by Bargis Tryhol on 20/09/14 at 6:56 am
Tikrit, Iraq – (satireworld.com)
As the leader of the world’s most feared and brutal terrorist organization ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi emerged from hiding hoping to strike fear into his western opponents by wearing all black and forcefully commanding all those devoted to Islam globally to bend to his will by acknowledging him as their supreme leader. Today, our Satire World reporter and editor Bargis Tryhol was the first western reporter to interview the elusive ISIS leader.
Tikrit 4 PM
Dressed in black robes and turban, Baghdadi’s appearance was the first since he declared himself the caliph, or leader, of the world’s 1.2 billion Muslims. We took a few moments to exhange pleasantries and had a bearded soldier hand us each a glass of tea before taking a seat. I noticed immediately the chair I was directed to had it’s legs sawn off and was missing almost 8 inches in height. The Caliph sat and sipped tea as be fingered a loop of gold colored beads.
BT: May I call you Abu?
Caliph AB: No, call me Caliph …infidel rascal.
BT: OK Mr. Caliph, so what’s with the fancy title and dressing like Zorro?
Caliph AB: “God gave my mujahedeen brothers victory after long years of jihad and patience… so they declared the caliphate and placed the caliph in charge. What Zorro? He jewish cockroach?”
BT: No, I don’t think so, anyway…So, this was all this ISIS stuff planned in advance?
Caliph AB: “This is a duty on Muslims that has been lost for centuries. We remember for very long time”
BT: Reports have claimed that you insist on talking to your deputies wearing a mask in an effort to protect your true identity, is this true? If so, what mask did you wear today.
Caliph AB: “I wear, how you say, mouse mask. Yes, a Mickety Mousey mask from your country. Mujahedeen brother he bring back from vacation at place called Dizzy World. Brothers like mousey mask, makes them giggle. Fatima like it too.
BT: “In your speech you condemmed western culture and mentioned the Caliphet will dominate all western ideals and territory, but yet in your photo you are seen wearing a expensive Swiss wrist watch. What’s up?”
Caliph AB: “What you mean whats up? Me no understand.”
BT: “OK, let’s just say that one peson commented about the Swiss watch you were wearing and said,” The funny thing about Caliph Baghdadi is that he has a very sophisticated watch and he still can’t tell which millennium it is.
Caliph AB: “Lies! Insolent bastard!”
BT: “Another one of your followers said: ‘Our caliph, bless him, was probably wearing a Rolex Swiss watch.’ “And a third tweeted:” ‘I mean the caliph looks like he’s doing alright.’ “So, are you doing alright?”
Caliph AB: “Well, things are looking up and we save a little here and there, cut some expenses, you know.”
BT: We hear rumors that you have 17 wives and 134 camels. Is that true? Where do they all sleep at night?
Caliph AB: You Westerners all concerned about shit. You know nothing people. Of course wives sleep in barn! Foolish question. Camels sleep with me in tent.