Republican Presidential Hopefuls to Meet in Steel Cage Death Match

by on 16/02/16 at 6:04 am

Chris Christie took the Dunkin Donut challenge instead

Chris Christie took the Dunkin Donut challenge instead


This week, CNN is hosting a unique event in the world of politics. Because of the vitriol displayed between the Republican candidates in the last GOP debate, the network is hosting a two-night, steel cage death match to whittle down the current field of six presidential hopefuls.

Reince Priebus, head of the Republican National Committee (RNC), said, “We felt it was time to thin the herd. Many assume Donald Trump will triumph over the competition because of his nasty persona, but he could be like most bullies and be the biggest wuss in the bunch. We’ll find out this week.”

Priebus, who says he’s not a betting man, also said to keep an eye on Dr. Ben Carson. “Dr. Carson may surprise in this arena. Many times, it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Their reserved personality hides a burning rage just below the surface that is waiting for an opportunity to be unleashed. I wouldn’t want to be his opponent in this contest.”

Most voters are hoping for a Trump vs. Bush final, “mano a mano,” since the two truly hate each other, and each is said to have their strengths. Trump may threaten to sue his opponent at any time during the match if he feels he’s losing control of the contest. But Jeb! is a biter, and has been known to have his mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, lying in wait to come in as a tag team partner to fight his battle for him.

Trash talking has escalated recently between Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, and their match is being billed as the first death match between opponents of Cuban decent. Ohio Governor John Kasich is a swell guy by all accounts, but he is expected to be the first candidate dispatched in the competition. He will probably be found huddling in a corner, sucking his thumb quietly.

Still, Dr. Carson remains the dark horse in the event. With his medical background, the doctor has an advantage in knowing human anatomy better than all the others. He knows where pressure points are located that he can use to incapacitate his opponent until he towers over them and delivers the death blow, watching the light go out of their eyes as their life fades out.

Republican insiders have seen this coming for some time, and some say this was the reason Carly Fiorina and Chris Christie, obviously in no shape for a steel cage death match, dropped out of the race last week. But after last week’s GOP pissing contest, the RNC felt this kind of competition was inevitable.

Will Donald Trump ask the crowd, “Are you not entertained?!” at some point during his match? Will Ben Carson go beast mode? Will one of the other candidates shock the field by pulling off a huge upset? One thing is for sure, for those candidates who lose their matches, it will be the last thing they ever do. Stay tuned….

One Response to “Republican Presidential Hopefuls to Meet in Steel Cage Death Match”

  1. Captain america

    Feb 16th, 2016

    ….watch out for Bloommberg to jump in the ring with his crouch less panties in a wadd(sic)

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