Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”(Friday Edition)
by Throckmorton P. Turdblossom on 08/12/11 at 8:46 pm
" Bet that limey dude is as stupid as a country fence post!"
Would you please define the following terms for me. As I live in Lancaster, England, I am not familiar with your Southern American expressions.
What is a “redneck”?
What is a “Good Old Boy”?
What is the meaning of “ya’ll”? Is that singular or plural?
What is the meaning of the expression “about as much fun as a face full of wet squirrel”?
What is the meaning of the expression “that dog don’t hunt”?
Please define the measurement “as fine as frog hair.”
From what country do “Meskins” originate?
How good is “good enough for the girls I go with”?
How does one go about “getting hit with a face full of ugly”?
What species of ape is a “porch monkey”?
Why would anyone pour a bag of salty peanuts into a bottle of Dr. Pepper?
Thank You,
Lowell Markton Lancaster, England
Dear Lowell Old Chap,
I guess they don’t learn you folks nothin’ but tea sippin’ and panty sniffin’ over in that country of yours. Course, them panties you sniff is probably on them soccer players.
It’s like this…
A redneck is a person who works for a living. In other words… the folks what pays taxes to support the likes of you and them Occupy Wall Street type of folks.
A “good old boy” is something you ain’t now and never will be, so I wouldn’t worry none about it none. They used to say about the old Monday Night Football crew that Dandy Don was a Good Old Boy, Frank Gifford could be one, and Howard Cossell didn’t stand a chance. You fit that Cossell category.
“Ya’ll” is singular. “All ya’ll” is plural. It’s another way of saying “you,” but we say “ya’ll” since when we say “ewe,” English fellers and Moslems all want to drop your drawers and screw away at some sheep.
The wet squirrel comment just means that it’s something that doesn’t give you a lot of pleasure… like answering this letter.
“That dog don’t hunt” means that something doesn’t work… like Obama’s economic plan, welfare mothers, or your plans to make a success of yourself by not paying folks that work for you. It also includes your makin’ me define everything for your lazy ass!
As far as the rest of your list goes, how about you get off your butt and look ‘em up? I already done half your job.
While you are at it, you can also look up the meaning of “candy ass, no account, fudge packin’, freeloain’ carpetbagger dandy.” If you can’t find it in the dictionary, just look in the mirror.
We didn’t save your asses in a couple of world wars just so we could continue doing all your work for you forever.
TPT
P.S. The peanut and Dr. Pepper thing… that’s just good eatin’ and drinkin’ in one bottle!
Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom: I heard tell that it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside. Who ever got Rosie O’Donnell to let them take the temperature of her boobs?
Let’s Hear It!