by E. Williams on 22/03/15 at 1:48 pm
WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com)
In his Saturday address to the nation, President Obama spoke angrily about how Republicans in the Senate were holding Loretta Lynch hostage. Lynch is the president’s pick to be outgoing Attorney Activist Eric Holder’s successor. Her confirmation has been delayed due to wrangling on other bills between Senate Democrats and Republicans.
Mr. Obama spoke eloquently about Ms. Lynch and her qualifications, saying, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah!” He then condemned Republicans for holding Ms. Lynch hostage. Senate Republicans quickly came out and cleared up details about the ongoing situation.
Arizona senator John McCain spoke to reporters. “I can assure you all that Ms. Lynch is very comfortable in the Capitol Dungeon. She gets bread and water every six hours and we spray her down with a fire hose every other day to keep lice and disease at bay. Let me tell you, her conditions are luxurious compared to what I endured as a captive in southeast Asia years ago.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke briefly as he exited the dungeon while leaving his 2am-8am guard duty shift. “She’s fine. The president is being too melodramatic. We played music, talked, and played gin rummy through the bars. She’s a little tired but I reminded her that if she really wants this position, she is going to have to deal with some hardships.”
Senate Minority leader Harry Reid, known as ‘Cyclops’ to the dungeon guards, was allowed to visit the hostage briefly to bring her some cigarettes and make sure she was being treated humanely. Negotiations for Ms. Lynch’s release continue but there have been few signs that a deal is close.
Senate Democrats are refusing to agree to language in a bill that would make it tougher for them to continue killing babies in exchange for Lynch’s release. In addition, Senate Republicans have offered Democrats an alternative deal in which they would release Lynch in exchange for Republicans getting to lock up Nancy Pelosi in the Capitol Dungeon for the rest of her life and throw away the key. Senate Democrats are currently mulling over the offer.