Kim Jong Un Vows to Fight Obesity in North Korea: Turns Down 240M Happy Meals from UN!

by on 20/12/14 at 9:54 am

Because of a starving populace, chubby Kim Jong Un has forbid anyone near him with knives, forks, and BBQ sauce

Because of a starving populace, chubby Kim Jong Un has forbid anyone near him with knives, forks, and BBQ sauce

Pyongyang, North Korea – (

North Korea’s new reverend leader, Kim Jong Un, appeared in Pyongyang Square in honor of Kim Il Sun’s (RIP) 100th birthday and took the opportunity to opine as he looked at things from his own perspective while reviewing all 1.2M men and women in the standing army as they goose stepped past the podium during the 72 hour non stop version of the Super Bowl half time show.

Un bragged that the recent rocket launch (it failed, BTW) was misinterpreted by the west, saying the experiment kicked off his country’s exploration of ‘rare heavy minerals buried deep inside the earth’ and the new excavation left by the resulting explosion allowed him “to keep an eye on China from my balcony”
Un went on to berate his followers saying their addiction to western culture had produced a nation of obese couch potatoes which led him to deny the promise of 240 tons of “Happy Meals” from the west and delivered through an arm of the United Nations, which only took 45% ‘off the top.”

“North Korea, praise be to Kim Il Sung, will soon be self sufficient. Shortly our scientists will prepare to launch our superior super tanker into space so that we may bring back the rice we have been cultivating in the paddies on Uranus since Exalted Leader Kim Il Sung had the foresight to begin colonization in 1965.”

Un continued, “thanks to our beloved scientists who lead the world in rocket propulsion, light weight aerodynamic PVC manufacturing, and un manned space exploration, we should expect to receive the first grain shipments in the year of the Peanut, 2071!”

A North Korean scientist who briefed the press, but was not authorized to speak on the subject, said the rocket would reach Uranus using 450,000 metric tonnes of specially formulated fuel.
With the fuel source expended to reach Uranus, docking cranes would then load up the fuel storage tanks with the rice for a return to North Korea. As the scientist explained in simple terms, “450,000 metric tonnes of rice will force the laws of gravity to take over, and our glorious ship will float gently back to earth like a fragrant flower petal in the breeze!”

The scientist said Kim Jung Un recently received a congratulatory letter from Al Gore praising him for his efforts to lower CO2 in the atmosphere and reducing the country’s carbon footprint and called the exploration and cultivation of Uranus ” a bigger F*****g deal than me discovering the Internet!”
Political observers said the reference to the year of the Peanut was Un’s way of giving a ‘shout out’ to former President Jimmy Carter who has spent his time as ambassador without portfolio meddling in nation’s affairs and seemingly supporting a myriad of despotic regimes including the mutual love affair with the 15th century regime.

The exalted leader, who doesn’t look like he’s missed a meal lately, also presided over the erection of statues of his late lamented father and his own self on Mansu Hill, site of a former recycling center for dissidents.

North Korea news outlets said the populace were ‘overjoyed at the rare erection of their former and current leaders, who then rent their clothes, wept real tears, and were later seen fighting a horde of pigeons for a showering of rice grains scattered through the crowd by their beloved leader
in his show of benevolence.

After the 3 day ceremony international ambassadors Sean Penn, Ozzie Guile, Lady Ga Ga, Kerry Kennedy and Jane Fonda were invited back to the palace for a Korean Film Festival featuring Kim Il Sung’s favorite porno flicks, green tea and Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups, Un’s favorite snack.

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