by captain america on 14/06/14 at 6:43 am
New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
NBC News (sic) announced that Chelsea Clinton, the only acknowledged child of former President Bill Clinton, and ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had been hired as a special correspondent for the network.
According to a spokesperson for the network, Chelsea’s first assignment will be to create a documentary cartoon reprising Alvin and the Chipmunks, tentatively entitled “Yes we have no nuts today but there’s plenty of Arugula!” a spoof on Christmas in the Obama White House.
The 32 year old Clinton, who has spent the last 13 years of her life pursing higher education at Stanford, Oxford, Columbia, and is now pursing a Masters in Malocclusion in NYC, will now be fully in the spotlight after almost 2 decades of hiding out.
Despite her Chipmunk cheeks, and her life long battle with her front teeth continuing to grow, much like a rabbit with a bad gene problem, Chelsea did make some news last year after her expensive marriage to ‘financier’ Marc Mezvinsky, and widely noted ‘estrangement’ after Marc was caught cuddling with a more attractive ‘snow bunny’ on the slopes of a well known ski resort where he was allegedly taking a ‘sabbatical’ and line dancing to the ‘bunny hop.’
Clinton spokesman “Hummer” Weiner, close advisor to Hillary, and wife of former Congressman Anthony “Putz” Weiner, adamantly denied Chelsea was the unidentified woman who had recently bitten off her husband’s scrotum during a domestic dispute over ‘aberrant sexual behaviour involving a carrot and a zucchini.”
Husband Marc, interviewed at the Mayo Clinic where he was said to be recovering from a ‘ski related mishap on a slippery downhill slope’, and though looking ‘pinched and pained’ also denied the reports through clenched teeth.
Ms. Clinton herself is said to have endured years of ‘painful body and dental work’, just to get herself presentable enough to appear on a regular TV venue, said to be the next stepping stone to a Senatorial Anointment in New York State.
Blessed with the signature hips of her mother, Hillary, Chelsea has taken to adopting pants suits; she’s said to have two walk in closets full, and seems to have gotten away from the Debbie Wasserman Schultz pubic hair look favored by the DNC Char person.
Her dental reconstructionist, Dr. Irving Goldstein, with clinics in Hollywood, Zurich, Paris, Dubai, and Dorking, said Chelsea was a challenging patient.
“It was a decade long battle, but thanks to Chelsea’s great dental health care insurance, we’ve finally licked her masticating problem. She is finally able to chew whole foods with her molars , and we can maintain her front teeth with periodic filing…about every 4 months, unless she chews on more roughage, which will enable us to cut treatments to twice a year!”
As fall turns to winter in NYC, Chelsea was last seen foraging in Zuccotti Park looking for some nuts and declined comment with an aide saying “it’s just not polite to talk with your mouth full.”
Too bad more politicians haven’t learned that adage!