Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”

by on 17/09/13 at 2:15 pm

This man was recently inducted intio the Gyuiness Book because he's the only person in the world with 'skid marks' in his hat.

This man was recently inducted intio the Guiness Book because he’s the only person in the world with ‘skid marks’ in his hat.

Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I ain’t very fast and I am very cautious as a driver of my truck.  As such, I ain’t run a race in many years and never race against any other cars or trucks on the highway.

How come I still get racing stripes in my underwear?

Do NASCAR drivers and Olympic track stars still get racing stripes even after they retire?  Do the best ones get longer and wider racing stripes because they are so fast?

Vern Fryerson  from  Elmont, Oklahoma

Dear Vern,

It ain’t got nothing to do with how fast your can make them crazy legs of yours run or how tuned up you’ve got your Ford F-110.  It ain’t got nothing to do with quickness of the blocks or away from the stoplight.  It’s got absolute zero to do with that stuff.

I think you need to go back to your Mama and tell her that she didn’t do so good when she gave you your “wipe yer ass” lessons when you was a young one.  The important thing to remember there is as long as you still got brown stuff on the toilet paper or the Sears Catalogue page or the leaves and grass, then you need to keep on wiping!  Bum fodder is still pretty cheap and ain’t no public restroom gonna complain because you need to do two more wipes to get it all.

Folks like Dale Earnhardt (senior and junior) and Carl Lewis probably knew how to get all the poop off their butts and never had racing stripes in their bvds, just on their tennis shoes or the sides of their cars.


Today’s Observation From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  Did you notice that John Kerry, who came home from ‘Nam and protested the war and was a big anti-fighting feller, is all over everyone so that we can bomb some ragheads in Syria?


One Response to “Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column””

  1. captain america

    Sep 18th, 2013

    ,,,to paraphrase MA AG Martha Coakely, “technically it ain’t illegal to be an A-Hole in Massachusetts”

    Currently the Mass-Holes outnumber conservatives 10-1…that’s why they’re in the tax mess they in….mention right to work and you could be
    branded a racist and child molester….

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