First Lady Wants to Hire Nuns to Discipline Unhealthy Shoppers

by on 19/07/14 at 6:07 am

The nuns from the Our Lady of St. Remington Convent will be carrying guns in certain areas of the city to protect themselves from irate fat people

The nuns from the Our Lady of St. Remington Convent will be carrying guns in certain areas of the city to protect themselves from irate fat people. Sister Agnes (far left) caused a stir last week at a local Krogers when she shot a banana-creme pie out of the hands of an overweight bishop from 7 aisles away.

San Francisco – (

First Lady Michelle Obama has unveiled her latest plans for getting the nation to adopt her healthy eating guidelines and this one might hurt a bit.

After tackling the country’s school lunch program and transforming it into a train wreck, Mrs. Obama now wants to shame adult customers in America’s supermarkets into choosing healthier foods when they do their grocery shopping.

Under the First Lady’s new ‘You’ll be Healthy if it Kills You’ initiative, the government will hire nuns to hang out in grocery stores around the country and walk alongside shoppers as they gather their food items.

When a shopper attempts to pick up an item deemed unhealthy by the government, the nun will slap their wrist firmly with a ruler as the shopper starts to put the item in their shopping cart.

Stage Two of the initiative will involve forcing supermarkets to purchase new, high tech shopping carts which will be programmed to recognize unhealthy foods and, if a shopper tries to but said item into the cart, the cart will announce over the stores intercom system the shopper’s name, their weight, and the name of the offending item.

The new high tech shopping carts will only cost stores $25,000 each but if the store agrees to force all their employees to enroll in Obamacare they will receive a $100 discount on each cart purchased.

Recognizing that some Americans are simply belligerent, Stage Three of the program will monitor those customers who do not succumb to the first two stages of shaming and, if they continue to try to put unhealthy items into the cart, the cart will be equipped to zap them with a built-in taser.

Some shoppers have recoiled at the news of the new program and have vowed to do their grocery shopping on the black market, but that would be racist.

The nation is lucky to have such a caring First Lady who is willing to make decisions for those of us who are too stupid to choose what’s best for us on our own.

As a reminder, choice only applies to whether or not you want to have a baby, nothing else. You’re welcome.

3 Responses to “First Lady Wants to Hire Nuns to Discipline Unhealthy Shoppers”

  1. Captain america

    Jul 20th, 2014

    …same old Obama….Nun of this Nun of that!
    worse than being snapped on the back of the head by a Virgin with a thimble on her thumb….

    Bargis related a story one time back in Jersey when a 28 year old nun came on to him in Phys Ed Class when he complained his towell was too small to dry his ‘junk’….she didn’t believe he was telling the truth
    but she soon became a true believer before becoming a body nun for the traveling Chippendales!

  2. Philbert of Macadamia

    Jul 20th, 2014

    Dependent on whether your’e a conservative Republican or a liberal Democrat, the phrase “you could grow up to be just like Obama” takes on a whole different meaning!

  3. Captain america

    Jul 20th, 2014

    ….the boy is never gonna reach puberty…man-child fits perfectly!

    Mind the childish tantrums when he doesn’t get his way!

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