Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”

by on 28/09/13 at 1:22 pm

Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I have always found red headed women to be the most attractive to me.  The problem with this is I never know if a woman really has natural red hair because so many of them are always dying it and changing the color with the seasons.

Newly blonde Edna Goodrich shows how she mixed up a double batch so she can have a snatch that matches.

Newly blonde Edna Goodrich shows how she mixed up a double batch so she can have a snatch that matches.

Is there any way that I can make sure that my girlfriend really is a natural red head?  Can I also make sure that she always stays that way!

Scooter Earlson from Columbus, North Carolina

Dear Scooter,

They used to say that you could always tell if the color was real if the carpet matched the curtains (and I hope you know what I mean).  Back in the day, you knew all of the women wore a natural “shag” down there (though there were a few hirsute women that had “sculptured carpeting”).

The problem with that today is that too many women are going Brazilian and have bare flooring and no carpet (though a few might still have “area rugs”).

(Note:  I think that if a man shaves hisself down there, they are calling it “hard wood” flooring or man-scaping.)

You can’t tell a woman that you find her red hair attractive or sexy, cuz then she’ll automatically start playing games (all women do) and she’ll dye her hair brown or black or blond just to see if you still think she’s good looking. 

If you say noting, she’s gonna dye her hair anyway just cuz that’s what women do seasonally (for example: blonds get brown hair at the beginning of September since they ain’t supposed to wear white after Labor Day).

You could come up with some kind of Pavlov’s dog experiment and only give her flowers when she has red hair or only be a rug muncher when she has red hair.  This kind of conditioning has to be subtle and doesn’t always work (and it may take a while if she changes her hair seasonally).

If it was me, I’d just learn to live with it and think it was a different woman every few months!

I’d take the time to complain about them hairdo’s that women call a “permanent” that cost a ton of money and don’t last but a few months, but I want to hurry up and finish this and watch the football game (I might get into that discussion if it was something boring like basketball season, but football is king!).


Todays Observation from Throckmorton P. Turdblossom:  Apparently, they are having some kind of “Agriculture Day” at the stadium when I go see my next college football game.  I think I’ll support our farmer’s from the South by eating cotton candy and sneaking in some corn squeezings!

One Response to “Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column””

  1. captain america

    Sep 28th, 2013

    …more astute observations from Throcky, who has been known to
    ‘split a few hairs’ in his day!

    As for Scotter, saw him on Dr. Phil a week or so complaining about his latest F***buddy who was an environmentalist and used vegetable dye on her privates…boy, was Scooter left Red Faced after Dr. Phil gave him the diagnosis and told him to stick to eating beets….!

    Now, as far as Hillary Clinton who claims there’s not a C*** hairs difference between her and Bill……that’s a topic for another of Throcky’s columns…..

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