by E. Williams on 11/09/15 at 6:14 am
IOWA – (satireworld.com)
Now that the disastrous summer of Hillary is over, her campaign is convinced that Hillary 3.0 will be the game changer everyone has been waiting for. They claim the new model of their candidate will have more humor and heart, according to the New York Times. So, for the last week, Hillary has been in the shop getting a tune-up.
Jennifer Palmieri, Clinton’s communications director, says, “This change is just temporary. We’ve installed new software with new jokes for the campaign trail, and there is a new circuit that’s been installed that will send out an electric shock to let her know when to smile, or when it would be appropriate to reach out and hug a supporter for the cameras. I want to emphasize again though, this is just for cosmetic purposes to get us through the election. After the votes are cast next November, we will uninstall the updates and she will go back to being the fake person the public has come to know over the last two decades.”
Palmieri told us the campaign believes that Trey Gowdy has just been waiting for Hillary to soften her image so he can go ahead and drop all this email nonsense. She also said, “Although when people think of Hillary they think of words like dishonest, liar, untrustworthy, snobby, bitch, power whore, backstabber, and unlikable, it’s just because they don’t know how wonderful she really is.”
Palmieri continued, “Hillary 2.0, from early in the summer, had some glitches, like the bad jokes about Snapchat and wiping the server with a cloth. The jokes you will hear over the next few months will be real knee-slappers and the public will fall in love with her. If not, we will use mass hypnosis on the country to force Americans to like her. If that fails, we will have her name legally changed to try to fool the public into thinking they are voting for someone else. That’s our last resort for this 2016 thing.”
In the last week, Palmieri confirmed that Hillary has received a heart, which she had been missing, and a personality transplant, complete with software updates and a more user-friendly interface installed that will activate when the candidate is face to face with voters. The personality donor was a very nice, soft-spoken grandmotherly type from the Midwest.
A built-in remote will also allow handlers to activate certain emotions Mrs. Clinton should show during interviews, and her jaw has been partially wired shut so it is incapable of achieving the wide open, gaping expression she exhibits when greeting crowds. Focus groups showed that her oral gestures really freak people out. Oh, and thanks to all the technological enhancements Hillary has received to make her seem more human, she’s now a walking wi-fi hotspot. That should please her crowds.