by E. Williams on 13/11/15 at 7:19 am
FLORIDA – (satireworld.com)
With his campaign having as much traction as a three-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond, Jeb! Bush is seeing the writing on the wall and starting to plan for life after presidential politics. With his new slogan, #JebCanFixIt, the former Florida governor hoped to kick start his presidential aspirations, but now he has decided to use the slogan for the name of his next venture – a handyman service.
“I really just assumed that with my last name I was a shoo-in for the Republican nomination,” Jeb! said. “Even though I heard the chatter out there about the American people not wanting another Bush for president, I let my ego and yes men who I like to surround myself with override my better judgment. I may not get a chance to fix America’s problems but, if they’ll give me a chance, I know I can solve many of their ‘honey-do’ problems around the house.”
Admitting to being a “tinkerer” around the house, Jeb! says he feels confident he can take care of any small repairs that need to be done for most families, from fixing a broken gate to installing a ceiling fan. He also said his brother, Bush 43, has agreed to help with many of the outdoor jobs they may get calls for, like chopping firewood or mending barbed wire (shameless plug) fences.
Jeb! insists that, despite his name recognition and celebrity, his rates will be competitive even if his campaign wasn’t. “I installed a sink disposal for a friend last week and only charged him forty bucks. He said I was his go-to handyman from here on out. He was an elderly Hispanic man who also appreciated the fact that I was bilingual.”
For appointments starting in 2016, call 1-800-JebCnFxIt.