by Bargis on 26/01/11 at 3:50 am
Kentucky Presidential hopeful, Cletus Goshdarnit, has announced what his first piece of legislation will look like as President in 2013. As Cletus outlined his plan, he expressed hopes of curbing the spiraling US debt. Goshdarnit promises he will place the bill before the Senate Leader the day he takes office in January 2013.
The legislation will carry the legislation number which is also his mother’s lucky numbers SB7834, and authorizes Congress to set up a International Lottery where every US embassy and consulate will be a retail outlet to purchase the lottery tickets around the world.
Each ticket will cost $1.00 US. Any person on Earth can enter as many times as they want!
The lucky winners will receive various prizes that will be awarded immediately following the drawing on July 4th of each year thereafter. Recipients do not have to be present to be eligible, non residents will be flown in and issued a visa in order to receive the prizes.
The first prize winner will be crowned Emperor of the United States (a ceremonial position only). The term is for one year. The winner will officiate at all major sports events, NASCAR races, and at the UN as a 'special representative'. In addition he/she will receive a mansion (confiscated from a drug lord), a fleet of limosines, a yacht, a private jet airplane, guards, servants to use while serving in this position. PLUS! $100 million dollars tax free and 10 cases of his cousin Lester’s Mountain Holler Moon Shine.
The winner will be an US Navy Admiral for a week and command a United States carrier battle fleet. You may go anywhere you desire! As a special treat you'll get to launch a small nuclear tipped missle at a select group of South Pacific islands, abandoned of course! You will receive $25 million tax free dollars. According to Cletus, the winner will also get a year long pass to The Kit-Kat Strip Club’s executive room in Louisville.
Plus, we'll tell you one (1) state secret! You know, like who really killed John Kennedy and all about UFO's.
A ride on the Space Shuttle and a one week stay at the space station! A get-real-lucky date with Lindsay Lohan or Rosie O’Donnell depending on your preference. Two tickets to the 2013 Super Bowl, a Mercedes Benz S-600, and $10 million dollars. Plus, a personally guided possum hunting trip with Cletus’ nephew Billy Bob.
You get to repeal one law (Goshdarnit suggests repealing the Law of Gravity ). Star in a first-rate Hollywood movie, a pair of Homeland Security X-ray vision glasses, a full-size zepillin to ride around in, free HBO for a year, and $5 million dollars. Plus, a nice private dinner with fellow Democrat Barney Frank in his Boston apartment to talk politics.
The winner will get a 10% share in the ownership of satireworld.com, a date with Bargis Tryhol, free drugs of your choice for a year, a brand new Lexus, a total make over down at Lucinda’s High Society Spa, a new hillbilly wardrobe courtesy of Tractor Supply, and $5 million dollars cash.
Lottery tickets will go on sale January, 2013 right after the inauguration.