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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”

by Throckmorton P. Turdblossom on 19/04/12 at 5:35 pm

Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I got this report due for school and I am supposed to write a book report on a famous book.  Well, I went and watched Hunger Games at the theatre and wrote on that instead (cuz I knowed it come from a book).  Apparently, I didn’t remember enough stuff right and the teacher gave me a “D.”

She said that:

• The main character is named “Katniss Everdeen” and not Catpiss (or Catnip) Evergreen.  I guess I used both them names.
• The main character’s sister isn’t named “Catlitter”
• Her partner isn’t named Pita after the bread.
• The author of the book wasn’t Jackie Collins, it was Suzanne Collins
• There was no soundtrack in the book
•  Catpiss wasn’t “on the rag” cuz folks was makin’ fun of her name
• My report was too short.
• It don’t say nowhere in the book that some of them girls had really nice titties.
• There ain’t ten minutes of credits at the end of a book.

So… my question is this.  The next time I gotta do a book report, is there a movie that follows the book better or is there something really rare that the teacher ain’t read before?  I tried this a couple years ago with Horton Hears A Who, but found out that there’s lots of characters and scenes in the movie what ain’t in the book.

Jack Codpiece  Flaming, Florida

PS (enclosed is a copy of my report. Think you could change the ‘D’ to a ‘B’ and send it back so my Mom won’t get all bent out of shape?)

Dear Jack,

You dummy!  You don’t do book reports from movies unless you go to IMDB and make sure you got all the character names right!!

When most folks gotta do a book report, they also generally go to the library and check out the Cliff Notes for that book.  They already got all the symbolism and such figured out for you and tell you what everything means.  Of course, you want to make sure you buy the real Cliff Notes and not the Cliff Clavin notes, cuz he was full of crap!

Another oldie but goodie is to ramble on for two or three pages about how the book made you feel inside.  No teacher can argue with that one cuz they are your feelings and not hers.  Teachers really want to hear that a book changed your life or helped you make an important decision.

Also, most folks set the line spacing on their word processors for 2.5 and not 2.  It looks like double spacing to the teacher and is really neat, but it gets you an extra page on a four page report (making it come out five).

Don’t they teach you kids nothing on report writing these days?

You gotta learn how to play your teachers right if you want to get ahead in life.  If you can’t do it with a teacher, how will you do it with your boss or your wife?

TPT

Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  It’s been a couple months since the Christmas and Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.  I guess I’m finally in the mood to eat turkey again.