by E. Williams on 19/04/15 at 7:02 pm
NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com)
Meeting with campaign staffers in her Brooklyn headquarters following her latest disastrous trip to Iowa, Hillary Clinton called a “come to Jesus” meeting to discuss her political aspirations going forward. While the former First Lady still feels the Presidency should be bestowed upon her simply because it’s “her turn” and because she has lady bits, she isn’t very excited about the idea of playing the tedious political games necessary to win votes in a long election cycle.
“First of all,” Mrs. Clinton told members of her inner circle, “I don’t understand why I have to jump through all these hoops to get votes. Where are we in introducing that legislation about creating a monarchy based on political family dynasties? That would be so much easier than having to pretend I give a rat’s ass about those average people outside of New York City. The Clinton name is big enough now that we shouldn’t have to beg like this anymore. Plus, we need to pave the way for Chelsea’s eventual ascendency to the throne.”
Reflecting in horror with her staff about things she noticed about average Americans on her trip to Iowa, Mrs. Clinton was clearly uncomfortable discussing some of the memories she brought back with her. “Those people still eat macaroni and cheese! Can you believe that? Can their personal chefs not come up with something better than that to make them?!”
“I also noticed so many people driving their cars themselves. Did we just happen to visit during Spring Break for chauffeurs? Very strange. And where were everybody’s entourages? I saw lots of people doing things themselves, without other people doing things for them. Is there a personal assistant’s strike going on that I’ve missed in the news?”
“The worst part though,” she told her staff, “was having to touch them! Having to shake hands with the unwashed masses……I cannot BEGIN to tell you all how much that made my skin crawl. Believe me, there is not enough hand sanitizer in the world to help me deal with that!”
“I can smile, nod, and look concerned for the cameras during highly orchestrated, short bursts, but having to actually make more than eye contact is so gross. I don’t know if I can do this for 18 more months.”
The staff members then broke into groups to brainstorm different coping strategies Hillary could employ as she tries to endure the next year and a half until what she hopes will be her coronation.