by E. Williams on 06/06/15 at 5:52 am
ORLANDO, FL – (satireworld.com)
The Marco Rubio presidential campaign was rocked to its core today after the New York Times broke the shocking story that the Florida senator has received four traffic citations in the past eighteen years. Rubio and his inner circle are huddling tonight, in full damage control mode, to try and figure out if their presidential run should move forward in light of the tragic story.
One idea that has been floated is to have Ambassador Susan Rice go on this Sunday’s talk shows and talk down the serious ramifications of the citations, but that’s only if President Obama would allow the Rubio campaign to borrow Rice for the effort. Another idea is to blame the citations on a defensive driving video that didn’t properly instruct Rubio on the rules of the road, thus contributing to his receiving the tickets in the first place.
Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton knows what a problem traffic tickets can cause a presidential contender, which is why she herself hasn’t driven a car since 1996. No driving equals no tickets.
The most damning part of the story for Rubio is the sheer number of tickets. Four tickets over a lifetime would be devastating enough, but four infractions in just eighteen years?! Even many Republican voters are having trouble with this one. One man we talked with told us, “When it came across as breaking news, my first thought was ‘Oh, the humanity!’ Then I immediately started thinking about which of the other 45 Republican candidates I could, in good conscience, vote for next year. I was solidly in Rubio’s corner until this hit the fan. Now, I just don’t know.”
Discriminating American voters can overlook many things in a presidential candidate: sealed college transcripts, selling influence to foreign countries, sloppy management of situations that cost Americans their lives, even deleting government evidence to cover up wrongdoing. But do they really want someone answering that 3am phone call who has four traffic tickets on their record? That just may be a red line in the sand no American is willing to cross.
In a related story, Salon.com is reportedly sitting on a potential “October surprise” story they may pull out just before the election regarding an incident in which Senator Rubio once drank straight from a milk carton and put it right back in the fridge. Stay tuned.