by Harold Worth on 05/06/15 at 5:50 am
Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)
Bargis Tryhol, the endearing and witty writer turned political activist and now 2016 Presidential Candidate, has issued his own stimulus plan to end the Obama-nomic turn down stagnating the entire US economy. Today Tryhol released his own 'Economic Stimulus' he plans to implement immediately upon taking office in January 2017.
'It's simple really, just a tweak here and there and it will abruptly end! None of this goofy Harry Reid-Nancy Pelosi stupidity from the past.'
Tryhol's hands firmly grasped the lectern as he began his economic speech,
"First, there are over 40 million workers who are over 50 years of age. The government will pay each of them $1 million dollars to retire! That allows 40 million immediate new job openings!"
Unemployment crisis over!
"Second, as a condition of that $1 million retirement, each retiree must purchase a new, US made car or truck immediately. The auto industry will certainly rebound with sales of 40 million new autos!"
Manufacturing crisis over!
"Third, as a further condition, each retiree must purchase a new or existing home. With 40 million pieces of real estate changing hands, it will pull us out of the slow real estate market and free up affordable starter homes for young families."
Housing/real estate crisis over!
“Congressional ethics and runaway debt has been a severe drain on the economy, therefore, I propose that all members of Congress, White House staffers, and the President, get paid only by what they can trim from the national budget. They save, they get paid! No more perks, retirement funds worth millions, or ‘for life’ healthcare. They’ll live just like the rest of us.”
National Debt solved!
“Nation building? OK, I can see the freedom of millions of suffering people is a good thing, but there’s a cost of freedom and it ain’t just American men and women’s blood! From now on, if you’re too stupid, lazy, dumb, or corrupt to fight for your own freedom, you’re gonna get a bill from us for saving your raggedy asses when we’re done! Iraq, Serbia, Saudi Arabia, Libya, Ukraine, and Afghanistan better start saving some money because the invoice is in the mail.”
“Pentagon Costs Reduced!
As a further incentive to maintain good business ethics, Tryhol proposed that banking fraud, stock and commodities manipulation, corruption crimes by any politicians be classified as 'capital crimes' in which the perpetrator, upon trial and conviction, will be shot by a group of their peers within 24 hours.
“We will of course, send an invoice for the execution costs to the surviving spouse.”
“From now on we hope to reduce illiteracy in this country. As one of my first initiatives the Department of Education will allow free education grants to any blonde-headed woman who wishes to enter out university systems even if they have poor grades. Special consideration will be given to large breasted blonde women as a means to remove stereo types presently holding back some women who just happen to be blonde and have really big jugs, but have been discriminated against.”
Equal Education Opportunities available to second-class citizens
“Urban decay has cost America trillions of dollars. The underlying problem has a common thread…Liberal Democrats in powerful positions dictating economic policies that are often corrupt!
Starting in early 2017 all Hollywood liberals (black and white)will be forced to live in cities like Detroit, Camden, Cleveland, and other neglected cities. They will be forced to live there 95% of the time until the cities are turned around both economically and socially. Also, while they get a chance to view city life first hand, every Hollywood liberal will be required to serve a six-month tour as a uniformed police officer in order to see first hand how street justice is administered to those who wish to kill you because of your blue uniform.
Urban decay problem solved
Bargis Tryhol has long been an important critic of business as usual politics and promises to shake-up Washington by promoting down-to-Earth sensible programs that all citizens can benefit from.
Tryhol first became a household word back in 2006 when he successfully received an honor from the Guinness Book organization for winning the Man with The World’s Biggest Penis contest by beating out three-time winner, Russia’s Boris Charkoff.