screw up this country.”
Obama says that he’s not a lame duck in State of the Union Address. “There’s nothing wrong with my legs, It’s just my jokes that are lame.”
Obama vows to fight the jobless rate in State of the Union Address. Beer summits with all of the currently unemployed should take up all of his time for the next 214 years.
Obama Chastises Republicans Who Oppose Him. Hasn’t he heard of a two party system?
Obama Girls Upset With Father Over Health Care Plan. Pimple creams are apparently not covered by Universal Health Care.
White House Invites GOP Leaders For Summit To Discuss Health Care Reform. Reminder to Tea Baggers: always avoid the grape kool-aid (poisoned drink of choice for Jim Jones and other mass murderers)
Obama renews “The War on Poverty.” France surrenders.
Obama renews “War on Poverty.” Middle East seeks funds for rebuilding.
Barack Obama Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes. The Prez will give up goat, and all of his other favorite Middle Eastern delicacies.
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. “We’ll add it to the school lunch menu… I’m sure the kids will like gravy on their Peeps.”
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. A.F.D.C. moms to get gallon of milk, block of cheese, and a dozen Cadbury eggs each weeks.
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. Easter grass glued onto empty lots will help with “the greening” of inner city neighborhoods.
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. Welfare checks won’t come in envelopes any more, but colorful baskets!
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. The new PB&J (Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and jelly bean sandwiches) high in nutrition… and the new school lunch menu item.
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. Military ordered to use Easter colored M&M’s (plain and peanut) as buckshot in weapons manufacturing.
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. Halfway house residents trying to smoke Easter Grass die of toxic fumes from burning plastic.
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. Chocolate Easter Bunny stew seems to be very similar to chocolate fondue!
Obama Buys Leftover Easter Candy At Five Cents on the Dollar. Government to send gift baskets to families of victims in Polish Presidential Plane Crash.
Toyota Receives $16.4 Billion Fine. Money will be used by government to pay to have Media surgically removed from Obama’s ass.
Obama Upset About Mid Term Election Losses. “At least I could look at Pelosi’s tits when I got bored with her. This Republican Majority Leader won’t be as good, because his name is Boner!”
George W. Bush
President Bush searches for new representative to United Nations. Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and Andy Dick all turn down the position based on the company they would have to keep in the building. “We don’t feel comfortable with those kinds of people” said one.
President Bush picks Guinness record ten pound booger and flicks it at Pelosi. Ten seconds later, his head collapses. Five seconds later, she asks for a knife and fork.
President George W. Bush views tornado destruction in Enterprise, Alabama and is upset at the scene. “I couldn’t locate the bodies of Kirk or Spock anywhere and was hoping to find me one of those phaser thingies.”
President Bush sets personal record by going three days without saying something stupid. Doctors blame the problem on laryngitis.
Bush chimes in with two cents worth on Bush/Blair wedding. “You kin have anyone sing and fiddle fer us but them homo lesbian commie pinko rode hard n’ put away wet Dixie Chicks.”
President Bush upset at announcement of Oscar/Academy Award Nominees. “Didn’t they see my State of the Union Address last year? That was acting and drama and fiction, and I even wore a new suit!”
President Bush has questions for China concerning upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics. “What’s this Beijjing place I keep hearing about? I thought the Olympics were in Peking?”
President Bush responds to death, disaster, and destruction caused by Chinese earthquakes. “I hope all them star’s handprints and footprints in front of that theatre survived.”
Who says you can’t put a square peg in a round hole? A blockhead like George W. Bush managed to father children with Laura, didn’t he?
60 Minutes reporter asks John McCain how he and George Bush are different. “Well, I went to war when he skipped out on reserves duty, I flew my fighter when he doctored papers on his, and I was in the Hanoi Hilton while he was doing some relative of Paris Hilton.”
Illinois Governor guarantees Obama will win the state in November election. Chicago mayor promises that, once again, he’ll make sure that the Democrats get the cemetery votes.
New first daughters receive letter from Bush twins telling them how to deal with the pressure. They also reveal the secret exits to the White House and where the liquor is hidden.
President Bush served Spotted Dick at State Dinner at British Embassy. “They explained to me that it wasn’t really some guy’s penis, but is it Vice President Cheney? I don’t want to be cannibalizing.’
Obama removes Flying Buffalo from endangered species list. “I don’t know if Dubya was that stupid, or if he thought that buffalos really had wings when he put them on the list.”
Ted Kennedy Dies At Age 77. Kopechne family survivors not expected to attend funeral without another payout.
Ted Kennedy Corpse To Receive No Formaldehyde. Embalmers say he’s already pickled.
Ted Kennedy’s Bartender Knew Something Was Wrong. “It’s the first time since the Mary Jo incident that he ever missed last call.”
Ted Kennedy’s Death Has Adverse Effect on D.C. Businesses. Three Washington bars go out of business due to loss of best customer.
Disneyworld announces new ride in honor of Ted Kennedy’s death. “Chappaquiddick Bridge” will make September 1st debut.
Kennedy Family fortune increases with Ted’s death. They won’t have to buy another Senate election in Massachusetts.
Kennedy family makes hospital request after Ted’s death. “We don’t want the same guys who did Michael Jackson’s autopsy.”
Barack Obama saddened at Ted Kennedy’s death. “That’s one less pair of white lips on my ass.”
Doctors performing Ted Kennedy’s Autopsy Don’t Have to Wash Hands. “There’s so much alcohol in his blood that everything is already sterile.”
Ted Kennedy Cannot Be Buried in Arlington Next to JFK. Fire marshals have too many concerns about putting a man with that much alcohol in his system too close to “The Eternal Flame.”
Ted Kennedy Shows Remorse About Chappaquiddick in New Book. “I really loved that car.”
Special Election Held For Ted Kennedy Senate Seat. The winner is required to be perpetually drunk and not allowed to operate a motor vehicle near bridges.
Republican Wins Special Senate Election in Massachusetts. The surviving “Kennedy Political Machine” must not have sent their usual death threats.
Democrats Lose Special Election for Kennedy Senate Seat. The beer keg and open bar will have to be kept in someone else’ office from now on.
Republicans Win Special Senate Election For Ted Kennedy’s Seat. Illinois volunteered to bring in their cemetery vote, but election officials frowned on out of state manipulation.
Explanation Given For Democrat Loss in Mass. Special Election. ACORN workers could spell and pronounce “Brown,” but not “Coakley.”
Pelosi demands a bigger plane die to her position. Republicans offer the Spruce Goose
First Presidential hopeful withdraws from Democratic Party nomination process… leaving only 125,314 candidates remaining.
Since 1980, there has been a Bush or Clinton in the White House as President or Vice President (except during the Obama presidency). If Hillary wins the Presidency, she will double the tradition by being a Clinton with a bush.
Senator and Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Says that Paying Higher Taxes is Patriotic. “And I want to make the middle class the most patriotic people in this country!”
Democrats put lipstick on a pig at a political rally. Former President Clinton upset because “they shouldn’t be treating Monica Lewinsky like that!”
John Edward’s Wife Says Trust Is Biggest Hurdle in Relationship. Next biggest hurdles are to leap over are carseat, stroller, and piles of toys from his live child in living room.
Charges of discrimination filed in Chinese tainted milk case. Community organizers are upset that they have not been mentioned.
Caroline Kennedy drops bid for New York Senate Seat… after she learns that the Governor appointed someone else.
Hillary Clinton gives Russians giant Staples-like button with mistranslated word “Reset” on it. Hillary screwing up? That was easy!
Al Gore offers inside information on surprise performance at Britain’s Got Talent. “After I invented the Internet, I took a week off and invented Susan Boyle.”
ACORN purchases ACLU and Greenpeace. Declares Jihad against Fellowship of Christian Athletes, International Council of Christians and Jews, Y.M.C.A., Boy Scouts, and Japanese Whalers.
ACORN cancels training classes due to current controversy. “How to be a Successful Teenage Prostitute” and “How to Cheat on Your Taxes” classes postponed until further notice.
Unemployment Climbs Past 12%. Acorn workers to show jobless how to get double benefits.
Reason discovered why Chicago lost Olympics bid. The IOC threw out the 400,000 new voters illegally registered by ACORN.
Toyota Receives $16.4 Billion Fine. Obama gives half of it to ACORN to help with their economic recovery.
Pope has picture taken between Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson at Religious Summit. “I felt like the cream filling in an Oreo cookie.”
President and Mrs. Clinton announce that daughter Chelsea is engaged. There is no truth to the rumors that the fiancé is blind.
North Dakota Records -57 Degree Wind Chill. Yes, the frigid Hillary Clinton was in the state.
Senator Harry Reid Gives Backhanded Apology For Racist Remarks. “Hey, I’m sorry, but at least I didn’t call the Porch Monkey a Spear Chucker or a Jungle Bunny.”
Al Gore Stakes Claim To More Inventions Besides Internet. “I also invented the WonderBra…anything to make good titties look bigger!” (Note: Tipper needs more than a WonderBra to look better)
Al Gore Stakes Claim To More Inventions Besides Internet. “I invented the Tea Bag, and just look at what the Republicans have gone and done with it!”
Al Gore Stakes Claim To More Inventions Besides Internet. “I’m responsible for no one finding Barack Obama’s birth certificate because of my invisible paper and disappearing ink.”
Al Gore Stakes Claim To More Inventions Besides Internet. “I invented the female orgasm. It’s never worked with my ice queen wife Tipper, but the girls in college loved it!”
Al Gore Stakes Claim To More Inventions Besides Internet. “I invented Kentucky Fried Chicken and watermelon because we had to have something to feed our ex-slaves in the South.”
Al Gore Stakes Claim To More Inventions Besides Internet. “What do you think the G in G-spot stands for? It’s really named the Gore spot!”
Nancy Pelosi Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes. She could stand to lose a little of that fat between the ears.
Harry Reid Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes. Harry, however, is calling it “fasting.”
Barney Frank Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes. I give him two hours before he’s sucking down a bag of cheeseburgers… and a couple of male congressional pages.
Leading Democrats Vow To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes. Does this mean that they’ll plug up the tube sending a constant supply of scotch to Ted Kennedy’s casket?
Plane Carrying Polish President Crashes, Killing All On Board. Hoping that lightning can strike twice, Republicans urge Obama, Biden, and Pelosi to fly to Warsaw for the funeral.
Vice President Joe Biden to Appear on “The View.” He’s attempting to get in touch with his feminine side, but she’s a real bitch.
Vice President Joe Biden to Appear on “The View.” Will he apologize to all of the women on behalf of Obama, or will he treat them like crap (as one of our allies)?
Vice President Joe Biden To Appear On The View. His man boobs just might be the biggest ones on the whole set.
Vice President Joe Biden To Appear On The View. Sarah Palin demands equal time… to share her moose stew recipe.
Vice President Joe Biden To Appear On The View. He’s really just doing it for the time in the make-up chair.
Vice President Joe Biden To Appear On The View. Guess he got tired of dealing with a permanently PMS’ing Nancy Pelosi and wanted to be around calmer menopausal women.
Vice President Joe Biden To Appear On The View. Rush Limbaugh insists that he won’t watch the show that day (I guess he’s stuck with The Price is Right).
John McCain wants to use Vice Presidential Nominee Choice to Split Democratic Party. “If I name Hillary as my running mate, I’ll split the Democrats and steal half their votes, but then it’s possible that no Republicans will vote at all.”
McCain staffer claims candidate invented the Blackberry. The aging Senator McCain answered criticism by saying that “I helped God with the huckleberries and boysenberries, but he had already invented blackberries before I was born.”
Republican National Committee discovers way to deal with Troopergate problem. Vice President Dick Cheney to take all involved hunting.
Sarah Palin to publish recipe for Moose Stew in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Rocky says Bullwinkle is in hiding until after the election.
Michelle Obama reveals that her DNC dress only cost her $156. McCain’s wife, whose outfit for the Republican Convention came in at over $300,000, says” Honey, my panties ain’t even that cheap!”
Tina Fey to reprise Sarah Palin role from Saturday Night Live. Actress will be temporary Alaskan Governor until election is decided.
Geologists find rocks older than those discovered in Canada. The rocks, aged 4.98bn years, are between John McCain’s legs. “Mine are so old I haven’t gotten them off since the Mesozoic,” said the Senator.
Obama takes 7 point lead over McCain. “It’s just a touchdown,” said the Arizona Senator, “we’ll get ’em back in the second half.”
Obama and McCain agree to swap Vice Presidential Candidates for Hollywood election theme. The election will now be “Grumpy Old Men” versus “The Young and the Restless.”
Member of Bush Administration has major problem with bailout plan. Vice President Cheney upset that no money is earmarked for Halliburton.
Early exit polls reveal that Moose supported Palin in the election. Said Bullwinkle, “We thought that sending her to Washington would lengthen our lifespan and keep us out of the stew pot.”
McCain upset by Obama statement that U.S. has 57 states. “There were only 13 when I was a kid. Where did the others come from?”
Second commission finds Palin took advantage of position after first commission study found no wrongdoing. John McCain responded by saying “how about the best two out of three?”
Abraham Lincoln’s 200th Birthday Celebrated All Over the United States. John McCain upset that no one through him a 200th birthday party last year.
Abraham Lincoln’s 200th Birthday Celebrated All Over the United States. Organizers of most parties realize that having everyone hide and jump out and yell “Surprise” when he showed up was probably a mistake
Bristol Palin’s boyfriend leaves her and baby because he is “not mature enough.” “Sure, I’ll sleep with a chick, no problem, but be a father? That’s for old dudes with money who like diapers and putting up with girl’s PMS’ing and stuff.”
Racy pictures of Bristol Pallin discovered in High School Yearbook. Of course, all of the girls pictured in yearbooks in Alaska have their headlights burning; That’s what makes the annuals bestsellers!
Tina Fey to take over as Alaskan Governor and finish Sarah Palin’s term. According to the president, “it’s an easier job than being a community organizer.”
Former Alaska Governor Palin Joins Cast of Saturday Night Live. Sarah to play Tina Fey in sketches.
Bristol Palin’s Ex Boyfriend does “Full Monty” in women’s magazine. Fortunately, the centerfold staple was big enough to hide his shortcomings.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston in heated custody battle. Forget the baby, he wants to be the heir to Sarah Palin’s money.
Sarah Palin to Begin Work on Fox News. John McCain will still be scripting all of her stories and reports.
Police capture potential suicide bomber in Los Angeles. A.C.L.U. sues L.A.P.D. because the man was denied the civil right to fulfill his occupation.
Courts Throw Out Dan Rather’s Lawsuit. Upset former anchorman asks, “If I was black, would Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson come to my defense?”
Military Creates New M.O.S. For Gay Troops With End of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Air Force Fudge Packer Wings to be called Rearward Launch Receiving Specialists
Military Creates New M.O.S. For Gay Troops With End of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Navy Fudge Packing Enlisteds to be called….nothing special, the Navy has had Seaman 2nd (Cl)ASS for years!
Military Creates New M.O.S. For Gay Troops With End of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Marines Fudge Packing Corpsmen to be called… “whatever the hell we feel like calling the fairy faggots!”
Military Creates New M.O.S. For Gay Troops With End of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Army Fudge Packing Troops to be referred to as “Soldiers Denied Foxhole Entrance.”
Military Creates New M.O.S. For Gay Troops With End of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Joint Chiefs says “we’ll assign ’em all to Ice Station Zebra at the North Pole…. we know they like poles!”
Glenn Beck Turns 46 Years Old. No surprise, but no birthday card from the White House.
People Protest New Arizona Immigration Laws. Illegal immigrants believe that they are being unfairly targeted by laws against illegal immigration.
People Protest New Arizona Immigration Laws. Illegal Immigrants say that they will be victims of racial profiling.
People Protest New Arizona Immigration Laws. Birth certificate-less Obama could never be elected President in Arizona
People Protest New Arizona Immigration Laws. Funny, but no U.S. Citizen with a good job that actually pays taxes seems to be among the protestors.
People Protest New Arizona Immigration Laws. Arizona ACLU rushes to represent wetbacks in court.
BP Releases Official Report On Oil Spill. They blame the captain of the Exxon Valdez (and George Bush).
Former Chilean Dictator Pinochet dies same day season one of Saturday Night Live is released on DVD. “I just wanted to join Generalissimo Francisco Franco in his valiant battle to stay dead,” says Pinochet from the grave.
Chinese request toy making companies change name of game Chinese Checkers as it sounds racist. Officials say that “no one in our government has that many marbles anyway.”
Venezuelan Dictator Hugo Chavez says his country will develop Nuclear energy. “Yust as soon as I learns how to pronounciate de word!”
North Korea threatens to wipe out countries that threaten them with nukes. Considering that their missiles never fly more than 500 miles, only South Korea and China are in any danger.
150 Year Old President of Freedonia, Rufus T. Firefly, Passes Away. Duck Soup to be served at funeral luncheon.
Defiant Iran Accelerates Nuclear Program. Next step is learning that it is not pronounced “nuke-yule-err,” regardless of what Bush said.
Cuban Leader Fidel Castro is still breathing. Dictator vows “I’ll be alive as long as Generalissimo Francisco Franco insists on staying dead.”