by E. Williams on 02/03/15 at 6:54 am
WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com)
Everyone knows politics in Washington these days is dirty. Now we know just HOW dirty. House Speaker John Boehner said publicly that he would give the House Minority Leader Skeletor, aka Nancy Pelosi, a ‘clean’ bill to take up for a vote. But Pelosi was reminded again that you don’t always get what you want when you’re in the minority party.
Speaker Boehner presented the bill to Mrs. Pelosi for consideration late on Friday, just hours before the Department of Homeland Security was set to be shutdown. Pelosi took one look at the bill, without reading it of course, and pulled back in disgust.
“What the hell is that?!” Pelosi asked. “This isn’t a clean DHS bill. This thing looks like it’s been run over by a truck, it’s got skid marks on it, and I believe I even see some poop on the top right corner of the front page. It also smells like it’s stuffed with rotten, decaying pork!”
Boehner leaned in toward Nancy and said, “You’re in MY house now, bitch. We play by my rules now. Vote on this one or you can kiss my tan ass.”
Pelosi said, “Well, I don’t care. I can’t ask my members to vote on this. I think I’m going to puke. What did you do, write the thing and then throw it down a DC sewer, let it float and soak in urine for five miles covered in turds and then fish it out and bring it straight here?”
“Take it or leave it, mama,” Boehner said. “Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass if DHS stays open. I mean, if the President is going to keep our borders wide open to anybody and everybody, what’s the point of even having it? I’d rather take that money and spend it somewhere else.”
Finally, a hazmat team was brought in to spray the bill with a fire hose and two cans of Fabreze. Nancy held her nose and the House voted to extend funding for the DHS for one more week. There’s no telling what the next bill will look like but sources say Pelosi is making sure her hepatitis vaccinations are up to date.