Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”
by Throckmorton P. Turdblossom on 08/05/12 at 4:17 am
At a recent 'Tarzan 3-D' screening, several front row patrons had to be given medical treatment after a close-up had Tarzan swinging out toward the audience. His pendulous 'Johnson' flopped out in 3-D so realistically, several viewers ducked hitting their heads.
The latest sign of the end of human civilization on this planet:
They are making another Tarzan movie. The bad part is that Tarzan will be played by one of the “sparkly” vampires from Twilight (in other words… a pretty boy). I seriously doubt that he will have a scratch or scar on his perfectly sculpted, California beach body while wearing his loincloth, even though Tarzan grew up among animals in the jungle and has huge scars from a battle where he was almost killed by a great ape. His hair will probably also be perfectly cut and styled and he will probably be clean shaven, even though Tarzan has never seen a hairdresser or owned a Norelco razor.
It gets worse.
The movie will be filmed 100% in motion capture animation (like they used for Golumn in LOTR and for the apes in last year’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and it will be in 3D.
It gets worse.
Jane will be an environmentalist/conservationist who is trying to save Africa.
It gets worse.
Tarzan and Jane are being pursued by “Greystoke Industries,” which is responsible for the plane crash that killed his parents. (In the books, Tarzan is heir to the Title of Lord Greystoke in England. His parents were marooned in a shipwreck off the coast of Africa).
It gets worse.
They are trying to have this film, which is currently only in preproduction, ready for a release in 2012.
I don’t believe that I am planning on seeing this one.
William Allen Wichita, Kansas
Dear William,
I think you got that one right. A Disney cartoon that don’t follow the real story is one thing, but them Hollywood folks need to know that when they mess with a classic, they are messing with folks!
Watching “Mirror, Mirror” last week and their version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was pretty bad, but this sounds worse.
What else are they going to do? Have “Boy” and “Girl?” Make Cheetah into a peek-a-poo? Have Jane do the Tarzan yell? Have Tarzan wear a Designer Loincloth? Be politically correct and try to make Tarzan a black moslem? Dumbasses!
I’m already planning to pull out my old Johnny Weismuller dvds and watching some real vine swinging!
TPT
Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom: The wife brought home a taco pizza for dinner tonight. A combination of two of my favorite foods sounds great, but it don’t measure up to either of its names. Even the dog wouldn’t eat the leftovers.
Let’s Hear It!