by E. Williams on 06/08/15 at 6:12 am
NEW YORK CITY – (satireworld.com)
After a crazed gunman killed two people in a Louisiana movie theater during a screening of her movie Trainwreck, comedian Amy Schumer, cousin of Democratic brainiac Senator Chuck Schumer, became the latest celebrity to make a public plea for gun control. At a press conference, she offered her advice for people who find themselves defenseless in a gun-free zone.
“Because of ‘gun-free zones’ that have been created by people like me who don’t want you to have the option to protect yourself, there are a limited number of options available to you, should you find yourself in any of these areas,” Amy said.
“I think the best advice I can offer anybody who finds themselves in a situation like the one in Chattanooga, or the Trainwreck shooting in Louisiana, is to break out in a stand-up comedy routine,” Schumer said. “You won’t save your life, but you might confuse the shooter and buy someone else time to figure out an escape. At the very least, you’ll get everybody laughing and die with a smile on your face.”
Schumer then offered up the following comedy routine ideas, but cautioned, “Always workshop your routine before trying it on a radical Islamic terrorist or mentally ill domestic shooter. You don’t want your comedic timing to be off when the time comes. Remember, the gunman may recount your routine in court someday and you don’t want to be embarrassed. Here are some suggestions.”
- Start reciting a Letterman-style Top 10 List for, like, ‘The Top 10 Things I Wished I Had Done Before Being Gunned Down By a Madman.’ See if you can get down to 1 before you die.
- A Carlinesque routine on ‘The 7 Dirty Words You Can Never Say While Being Shot to Death Because You Couldn’t Defend Yourself.’ Hint: It’s the same 7 you couldn’t say on TV years ago.
- Team up with another hapless victim and perform a ‘Who’s on First’ routine.
- Launch into some impersonations in the style of Frank Caliendo or Phil Hartman. The gunman might actually think they killed someone famous.
“I hope these ideas have helped you. And remember,” Amy continued, “These routines may not save you or a loved one’s life, but knowing you don’t have a gun sure will help me sleep better at night.”