by E. Williams on 12/07/15 at 5:16 pm
NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com)
The Donald announced today that because he was tired of listening to all the crap in the media about Hillary Clinton’s inevitability in 2016, he has called the media’s bluff and paid enough voters to back him – they’re now all under contract to do so – that his run for the presidency is a foregone conclusion. Mr. Trump has cancelled the GOP primaries and debates as they would simply be a waste of time and preempt too many good TV shows.
“I was sitting around counting my money today,” Trump said, “And I thought, ‘Why go through this whole charade? Who are we kidding anyway? Let’s just do this deal!’ So that’s what I did. I have paid an undisclosed sum to each voter, across all party lines and across all races, and they’re each under penalty of death if they renege on their promise to vote for me next year. Mrs. Clinton just called me to concede the race and Bernie Sanders is sitting somewhere, pulling his hair out.”
“I just called Barack and told him he and his wife better leave the White House just the way they found it. I’m not running a maid service here. And, as my first order of business, I will be having the White House painted with 14K gold paint. Those PC freaks think the name of the White House is racist so I’ll just take that argument away from them. Then I’ll start on the border wall to keep those bastards from getting here through Mexico. It will also be gold plated.”
Trump continued, “My action today will also allow Mrs. Clinton to head off into retirement and start enjoying being a grandmother. Besides not having a clue what she’s doing, she doesn’t need the headache of running this country anyway. Leave that job for the big boys. Give me six months and I’ll have this country running like a well-oiled casino, I mean machine.”
The Donald will take office on January 2017. And you’re all invited.