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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column” (Monday Edition)

by Throckmorton P. Turdblossom on 26/12/11 at 5:25 am

" I remember when Granny Wilson told her son he had to re-use the aluminum foil from his lunch.

We unwrapped all of our Christmas presents.  When I say “unwrapped,” I mean that literally.  We had to carefully cut the tape and undo the wrapping and role the pieces of wrapping paper back onto the cardboard tubes.  We do this because my mother insists that we have to “save the pretty paper because it is so beautiful and we can use it again.”

Is there anything we can do next year to keep this from happening?  We want to rip off the paper like everyone else.  Also, underneath our tree looks like the same picture of under our tree every year for the past ten years, cuz it is all the same paper!

Jerry Jenkins  Vermont, Missouri

Dear Jerry,

I got me an idear for you.  Save all your Playboy and Penthouse magazines this year (I know that’s a dumb thing to say, cuz every teenage boy saves every skin magazine he has ever seen all his life).

Anyway, this is what you do.  Next year, carefully remove the staple in the middle of the magazine and separate the sheets.  Use the centerfold page for a larger box and the regular pages with the nude girls (don’t use the ones with the ads for Pepsi or the articles) for the smaller packages.  Wrap your packages in Playboy and put them under the tree.

However, you gotta be careful about this.  Don’t put them packages out on December 15th.  Hide them in your room and sneak them out under the tree after your Mama goes to bed.  She’ll get an eyeful of surprise when she gets up in the morning and sees the tree and the presents.

Your Mama may even faint when she sees the gift tag saying “Merry Christmas Daddy” next to a picture of a girl with some big old titties.  Use the December issues to get them girls in the Santa Hats or bows on their nasty parts.

While your Daddy, your brothers, your Grandpa, and any other men folks around all suddenly want to save the wrapping paper, your mother is going to insist on shredding this wrapping paper.  If you gotta shred this paper, you can also shred the gold foil paper and the Santa Claus paper.

This should cure her of this ferever.

It may cost you a couple of Playboys, but I promise you that it will be worth it (and your brothers may give you a couple of theirs for your birthday because you cured your mother).

TPT

Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  Lord knows I hate putting away all them bulbs and taking them off the Christmas Tree.  Some friends of mine have a great idear for this: every year, they take the Christmas tree outside (bulbs and all) and sight in their new guns by shooting off the bulbs!  It may cost a little money each year to buy new ones, but they’re cheaper than paper targets and make a satisfying explosion when hit.