Throckmorton P. Turdblossom: “The Country Boy Advice Column”

by on 30/06/13 at 11:55 am

Yup! A pirate's dream...A sunken chest!

Yup! Patricia sure is a pirate’s dream…Complete with a sunken chest!

Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

Me and my buddy Ralph heard that they were going to have discount boob jobs at Walmart.  We want to sign Ralphs sister up for the service because she is the carpenter’s dream (flat as a board) and a treasure hunter’s dream (a sunken chest) all rolled into one.  Patricia is a nice girl and all, but she’s so boobless that she could wear her bra backwards and no one would notice.

If we are doing this as a mercy surgery for someone else, do you think that they will give us some kind of community relations discount or something?  Can we get federal money by having Patricia’s breast declared a national disaster area?

Will and Ralph  Wartpatch, Alabama

Dear Will and Ralph,

That’s an awful nice thing to offer to do for Patricia, but don’t you think you ought to ask her about it first?

Maybe she likes it that she won’t ever get saggy boobs.

Maybe she likes it that she can still wear the same blouses that she did in junior high.

Maybe she likes it that she isn’t going to ever get back pains from having that huge weight in front of her.

Maybe she likes it that men actually look her in the eye when they talk to her instead of staring at her chest.

Maybe she likes it that she doesn’t have to wear an uncomfortable bra all the time and have rude teenage boys snap the straps.

Maybe she likes it that she doesn’t have to buy as much soap or lotion or sunscreen to cover her whole body.

What am I saying!  Every woman out there wants guys oogling and talking about their tits.  I’ll mail you ten bucks as my donation to Patricia’s boob job.  I’ll also call a friend at Walmart and seeing if I can’t get you a discount or emergency service or something.


Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  Will Rogers once said that he never met a man he didn’t like.  Well, I’ve never met a boob I didn’t like!  I’ll take ’em in any size or shape or color!  They are all exciting and fun and just about one of the most enjoyable parts of life.  The day that a boy discovers boobs, a whole new world of possibilities opens up to him.  I’ve been considering those possibilities for longer than most… and I like them!

P.S. from Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  My mailbox is just jam packed full of letters from folks wanting to know about this whole breast enhancement surgery thing available at Walmart, so I guess you are gonna be reading a lot about that for a few days.

2 Responses to “Throckmorton P. Turdblossom: “The Country Boy Advice Column””

  1. Bargis

    Sep 25th, 2018

    Throckmorton….where are you?

  2. Jalapenoman

    Sep 25th, 2018

    Throcky left his wife (he said he was tired of her old person smell) and has been shacking up with these three Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders in their Arlington condo. I’ll check with him this weekend and see if he feels like making some spending money and churning out his column again (between orgies).

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