by E. Williams on 18/05/15 at 6:33 pm
NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com)
Now that ABC’s George Stephanopoulos’s secret financial connections to the Clinton’s has become public news, the chief anchor for the network is trying to figure out how he can save his ass and his cushy position. Only Democrats have bought into the notion over the years that George is a journalist. Being a political operative is all he has ever been or will ever be.
So, in the midst of the media firestorm over his lying, George has decided to embrace his obvious bias. “I apologized TWICE for lying to the American people on the donations they found out about. Must I apologize for the ones they don’t yet know about too?!” George asked. “Anyway, I’ve decided to just lay it out there for everybody, even those on my side of the aisle who choose not to see me for what I am. On Monday, I’ll begin a new segment where I’ll detail the things I did for the Clinton’s and the Democratic party that week. The first week there is a heartwarming piece that shows me washing Chelsea’s new Audi A3. There’s a funny part where she bitches me out for missing a spot.”
“I’ll spotlight functions involving the Clinton’s and their Foundation, me writing out checks to the Foundation, and kissing their asses in a variety of ways. I’m supposed to make flight reservations this week for Debbie Wasserman Schultz, so we’ll send a crew over to the house to film me doing that.”
“Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still be bringing the viewers the hard news too, like the way Republican budget cuts caused that train to double its speed before flying off the tracks. Or maybe that Republicans supplied the guns used in the biker gang fight in Waco through an elaborate gun-running operation in South Texas – and how Hillary was a thousand miles away from Waco at the time of the shootings.”
“And I don’t want to alarm your readers when I say this, but when they see me wearing a cheerleader outfit with a jackass on it during debate season next year, don’t let that dissuade you from knowing that I in no way am in the tank for the Clinton’s. The fact that the uniform will have the name Hillary on the back of it will be purely coincidental, I can assure you.”
“Oh, and while I’ve got you here, do you have any idea why some of my co-workers at ABC have been calling me ‘Brian Williams’ in the hallways this week? So weird.”