by E. Williams on 30/12/15 at 8:13 am
NEW YORK – (satireworld.com)
The Republican presidential field is scrambling this week to find a way forward after the shocking, recent departures of John McCain’s BFF, Lindsey Graham, and former New York governor George Pataki. The announcements also crushed the dreams of millions who were hoping to see the first male president named Lindsey.
Donald Trump called an emergency meeting with advisers on his private plane to discuss what the two departures mean for his campaign. Senators Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio also called in their top campaign staff to figure out how to get a piece of the voter pie left behind by Graham and Pataki. At stake is the support of dozens of voters who supported both candidates right until the end.
The exits of both men from the presidential race has been like a cruel sucker punch to the gut of Republican voters. Jeb! Bush placed desperate phone calls to both Graham and Pataki personally, to plead for their endorsements. “I’ll take whatever scraps I can get!” Bush said. “Please, ANYTHING!”
So far, Lindsey and George have been playing it close to the vest as to which candidate they plan to throw their massive support behind, although Graham was overheard telling a reporter, “I’ll support whoever John McCain tells me to.”
Graham, who appeared to be the Republican front-runner among his immediate family members from the day he announced his candidacy, admitted that his supermodel good looks and his deep, macho voice just never caught on with voters across America. “I’m as shocked as anybody,” Graham said. “We really broke the ice this time though, and people know who I am and what I stand for now. I’ll be back in 2020. And next time, both George and I will each crack 2% in the polls!”