by captain america on 27/07/11 at 9:42 am
House Chambers – (SatireWorld.com)
The Democrats in charge of the asylum today welcomed Congressman David Wu’s resignation but said he couldn’t leave until he cast his vote on the impending debt crisis amendment.
“We’ve got to keep ‘those crazy republicans’ from killing seniors relying on social security and medicare,” said DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz (DWS) speaking from the Elbow Room on Ft. Lauderdale Beach where she was holding a fund raiser amongst recovering alcoholics drinking their breakfast.
Wu had been under intense pressure to resign after serious allegations surfaced that he had pursued “aggressive and unwanted sex” against an 18 year old teenager after enjoying a turkey dinner at a personal friend’s Thanksgiving buffet where he shocked everyone by showing up dressed as ‘Thom the Chinese Turkey.’
According to those who knew Wu best, this was nothing Nhu for the Chinese American who received a degree from Stanford, attended Harvard Medical School, and eventually graduated from Yale.
“He was always into role playing, ” said his former college girl friend who refused to give her name. She recalled how she was forced to call campus cops after an amorous Wu tried to rekindle their old relationship when he showed up at her dorm in a Bugs Bunny costume and attempted to hop in the sack with her claiming , “this won’t hurt….did it?”
Just last year, days before the 2010 election, Wu shocked his staffers by posing, and posting, pictures of himself in a tiger costume, while rubbing up against the leg of then governor candidate Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown at a fundraiser and purring the somewhat altered lyrics from a Linda Ronstadt Tune ” Different Drum:”
You and I travel to the beat of a different drum
Oh can’t you tell by the way I run
Every time you make eyes at me
it melts my heart and tingles my stones
Wu-Ah diddy, makes me want to jump your bones….
According to pending divorce disclosures, Wu and his estranged wife have been having addiction problems involving more than ‘Cat Nip’, which may explain his rather Weird behavior, so weird in fact 7 Staffers quit his campaign days before the vote after they failed in an intervention to put the sick kitty away for awhile.
Wu’s employment future is in doubt, as he served 7 terms as an Oregon congressman, where he was known to prowl the streets of Portland late at night claiming ‘I’ve just got to find those dirty rats,” leaving him with no verifiable job history or marketable skills.
The remaining staffers in Wu’s DC office are taking it in stride, saying they’re were preparing to find other jobs anyway after seeing the handwriting on the wall.
Said one disillusioned Young Democrat intern, “It’s sad, disheartening, and dismaying, but if anything good came out of it, at least we’ll finally be able to get rid of the litter box
he kept in his office!”
” And Friday afternoon Karaoke is out…him with that Bill Clinton mask, and me having to wear a blue dress and a Tam were really getting old…they don’t pay me enough for that shit. I can still hear him, “Wu, Wu,Wu, who’s that train comin’ down the track….”, it was enough to make me gag!”