Triumphant Iran Negotiator Valerie Jarrett Returns to US: “PEACE IN OUR TIME!”

by on 20/11/13 at 8:50 am

Valarie Jarrett when she used to be a negro...

Valarie Jarrett when she used to be a negro…

Chicago,IL – (

Shadow President With Portfolio Valerie Jarrett arrived at O’Hare Airport on Air Force 2 early this morning to be met as a rock star after concluding secret talks with Iran over nuclear options, new trade agreements, and several signed ‘non aggression’ pacts with Israeli neighbors.

On hand to greet her were several presidential candidates who wanted to bask in her success including VP Joe Biden who was heard to mutter, “this is a really, REALLY BFD!”

Also on hand was Harvard native American Senator Liz Warren who Jarrett thanked for being a liaison
with India and representing their rights to maintain their call centers and ObamaKare Navigator status, while green lighting ‘a few more nuclear fusion centers’ for Iran as a humanitarian gesture ‘so they could keep the lights on for the middle class.”

Said Senator Warren, ” Indians are people too! After all, how would you feel walking around all your life as a target of Wall Street and the big banks with a laser dot on your forehead?”

President Obama’s music czar Kayne West took time out from his tour to welcome Jarrett saying “and they said those Sand N****as was crazy! As-Salaam-Alaikum!”

Charles Barkley, Ritchie Incognito and ESPN’s Michael Wilbon defended Kayne’s comments by saying “it’s all part of our heritage’, backed up by AG Eric Holder who said, ” I use that word all day every day, especially when discussing voter intimidation and immigration policies with the President!”

According to a source close to the matter, but not authorized to tell the truth, the US will be providing start up costs for solar compaction toilets and several ‘fracking drills’ in order to bring fresh water to over half a billion of the country’s population that ‘smell bad’ according to Nancy Pelosi, D, CA.

Standing in for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was her Chief of Staff, Huma Weiner, who acted as the intermediary for talks with the Muslim Brotherhood, and was credited with easing the way for the nonaggression pact with the divided Egyptian constituency, while acting as interpreter presenting the full financial aid package for Egypt’s compliance for the next 3 years, or until Obama was impeached, which ever came first.

Reports from insiders who spoke off the record, the agreement provides for the release of all sanctions on Iran, which frees up billions of frozen assets in the world’s banks, a promise by the US to purchase at least 35% of the nation’s oil production at above market prices including automatic raises tied to the cost of inflation of America’s corn production due to increased ethanol mandates from the EPA, the right to practice sharia law in the US backed by the full force of the DOJ and a new Muslim Advocacy arm under Eric Holder headed by an Iranian Imam to be named later after being vetted by Home Land Security investigators who also OK’d Private Chelsea Manning and new NYC mayor Bill de Blasio who promised to turn the city into Havana once elected.

Based on leaked parts of the Trade Agreement, Iran will also get 10 Nuclear Physicists from North Korea, a battery of long range missiles from Russia as part of the deal between Putin and Obama, 10 kilos of enriched plutonium from Pakistan, and a soccer goalie, two forwards, and ‘striker’ from Nigeria to make their state sponsored soccer team more competitive.

Former Senator John Kerry, acting as Jarrett’s assistant allegedly cut a deal with Saudi Arabia for their cooperation and nonaggression , by signing a letter supporting the country’s edict forbidding women to drive, and the Bin Laden family’s construction firm to be put on the ‘approved bidder’s list’ for a host of ‘shovel ready’ Obama Stimulus infrastructure programs including several mosques and muslim ‘learning centers’ in down town NYC, Minnesota, and Lewiston, ME, home to half the population of Somalia.

Hailed as the World’s Most Powerful Woman by Vanity Fair and Mother Jones, Ms Jarrett indicated that President Obama would be holding a news conference later this morning so he could learn all about the monumental agreement from reporters traveling with her staff.

Jarrett said the President had been working 24/7 trying to unravel the Java codes imbedded in the ObamaKare website promising, “President Obama and Secretary Sebelius promised that the site would be up and running by December ‘even if they had to cancel Christmas and every nativity scene in the country!”

Attempts to reach Google Map over the question of why Israel could no longer be located
on a search were unsuccessful.

2 Responses to “Triumphant Iran Negotiator Valerie Jarrett Returns to US: “PEACE IN OUR TIME!””

  1. captain america

    Nov 20th, 2013

    …..are little ‘white lies” only racist when uttered by white politicians?

    ….is ‘Black Friday’ a free day for ‘knock out games?”

  2. O’Leg’s proctologist

    May 30th, 2018

    Piss in our time

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