by Annoying Rash on 20/12/14 at 9:39 am
Pyongyang, North Korea – (SatireWorld.com)
North Korea vowed on Thursday to launch a pre-emptive cyber strike against the United States. An unidentified spokesman for Pyongyang’s Foreign Ministry said the North will exercise its right for “a preemptive cyber attack to destroy the strongholds of the aggressors” because the running dogs in Washington are pushing to start a nuclear war against the North.
Although North Korea boasts of nuclear bombs and pre-emptive cyber strikes, it is not thought to have mastered the ability to produce a warhead small enough to put on a missile capable of reaching the U.S. It is believed to have enough nuclear fuel, however, for several crude nuclear devices.
Feeling the international pressure mounting, the reclusive leaders of North Korea have sent the world’s newest international bad boy, Kim Jong-Un, to bed last night without his supper! The action was partially for his belligerant behaviour against the world community and mostly because there’s really no food left in the country anyway to feed the fat ass.
It seems Kim Jong-un, who in addition to heading the military, is also in charge of the country’s checkbook. Recently he has spent his country’s meager riches on very expensive things like, nuclear bomb research, ICBM rockets, fighter planes, expensive French cognac, and a really big funeral parade for his late father that lasted 14 days and had every single North Korean citizen marching for days in starched uniforms while holding a ‘We Love Dear Leader’ sign.
Last year, it was reprted that Kim Jong Un imported almost 25,000 McDonald hamburgers via jet plane from various Japanese franchise holders earning him the nickname of ‘Hamburger Boy.’
For a country who’s principal export is beach sand and 1950’s era weapons, there is little in the way of incoming monies that allow enough for international food purchases.
Crop growing harvests by North Korean farmers have been dismal since most of the crop land is poisoned with the remnants of chemical warfare factories and haphazardly discarded radioactive waste. It is well known that the late Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, refused to eat corn that glowed in the dark.
Leaders hope the latest hacker outburst of Kim Jong-un will result in the world community throwing a few thousand tons of wheat their way and perhaps a few dollars to purchase some more Iranian rockets for use during the Fourth of July.
Photos of saddened ‘Dear Leader’ Kim Jong-un sitting in a sparsley furnished room with tears running down his face, while holding an empty wooden bowl have been widely circulated throughout the world press and among rural villages in the North.
But first, and before any food is shipped in, international leaders have requested that Kim Jong-un re-paint all his rockets in a more eco-friendly paint scheme so they don’t appear so scary. Secretary-of-state John Kerry has suggested something like flowers and goats in a pastural motif, whereas President Obama hinted at using inner-city graffitti artists to give them a more hip-hop appeal.
Kim Jung-un is said to be thinking it over.