Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy CHRISTMAS Advice Column”

by on 08/09/13 at 7:15 pm

Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I really like it when my wife gives me something special fer Christmas in a bag that comes from Sears or says Craftsman on it.  When that happens, I know it is something I’m gonna like.

I generally get scared when she gives me something special in a bag or box that comes from one of “those” stores in the mall.  It usually ends up being something I feel stupid wearing.

Do women feel the same way?  If they do, whey can’t they understand our feelings on this?

Ed Earl Bubba from Buffalo Junction, Oklahoma

Dear Ed Earl,

It is the same way with women.  We love giving them Christmas presents that come in bags from Victoria’s Secret.  When they see those bags, they often get a head ache or start PMSing.

They love to get Christmas presents that come from Zale’s or Kay’s or one of them other one named jewelry stores (though these are the ones that hit us really hard in the wallet).

My wife once got mad at me when I put a silky bit of lingerie in a bag from Zale’s; the Diamond Store.  She got even by buying me a three pack of man-thong underwear and giving them to me in a sack from Bass Pro Shops.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and generally just find a gay feller at one of the sales counters in the mall and ask him what women folk want as gifts.  It is easy to spot them queers; you just look for the ones that flounce when they walk and have on clothes that no man with self respect would ever be caught dead wearing (even on Halloween).  They are also the ones who will wear a fanny pack when they aren’t jogging or have on more of that face paint make-up than Tammy Faye Baker.  If you see some guy calling another one “girlfriend,” you are heading in the right direction.  If they are wearing soccer t-shirts, especially for Manchester United,  it is also a big clue.

Fags can always help you shop for women.  When in doubt, just go to anyone male that works at Bath and Beauty Works.

Every fancy knick knack and doo-dad and dust gatherer that I have bought for my wife in the past fifteen years got picked out by a rump ranger.

My wife still ain’t learned any kind of lesson and all her gifts are crap that she thinks I need or would look good in.  I don’t know whether or not it works if a woman picks out a Lesbo to help her shop for a man.


(P.S.  If you really want to have fun with the faggots, ask if you can buy them lunch at the mall Chick-Fil-A as a thank you after they help you shop.  They hate that place!)

Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  I watched Denver put the screws to the Baltimore Ravens last night.  For some reason, it wasn’t as satisfying seeing them lose since their murdering defensive player (even though I found him rather offensive myself) Ray Lewis retired.

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