by Oleg Penkovsky on 10/06/16 at 6:25 am
Quogue, NY – (Satireworld.com)
Nicknamed locally the Whitewater Killer after Bill ‘n’ Hill’s disastrous real estate investment punt a Great White Loan Shark was sighted this morning menacing Long Island’s balmy waters near the Vince Foster Lane private beach where the former Fist Couple is vacationing come August.
Long time Quogue resident Heine Grubbovitz videoed the 30-ft, 7,500lb monster prowling the breakers from the relative safety of his shingled teardown that nets a cool $50,000 per week high season if Long Island pool sharks are to be believed.
Footage of the killer was also posted on the Hamptons Farcebook where worried Suffolk C*unty home owners are already freaking out about ‘yet another Clinton vacation’ dragging the upmarket area into disrepute.
“Nobody is safe until this menace is dealt with,” Sagg Harbor pest control sources warned on the website, “ditto the Killer Shark.”
Long Island Coast Guard meanwhile is patroling the area reportedly armed with marine-grade teasers (Tasers? – Ed) and the latest high tech laser-guided grenade luncher. Uh, launcher.
The 200-strong task force apparently eschewed an FBI offer of half a hundredweight of rat shot, two bullets of which were found inside ex-Clinton White House legal counsel Vince Foster’s temple following his widely publicised 1993 ‘suicide’
“All Montauk National Guard leave has been cancelled,” authorities told Satireworld reporters, “until the beast is brought to book.”