by E. Williams on 01/11/15 at 7:20 am
WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com)
Establishment Republicans have been clamoring for Rep. Paul Ryan to run for Speaker of the House to fill the position being vacated by the exit of John Boehner. Ryan has been reluctant to put his name in for consideration because he knows it’s a tough, thankless job. Yesterday, however, he decided he would entertain holding the position, but ONLY if a number of demands were met.
Originally, Ryan insisted he be left alone in his authority if he were Speaker and he would not stand for being challenged by conservatives within the Party. Then, he wanted to change the rules to make it harder for Republicans to kick him out of the position if he didn’t do a good job. He also wanted to make it a part-time gig so he could spend more time with his family.
Today, Ryan upped the ante. A House staffer found a ransom note from Ryan saying he would only consider being Speaker if these additional demands were met; he insists that he be called “Lord Ryan” once he assumes the position; and he wants some hostages, a fueled up plane waiting at the airport, and $50 million in various denominations.
If the hard cash was too difficult to obtain, he said he would accept the position once he confirmed the money had been wired to numerous accounts he has set up in Switzerland and Grand Cayman.
Finally, Ryan says he wants Vice-President Joe Biden’s prime parking space that is very close to the Capitol, season tickets to the Washington Nationals baseball games, and the Washington Redskins first round picks in the NFL draft for the next two years.
Time will tell if Republicans will cave to all of Ryan’s demands. He certainly drives a hard bargain.